Sleep - me again!

[BeckyBendyLegs]

Hi, it's little old me again, same old story. I had a bad night last night. I was exhausted but for some reason the anxiety got the better of me (worrying about DH working too hard and also he wants to go away for the weekend soon) and I fell asleep at 1am, woke at 3am and been awake ever since Feel like total crap now and I have three children to look after.

I know I have one bad night in about 10 nights and I should consider that liveable with but for some reason I just can't. When I have a bad night I have these awful, awful thoughts about hurting myself and not wanting to live anymore and I tell poor DH that I don't want to live like this (his response is a hug and he's great at calming me down but he is also quite brisk with me). Then the next ten nights I sleep well, I'm happy, I go about life and love life. So what is wrong with me? Do I have post natal depression or am I just really, really bad at coping with sleep deprevation? At the moment I am sitting here dreading the day and thinking I can't live with the fear of these bad days anymore, it is wearing me down, I'm happy all the time except for this sleep anxiety. I don't really want to die, I just want to sleep well (or at least pretty well) all of the time like I used to.

I know there are people here with much, much worse things to worry about and I'm sorry for being a bit of a wuss and I know I've put all this up here before, time and time again. I just don't want this anymore I just want to enjoy my children. I don't really know what I am trying to say. I think I just wanted to get this off my chest again and thanks for reading. It does help me cope with the day. I feel so dizzy and sick.

Becky sorry you had such a bad night, me too. Thankfully i don't have sleep anxiety

I think sleep has just become such a Big Thing for you which is why you are reacting so strongly. Surely it will gradually get better as you keep plugging away at it.

Take care today x

im going through the exact same thing, i think if you had post natal you would feel that way 24/7, i put it down to the baby blues, i have thought of self harming or just locking myself away from my child sometimes, or there are times i just want t o die! a year ago i went through this same thing and i ended up in hospital after a severe over dose so please dont think your sounding like a wuss! the only way i got through it was the love and support of my family, i know it sounds unpromising, but i had to learn to talk to my family, or even just talk to a stranger on line about how i was feeling or what was going through my head, theres always logic and a friendly ear thats going to listen to how you feel, i had to open up and say exactly what was on my mind, i also tried using kalms, and at night nothing helped me drift off better than a relaxing bath, where i closed my eyes thought of a little box that was in my head and locked everything away in it, after that i would relax with a hot cup of horlix which helped me get a great nights sleep over and over, tell your hubby how you feel, maybe you need some more time to yourself? get out a bit more with friends, tell them how you feel, you'll probably be amazed to how many people have been through the same thing, one thing to remember is you are definatley not alone, although it may feel that way! you need to have a routine for yourself at night, i.e the bath hot drink, lock all those niggly thoughts away, spend some quality time with your other half, get a babysitter every other weekend, its things like that, that can help you. you will start to enjoy life a little more in time! god i hated it when people said that to me but its true, your going through a pahse in your life where everything seems to be getting on top of you, probably why you can sleep, those anxietys will keep your mind in overdrive, you got to find a way to switch off! it'll come to you, dont keep everything to yourself, your already doing the best thing you can do, talking about it.. hand in there chick, will get better, i tell myself that every morning! xx

Hi Becky I've had a couple of better nights and feel fine but still not exactly how I 'want' to be, but I think part of it is accepting that and accepting the fact that you can't feel great all the time, there are always ups and downs. I notice from your posts that things are either great or awful for you, but life is not great for most people every day!
I'm continuing with the CBT (second session today) but am finding that after a bad night if I can make the effort to get on with my day and not dwell on it too much I will normally have an OKish day and sleep a bit better the next night, and so on. I've also just started taking St John's Wort I'll let you know if that helps.
So the biggest help for me is realising I can manage after a bad night and that takes some of the fear out of it.
Of course if I could wave a magic wand I would not be anxious about sleep at all and sleep 8 hours a night, but that's not going to happen!
I accept that it may take up to a year for me not to be worried about sleep at all.
And remember that thoughts are just thoughts, and that you won't be harmed by what you think.
having said all this I know it's crap and you have my sympathy. Hope you're on the 'up' again soon.
x

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies. I'm in tears because everyone on mumsnet is so lovely (I always get so emotional when I'm tired!). Arcadia I have a box of St John's Wort so would be interested to hear if it helps you. I know I need to accept good days and bad days and as you said I do seem to be either really happy and sleeping brilliantly or down in the well thinking life is just awful. I can't seem to find a happy medium. I can't seem to accept this feeling crap after a bad night. I just hate the bad nights. I'm sure it is that that is holding me back and keeping that little bit of anxiety with me all the time. DH is so busy at the moment I can't talk to him much (he's working until 1am most nights and he's working this Saturday in Manchester). I feel like a single parent at the moment. I feel bad because I lost my temper with DS1 and DS2 this morning for being slow putting their shoes on for school. I hardly ever shout but I did today and they both cried. I felt terrible. They are everything to me and I'm not coping with them. I want to get completely better for their sake. Oh well. Plod on. This Too Shall Pass.

www.smart-drugs.net/ias-tryptophan-article.htm
I know I keep going on about this but it really may help Becky. Tryptophan helps sleep and reduce anxiety.
Not sleeping is torture. Tryptophan tends to be less expensive that the SJW.
Have never doe a link before, hope it works.
Hope you have a better night tonight.

Hi Topsi, I'm curious about this but really nervous about taking anything. I know you've talked about this before but can you remind me exactly what your symptoms were, what you now take, and how you feel now / how you are now. I did have proper insomnia after Christmas for about 2 months (not getting to sleep, waking frequently, waking early, wide awake) and now I feel that that is largely resolved so long as I'm not stressed or worried (when I sleep, I sleep really, really well). I take vitamin B and omega and I am sure that must have helped. I've also been using hypnotherapy and that helps too (but not when I get too anxious!). I have a genearl level of anxiety and most of the time I can control it. It is anxiety about getting enough sleep (durrr). But every now and then it gets the better of me and I don't just have a bad night's sleep I have very little sleep at all and it really kills me the next day (I've been in tears so much today, trying to hide it from the DSs is not easy). Perhaps I just have a low 'pain' threshold with sleep depreviation, I don't know. Other people seem to cope better. Or I am just a total wuss! When I am this tired I just feel so down, dark, like I am in a well. People keep saying to me 'but you'll sleep tonight' and I know that but I can't shake this feeling. So most o the time I exist with a manageable level of anxiety and sleep, but once every 10 days or so it is like being thumped really hard. It feels like part of me is saying 'ha! you thought you were better! ha ha ha fat chance!' Does that sound bonkers?

I just fell asleep on the sofa cuddling DS1. He woke me up to say 'make my tea now mummy please'. He has bumped his head at school today and has a huge bump on his face I'm so tired.

No god doesn't sound bonkers at all I can really identify with how you feel.
I have had insomnia for years, like 20 years, and I know that it can go in waves when you are better for a few days then have a really bad spell.
The way I think of it is that insomnia is a symptom of anxiety and/or depression. But also anxiety and depression generally are a symptom of low seratonin in the brain. Fix that and you will sleep better. You know that amino acids like tryptophan are what the body needs to make seratonin etc etc.
I honestly think that if you took some SJW
or tryptophan every day then the anxiety would be reduced, you would sleep better and then the sleep anxiety will be reduced.
Why don't you try it for say a month then evaluate if you want to continue?

Ok, I do have the SJW. I'll talk to DH tonight and see what he says. I have to do something. I can't carry on having days like today as I can't function like this (even though I know this is the wrong attitude to have - I should be saying 'I can function' so the fear of lack of sleep goes away). The only worry I have about SJW is that someone told me it can give you insomnia!

I have heard of that very rarely. What type of SJW is it and how old is it?? Is it a 300mg dose?? If so try one tonight, two tomorrow and three the next night. The usuall dose is 900mg each day, either in devided doses or all at once at night. I know it will say one a day on the packet but ignore that!

Oh, another tip is to eat a banana, some walnuts or chicken/turkey before bed as well. I find banana and porridge works well, it provides some tryptophan and keeps blood sugar stable during the night.
Hope it goes well.

It's Boots one a day 300mg SJW. DH bought it about two months ago. I have until Jan 2011 to take any!

Take one tonight before bed

becky sorry only just seen you post of today.

Well, what I would say is it is FAB you fell asleep on the sofa! That shows that you CAN fall asleep - there is nothing "wrong in your head" IYSWIM? I used to fear that something had "broken" in my head, because no matter how tired I was I just COULD NOT SLEEP.

In fact I think there was something wrong in my head, as I went for about 5 days and nights with no sleep whatsoever at my worst point. Not only was I depressed, but my speech became slowed, I was a mess, it felt like a siren was going off in my head all the time.

However, for you, when you DO sleep you function very well. So it has become a cognitive malfunction IYSWIM??? The sleep and fear of not sleeping, all the negative associations with your bed etc. etc. has made you very very sensitive to a bad night. Remember that PST:
"If thoughts are partly responsible for my problem, thoughts can be part of the cure"

I KNOW how hard it is to press on through the exhaustion, but telling yourself you CAN do it you CAN function you CAN get through the day, is the only way to beat the anxiety. It is so so hard. It will get easier.

Remember the elephant? You will stop thinking about the elephant eventually I promise.

That bloody elephant he keeps going away and bouncing back! I thought he'd gone away.

GetDown five days is incredible. Poor, poor you.

What would I do without your wise words on days like today?

I have got through today. I'm quite cheerful right now (probs because DH is home and he is very good at keeping me positive). I know I will sleep well tonight zzzz

Yay! Now you're talking "I will sleep well tonight" is one of the best PSTs there is!!

Don't think about it. Go and watch some TV. Have a laugh at your fave comedy DVD.

And tonight, if you do happen to be awake at 2 am (which you WON'T be incidentally) you will adopt the following strategy:

• do progressive relaxation from your feet right up to your head, concentrating on slow regular breathing
• if you are still awake after 30 mins. get up, go to another room, wrap yourself in a blanket and read a nice book for 10 minutes until you feel your heart rate settle again.
• get back into bed. Go through your story (was it the caterpillar one?)
• whatever happens DON'T PANIC. If you don't sleep, the worst that will happen is that you will feel slightly bad tomorrow, but no-one will die. You will be ok. You will sleep better another night.

The fact last night was bad means that tonight is more likely to be a good. But, of course, you know that
x

Thanks, I will

hi becky - just catching up on mumsnet, i haven't been on here for a while.

how did you sleep the next night? i hope you are feeling better..

x

I had a good night Thursday night and a bad night Friday night because DH was working Saturday and I was concious that I had to be on good form looking after DSs all day, sigh. But slept really well last night (and DH slept 12 hours!!!). The anxiety is still there, all day and as soon as I wake up (when it is at its worst it is horrible) so not sure what to do really, whether to go back to the GP or keep trying things such as Rescue Remedy and hypnosis on my ipod. Basically: do I plod on hoping it'll get better in time or get help. I don't know.

Why am I so scared of taking anti-depressants though? I think it is because I am scared of coming off them again at the other end or being dependant for ever, esp ones that might help me sleep. There's no way I could take ones like Fluoxitine / Prozac which made the sleep and anxiety worse, that was hell when I took them for just three days.

Have had a lifetime of chronic insomnia too and totally identify with what you say about feeling like you love life when you've slept but can't cope when you haven't- I'm exactly the same. Sleep deprivation is incredibly powerful. I'm not taking any medication as I'm pregnant, but before this I was on mitrazapine which did help. Not trying to tell you to take anything- it's not my place to- but I also found zopiclone a total life saver for the odd time when it just got unbearable- I would never take this regularly tho. I've decided that once the baby is born I may well go back on meds if I need to. It's not what I want, but neither is living with constant sleep deprivation.

Anyway, you're not alone and it sounds like you cope the very best you can x