Failing again

[LittleMarshmallow]

I thought I was getting better or rather stable but I feel like I am falling I am angry with myself for gaining weight so am now back to my old habits and going to the gym to punish myself even more.
Ds is away and I miss him but am struggling to believe everything that has happened in the last 6 months is real and not just a bad dream.
I don't expect any replies I know I am moaning about the same old stuff but there is no one in rl I can be honest with tbh

LittleMashmallow don't worry about 'moaning about the same old stuff' I do it here all the time. That's what we are all here for, for each other to moan at and get comfort. You always seem to get down when your DS is away. You must miss him terribly.

LM can I give you a big hug?

You have so much to contend with - try to be patient with yourself.

If you wanna chat you know where I am

Hi LM sorry you are struggling a bit. How much weight did you put on? It's normal for your weight to fluctuate a bit, you will probably lose it again easily..

I put on a bit of weight when I started my ADs and I got really upset about it, but it soon came off again a few months down the line.

Try not to "punish" yourself - you need to be kind to yourself right now.

How are things generally, have you had any more contact from SS?

Hi GetDown
I think I put on around 5 pounds and logically I know it should be ok but I am out of my comfort zone and it scares me.
I ended up going to the gym and overdoing it again but to me I need to.
This has been building for a while since I went for an eye test last week and got more bad news. I sometimes wonder when it will end?

Does it ever end? I wish for one week things would go ok not wanting much just the never ending cycle of mess to stop.

LM yes it will end and yes things will change for the better.

You are working so hard it will pay off. I'm around if you need a chat x

Yeah I suppose, I am just so worried about my eating. I was watching superskinny vs supersize and everything they said about anorexics hit home with me. I am scared but I don't want another label. I know I should be able to meal plan and focus on some exercise but I can't.

You probably have some similar patterns to anorexic ones and an enormous desire to be in control over your eating. At the moment a lot of things in your life are out of your control and it strenghtens your need to control your eating. And over exercise.

It's just a mechanism and it is very helpful if you do the best you can to eat reasonably well but there is no need to focus on it - it becomes the problem then rather than the real problem. If that makes sense (I've done that with my ed for years and years)

It was the thoughts and issues with food shopping about how long it takes to pick food and it is all about calories. That is me.

I know I have a massive problem with food and how I perceive it. I use it as a tool to hurt myself in times of stress but it is the lengths I will go to lose weight that concern me.

But you are aware of it - and most anorexics are not!

Yeah but even if I am aware of them I can't stop myself and force myself to be normal. I have so many rules and rituals around eating and constantly think people are judging me.

I managed to call cruse last night so am waiting on someone calling me back.

I have called the hv and see if off to see my gp today at some point and is going to get my ad's increased and is coming to see me Tuesday. She really does think I have an eating disorder of some sort because of my warped head.

LM I am so glad you are taking these steps. You are fighting so hard and just need some support.

And go easy on the warped head business - if an eating disorder means a warped head then I have one too (a warped head that is, well actually both, urgh can you tell I'm just back from counselling?)

Keep talking too, on here or on fb whatever suits you..

Thanks WillSurvive I am getting there as I said to my hv today I am trying, probably trying everyone's patience but hey ho.

Cruse called back so they are going to refer me for counselling in Glasgow and hopefully something for Ben