Living with my mother

[daughter]

I wasn't sure where to put this really, I suppose it should be in relationships but I sometimes feel it affects my mental health so, here goes.

I don't know why I'm posting this really as there is NO solution to it apart from me to get a grip on myself and be thankful for all the good things in my life.

I live abroad in a non English speaking country. I came here many years ago and met DH (he's from here). My mum has been alone for many years and we've always been exceptionally close. She decided to move her on retiring and at first talked about pooling money (I was renting at the time) and buying a place for us all. I wasn't keen, wanted my own place and she agreed to buy her own house. Fast forward a bit..she helps me (financially) buy a house, sells up hers in the UK and moves nearby. All fine. We see each other a lot, all goes well. DH and I get married and have a DC.

After the initial excitement she discovers things are veeery different here, she never gets past intermediate with the language and generally gets miserable, misses home feels she's made a mistake, burnt her bridges etc. All this is of course very difficult for me and I feel enormous guilt for "bringing her here" (which of course I didn't..I know that)

Fast forward a bit more and the (large) house she's bought is getting a bit much and then she develops a health problem, which although not completely incapacitating means she really can't live alone. So, we end up that she can't manage, her house is the bigger one so we feel the only solution is to sell mine and move into hers.

So, here we are, living in my mother's house and I feel this sadness, like a bereavement that I have given up my house and independence and I resent her for it. She's says it my house, to feel I can do what I like, that she'll ultimately leave it to me in her will and I am very grateful for that and appreciate it's not easy for her either but I feel so jealous of other people who don't "have to" live with their mothers. I'm in my 30s and I feel like a teenager. I want to be able to paint the whole place purple if I want and not have to consider anyone's feelings. I want to walk in sometimes and there be nobody else here, instead my mum's sitting in the front room. For God's sake it'd be nice to be able to have a quick shag somewhere other than the bedroom if we felt so inclined!

I feel tremendous guilt for my DH that I've "made" him live with his MIL. I'm jealous of my brother living it up as a single bloke, while I look after my mum.

God, I am such a cow. We actually get on fine and it works out fine day to day, I just seem to have this grief over it. I HATE telling other people, I feel they must think I'm a weirdo or pity me....she moved in with her mum. I usually lie and say my mum had to move in with us. I just feel, however lovely the house is and however accomodating she is, it remains HER house and I'M the one who has given up my house, my independence, the best years of MY life, MY life as part of a young married couple starting out in their own place.

And then there are people in such dire straits I'm sure they'd be thrilled to live somewhere nice and I feel so guilty about my feelings.
So, please..slap me. Tell me I'm an ungrateful cow and to be thankful.

God, that was long...

I can so imagine how you feel - all very understandable and healthy and it says nothing at all about the love you feel for your mother.

Could you all move out to smaller houses near each other (your family in one, mum in the other)? It doesn;t mean you love your mum any less, just that you need your independence.

Thanks for understanding. It goes in phases..sometimes I'm fine and then other times I feel so down and trapped (usually just before my period) that I start snapping at her and feel bad and it makes it all worse.
Plumm no, unfortunately as I said there is no solution bar my mum passing away, which obviously isn't something I want either. It would mean financial ruin to sell and buy smaller places (buying / selling v complex and expensive here with regards to sales taxes) and it would mean telling her I can't bear living together...I think she'd top herself out of misery and guilt. No, I just have to suck it up.

On good days I remember what a great house it is in a nice area and just think of it as MY house, but like I said, there's this underlying "grief" is the only way I can put it, about what I've "lost".

Thanks for listening...helps to talk about it.

hi daughter I really feel for you, as that's just how I feel about my own mother.

We don't live together permanently, but for 3 days per week she lives with us because she looks after DD whilst I work (for which I am very grateful) and she lives too far away to do the journey every day.

Even though my situation is not anywhere near as extreme as yours, in that she's not here the whole time, and this is our house, it still grates terribly when she's here. Feeling that I have no privacy, that I am a child again, that I am a guest in my own home as she fusses about the place, rearranging my cupboards, making everyone cups of tea, and cleaning everything with her flowery apron on. I know, I know I sound like a cow, but I've gone over and over it in my mind and bitten my tongue so many times, cried in private and still, I can't help feeling like this.

I used to be very close to my mum too, but now I just want to distance myself from her almost, show her that I am my own person, not under her influence anymore. I don't really confide in her anymore, when I used to tell her everything.

I think the problem is, that you have grown up and are used to your own independence. I think even the strongest mother-daughter relationship would be put under great strain when they try to live together after the daughter has grown up. For me, it was exacerbated, not relieved, by the birth of DD. I want to do things MY way, not her way. I what to experience what it feels like to be a mummy, without feeling cramped by my own mum constantly looking over my shoulder.

Sorry I didn't mean this to turn out to be about me! Just wanted to say that I really sympathise. And I can imagine your feelings must be more intense than mine because you are living together all the time, not just part of the week. Yes, you are a grown up - you should be able to paint your house purple and have sex whereever you want.

I don't really know what the solution is, other than having to set some "ground rules" with her. Having tried to do this with my own mum, I know it won't be easy and you risk feelings getting hurt. However, this is doing you no good and to bottle it all up will erode at your once lovely relationship with your mum, which would be a real shame.

ground rule, separate spaces - or maybe selling that house and choosing one you like?to share, maybe with granny type flat so some separation?

Doesn't mean you don't love her, but have your life too

Hey getdownyouwillfall I love your name It's nice to hear from someone who has the same contradictory feelings. I know what you mean about distancing yourself. I feel like I need to have something private to me, before I'd have told her anything.

She's very good and generally doesn't interefere at all and is very sensitive to being a burden, worries that she's landed herself on me. We (DH and I) do all the cooking, shopping and most of the cleaning and I prefer that as it makes me feel less teenager-like.

What I find really really hard is the kind of situation, that to be fair almost never arises cos we're aborad, where friends want to come and stay and I feel like I have to ask, as obviously it is actually her house and she lives here. That really upsets me as it brings home to me what I've "lost". We have friends coming in a couple of weeks (just for a night) and I think they must think the whole thing is WEIRD. Especially as they've stayed before when we lived in our own house. They'll ask me how it's all going and I'll have to be all bright and breezy about it cos the answer is too complex and long winded for anything else.

And like I say, most of the time it's all fine and we get on like a house on fire, but sometimes I just want to cry or I start day dreaming about DH, DS and me moving out..which of course can never happen.

Find the whole jealousy/rage towards my brother (totally unfairly) hard to cope with too. Do you have siblings getdownyouwillfall?

Selling up is not an option. Only possibility of selling would be if DH's elderly parents or one of them also had to live with us, in which case this house is too small and we'd have to use their savings to move to something large enough for all of us.
We already have separate living areas, just share kitchen and outside space but all have bedrooms on upper floor for instance so it's not a granny flat type arrangement either.

ahh - glad you you have those separate living areas at least.