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Mental health

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Original poster

I have messed everything up, I am a mess

21 replies

SparklyGothKat · 16/05/2010 12:28

Since I was a teenager I have had dark moods, very angry, and unable to control my moods. I have had sereve PND after Dd1, which made me hit my husband quite a few times (an very ashamed of that) I got help and DH stood by me.
I have told him over the years, while in a dark mood, that I don't love him and I want him to leave, he never did, he held us together, begging me to get help again, me refusing.
Until last month, when he had enough and left I am back on ADs, but he won't come home, he is really confused, he comes here everyday and we talk alot, he cuddles me, but says he doesn't know if I will flip again
in a few months.

Most of the time I am ok, I can function on a normal level, then the dark place hits and I want out, I want to die and get very down.
I need help, the ADs have helped in making my head clearer, I feel like I have been living in a fog for so long, I have forgotten what normal feels like.

I have been like this for so long, it is normal for me, but I know its not.

I am not sure why I am writing this here, I need help

OP posts:

Earlybird · 16/05/2010 12:38

Have you ever had counselling?

Are you able to identify the sort of things that trigger the moods?

Typically, what is the timespan for how long the moods last?

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 16/05/2010 12:40

Not worked out what causes the moods, I just bottle things then explosed (sp?) and get very down.
Not had councelling, thats on my to-do list this week, get referred. moods can last for a day to upto 2 weeks.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 16/05/2010 12:59

Hmmm......

OK, I think you (and your dh/family) can no longer continue to be 'held hostage' to these upsetting, damaging and unpredictable 'episodes'.

I think you have to become very methodical, focused, very determined and intentional about dealing with the moods instead of simply letting them wash over you like a giant tidal wave.

It's good you are on ADs to give yourself some mental 'breathing room' to deal with this, but ADs alone are not a long term solution. In your shoes, I'd:

Make an appointment asap for some counselling and mental health therapy that will work in conjunction with the ADs.

Get the counsellor to help you understand where these moods come from. Something triggers them - they just don't arrive out of the blue. Once you have some ideas about triggers, you can take steps to prevent/react differently/manage them more effectively.

Do not drink alcohol excessively or do recreational drugs as a way of 'self-medicating' when you are miserable.

Get your counsellor to recommend some books to read about mental health/how to be happy/dealing with depression, etc.

Go to the mental health topic here and read old threads. Find out about books people have read/found useful, and read some of them yourself. Maybe even check out the 'Stately homes' threads that run and run - you will find lots of wise advise there. There are also threads about how to support partners who have depression - that may be helpful to you, and to your dh.

You must figure out a way to help yourself, or get help (using some of what I've listed above, and things you uncover), but managing this has to become a priority for you or it will continue to haunt your life.

Finally, I'd reassure your dh that you are getting help and that things will/can gradually change. it might give him a reason to believe you have a future together, and that he can (in the long-term) feel hopeful.

Lots of not particularly well organised random thoughts, but hopefully this is useful.

But you must take action, and be very determined to get help/help yourself.

Keep posting here. There are lots of people who can offer support and good advice.

Lulumaam · 16/05/2010 13:04

i am really really sorry to hear this

i think earlybird has given excellent advice

your DH obviously loves and cares for you still, but needs for you to be well. you need for you to be well, as do your children

have you asked for a psych referral?

ADs will only get you so far, you need to get to the root of this behaviour and make changes..

you need help to control your moods, not bottle things, deal with your emotions

wishing you lots of lcuk

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 16/05/2010 13:05

I have 2 disabled kids, and I think I find it overwelming at times. I am phoning the Gps tomorrow for an emergany appointment.

I do really love DH, I just have pushed him away for so long that he is confused.

OP posts:

willsurvivethis · 16/05/2010 14:20

Oh Sparkley so sorry you are going through this! You have a lot on your plate.

Am I right to think you have a child with cp - I do too.

But I definitely think you need counselling and pronto.

I'm so glad that your dh is not giving up on you and the kids. I hope that you getting help will enable him to come back home.

Keep talking to us if you want to.

RunawayWife · 16/05/2010 14:34

I am sorry you are going through this but I can also see how your DH can not do it anymore.

I think the fact you know you have a problem and that you are seeking help says a lot.

I hope you get the help you need and that it all works out for you what ever the outcome with your DH x

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 16/05/2010 18:06

Help, he wants to make a clean break to help clear both of heads, I can't do that, it will destroy me

OP posts:

willsurvivethis · 16/05/2010 20:12

Oh Sparkly did he come out with that today?

How about his share of helping with the kids?

Clean breaks rarely lead to clearing heads but far too often to permanent breaks.

Can you phone Relate tomorrow and get talking?

Earlybird · 16/05/2010 20:24

He may simply be telling you that he cannot continue as things have been.

Suggest you get on the list for Relate asap, and also for counselling (and other things outlined in my previous post).

Let him know you are determined to take steps to change/improve the situation, and that you are doing everything in your power to affect change.

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 16/05/2010 20:29

he said its an option, I dont see it as one as I think there will be no comeback from that if we do. We are both messed up in the head, me more so, but he has selfharmed in the past and suffered depression. I need help and I need it now before I destroy my marriage

OP posts:

mehdismummy · 16/05/2010 20:47

sparkly its been so long since i ahve seen you on a thread and i am sorry you feel low, you were amazing to me and if there is anything i can do to help please ask x

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 16/05/2010 21:10

Thanks MM, I don't know which way to turn, I have fucked up everything, I cant think straight, everything is a mess.

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 17/05/2010 07:14

so it is make or break.. what help hav eyou asked for?

if not asked for a referral, se eyour GP today and ask for one to psych or counselling

also get on waiting list for relate

show him you are making the steps to change

Earlybird · 17/05/2010 23:31

Sparkly - how are things today? Any developments?

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 18/05/2010 12:50

Hi, sunday was a bad day, spent most of it crying, yesterday was a good day, today is a so-so day. I have asked DH to not make a decision yet as neither of us are in the right frame of mind to do that. We are still talking lots.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 18/05/2010 21:38

Glad things appear to have stabilised for now.

Have you made any progress toward individual counselling for yourself and Relate for you and dh?

Please take time to put this in motion, as it might take a bit of time for an appointment to be scheduled. It could prove to be immensely helpful, and you are in sore need of help.

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 18/05/2010 22:18

he is going to the doctors tomorrow, as he has completely lost his emotions, he doesn't cry, he doesn't know what to think or do.
I ask him if he wants to be with me 'I dont know' does he want to finish it? I don't know' he doesn't know anything.
I am so confused, I have had moments where I know my temper is about to flip and I have stopped myself, and carried on talking calmly.
I am trying my hardest and I don't know where I stand. I am so confused.

I know this is my fault, and I understand that he is confused and hurt, but I do really love him and it hurts me so much not being with him

OP posts:

Earlybird · 19/05/2010 12:29

I hope the doctor is able to help him.

But - I'm going to nag you. You need some help. Call and make an appointment with your GP so you can be referred for individual counselling. And call Relate so you and dh have a safe and impartial place to talk about your marital issues.

This is important for you, dh, your dc and the future.

Do it now.

Earlybird · 22/05/2010 15:52

What is the latest?

I keep checking in because you asked for help and support. It is natural to let things rock along 'as normal' when a crisis seems to be over. it is a huge relief when it looks as if the worst has somehow been avoided. But, you yourself said this is a long-term problem, and it will inevitably crop up again. So, don't simply stick your head in the sand ostrich-style and pretend that everything is OK.

You really must deal with this if you want to have a chance of resolving the problems.

Please make appointments for yourself and for your marriage as soon as possible. The problems won't simply go away.

I hope you can do this for yourself, your marriage and your family. Please do let us know how you are getting on.

Original poster

SparklyGothKat · 22/05/2010 18:56

I am good thanks, am waiting for my meds to kick in proper, but am on day 12 and feeling much better. DH is on ADs now too, and on day 3 of the meds so feeling rough. I have asked for a referral for councilling, and DH is going back to GP next week.

We can't afford Relate, but have found a free marriage advice place 10 miles from here, so as soon our heads are better we are going to phone them and get on the list.

Had a really good day, in garden with kids, SIL, BIL and nieces. I had forgotten what it feels like to laugh

OP posts:

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