been trying to deny it to myself and others, but sinking fast and no way out.

[TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle]

ok, for a couple of months Ive been struggling. Ive had severe depression on and off (mainly on) since ds was born 3y ago. a year ago i came off my AD's in december I was discharged by my EDT (anorexia). but im really, really struggling. my last mc hasnt helped but i cant stop crying and i feel like everyone around me is moving too quickly and speaking too loud, while im stuck in treacle. everything is grey, food tastes like cardboard. i fantasise about buses hitting me as i walk down the street. i cant cope and i feel like such a failure for it.

deal

back from gp. i am officially once again "severely depressed" citralopram 20mg with option to rise/change in 3w. cried in surgery. proper heaving sobs. cant move now, am so exhausted.

Well done lady - only way is up. Of course you are exhausted.

Go lie down - even if you don't sleep you will rest. x

can you plan something nice to do for yourself next week? Did you say you had a week off work?
x

thanks, i cant have a lie down. too much to do. feel like ive done nothing all day, dont even have energy to make a cuppa. ive planned to go with mil to shrewsbury next weds, tbh just looking forward to not being at work.

feel terrible, just shouted at dh, called him a selfish prick, burst into tears and am now seething. the reason? he plays football on a thursday - 5 a side - and he asked me to sort out his socks. he is also going straight from work because its an early kick off. which means he will get in at 8.30. i dont know how i will cope getting ds fed and into bed by myself.

been to work today and feel ok. it helped that i was working with my friend although it seemed to take me ages to get stuff done. ds has a birthday party tomorrow and dh has offered to take him so i can rest but i would feel guilty. im his mum, thats my job. not eaten today. not hungry. couldnt eat lasagne last night either. didnt taste like lasagne. texture made me retch.

Hey lady.

Can I be bossy please, it's what I do well, ask some others on here, my dh and my friends

Eat something. An apple and a banana, 3 cream crackers, a slice of bread, salad with cucumber, chocolate, banana and custard, yogurt, soup. Anything, doesn't matter what. Don't give in to this urge not to eat at all. It makes you worse. Are you sick from the new meds? Try to find something that does go in.

Why is it any more your job to take ds to a party than your dh? You made ds together you know. Say thank you for the offer, let him do it and have that rest. he's trying to support you and you push him away. Common problem, understandable but unhelpful.

i know i should eat something but i cant. i havent the energy to chew and it doesnt taste like food anyway. god, im a wreck. i cant believe how quickly ive got to this point again!

Let P take DS to the party - it's his job too! As for food - if you can't face it do yourself a mug of soup.

xx

red, think i will. its so bizarre. am drinking a cup of tea at the mo and it doesnt taste like tea IYKWIM. am making fajita's for dinner tonight, seemed like a good idea this a.m but now am not too sure.

time to take ds to karate.

mil has noticed that im not right apparently my behaviour is erratic. dh lost his job yesterday which is a nightmare and im still not sleeping. i cant eat anything my throat closes up. how long before the ads work?!

Hi lady sorry to hear things are so bad for you - your DP losing his job is not helping.

The modern ads will work quite quickly for anxiety but take several weeks for depression.

Please do your best to keep eating something. If you can't eat at all still maybe you need ot go to your doctor and get a week worth of diazepam or whatever to calm you down a bit (the stuff is very addictive)

thanks. mil is v worried about me. she said im veering between being hyperactive, v snappy and sobby. i think i will call my EDT to see if he will see me, i think its the citralopram tbh. at least i hope it is.

really sorry you are having such a hard time.. you don't need to pretend or deny it

yo've been through so much in the last few years. it would have taken a toll on anyone

please be kind to yourself

so sorry about Dhs job.

Lady yes please call your EDT good idea - this is no time to struggle alone.

i just feel so crap about it. ive let everyone down, i feel so weak for losing the plot again. go back to see gp next week for an update.

who are you meant to have let down? you're poorly, you haven't let anyone down

its just i put everyone through so much before when i was ill, i feel so guilty about doing it again!

well the best thing to make sure that doesn't happen is to accept all the help you can get now so you can keep your head above the water!

had a few really good days but spiralling again today. everything is going wrong. my plumbing is leaking, dh isnt working, we are skint, i feel so stressed out and pissed off. im so... ANGRY

Sounds like you have reason to be angry Lady, things are going wrong.

Are you feeling any effect of the ADs?

Are you managing to eat?

im actually feeling much better today, had a lovely lie in and feel much more able to cope. im not eating huge amounts but am eating small amounts.