Really struggling today

[xstitch]

I thought I was bad yesterday but today I am even worse. Yesterday I was so jumping that the slightest thing set me off crying, or worse. I was stuck in traffic at roadworks and the guy in the van behind started shouting when are you going to move. I am so ashamed because I opened the window and screamed at him: when the bloody traffic light turns to green you stupid, f'ing w'ing bastard when I got through the road works I had to pull in and then wept for 15min. I actually felt guilty for holding up the traffic even though I was stopped at a red light. what is wrong with me?

Today I have burst into tears 3 times and nothing has even happened to set me off. I have this strong urge to hurt myself to punish myself for existing.

Oh dear, you sound very depressed. Has this being going on for a long time? Are you pg or post-natal, or do you have any idea why you feel so extreme?

oh xstitch I have been there (not in a car as I can't drive but ....)

Sympathies (big time)..... its so hard being a mum and depressed (I have serious depression issues and am on shedloads of medication!)

Hope today is better for you!

I think it is the pressure I have been under for the last few months. My xh has been threatening me with the ss and is taking me to court for full custody of dd (he started this before I felt this bad). He says he gets reports on what I am or am not doing and any sign of anything not being perfect will be used against me. Trying to achieve this and constantly failing miserably is getting too much. ie he expects the house to be of show home standard without a speck of dust or slight smear. washing must be done, dried and ironed without anyone seeing clothes hanging inside or the ironing board up (I now have to keep blinds closed to do this and panic if someone comes to the door). There must be not one iota of imperfect behaviour from dd or that is proof that I am an unfit mother.If she is ill he expects me to give her the treatment he feels is right even though he is frequently wrong about this.

I work part time and its been difficult there too. They keep upping the targets I am supposed to meet and the first I know the targets have been changed is when I am pulled up for not meeting them.

I feel guilty for finding this all too much as I proving xh right.

x-stich remember what we have talked about before - ex-h has not half or 10% the power he's persuading you to believe he has!!

His ideas about the standards in your home are irrelevant. Let him do his worst - he will be left looking the idiot in Court. Is he represented? I would dread to be his lawyer - clients like him think they know more than their lawyers, don't listen and make you look an idiot.

And he doesn't get any reports. F\rom anyone meaningful. Full stop.

Sorry you feel so rubbish. Keep going to counselling and keep talking on here if it helps.

oh you poor thing.

Having washing out or dust is of no relevance to whether your DD is best off with you. TBH I would worry more about a "show home" mother - that does not indicate normality with small children to me.

The fact is, you may have weaknesses but so do we all. Your DD loves her mum and you love her. End of. There is no way he will win full custody unless they can show she is being actually harmed by being with you.

He is trying to terrify you and succeeding by the looks of things. How awful.

Is there a supportive friend or your mum around?

In fortunately I have no friends, he saw to that. There is my mum and she has been a great help, even staying over sometimes. Unfortunately that usually triggers another wave of complaints and insults from my ex as he does not like this happening. I started going out to an evening class once a week but with work and him putting his spin on it when telling my dd about what mummy was doing I gave it up.

Your ex DH sounds like a total idiot and is being so cruel playing on your insecurities like this.

I am going through a very difficult depression/anxiety episode at the moment and I would find it incredibly difficult to have to face that on top of everything else.

Please listen to 'willsurvivethis' - dont listen to his threats. If it helps you to have your mum round then go ahead.

Have you spoken to your GP?

x stitch that is abuse/domestic violence - so glad you're out but so that he is still extending influence.

xstitch - what a nasty man your ex is. Aren't you glad he doesn't live with you any more? Don't let him exert this influence over you. Laugh in his face next time he threatens you. Tell him you had people watching him but they gave up because he was so boring. Do not take him seriously unless you get a solicitor's letter.

Next time he says anything threatening or unpleasant, smile and say "I'm so glad I don't have to live with such a bullying control freak any more!" and mean it.

In the meantime, get out into the fresh air for a brisk walk or run or game of tennis or something. The exercise will make you feel much better.

elasticwoman; Thank you I think the fresh air may be a really good idea. feeling tired and achey so I think the exercise would help my muscles and help me get a good sleep. I find it harder to cope when I am tired.

I have made an appointment at docs tomorrow to review my medication.

How are you this evening xstitch and how did you get on at the doc's?

Slightly better thanks elasticwoman. Only cried once today. Feeling a bit fed up and lonely but that can't be helped.

Got a new prescription at the drs, hope that will help.

Dear lord, I really feel for you! Your H is being an utter plonker - he's bullying you and you should just tell him to get stuffed. You can hang the washing out on your hedge, if you like - it has no bearing on your parenting abilities, and is NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM!

You're being bullied at work, too. The moving-targets thing is a total classic and is unacceptable. Is it all emanating from one paerson? Depending on the type of company you work for, you might be able to get a complaint to HR taken seriously, and/or get support from a union. Having said that, it could be worth quitting for the sake of your health. When I was being bullied, my GP signed me off work for six months on "work-related stress". You doc may well help you gain enough space, to review your options and look for a better job.

Gather all your support around you, don't be afraid to ask professionals and friends for help. Make sure you love yourself - even taking a long bath every day can help. Eat properly. You need to get some of your fight back!

Take a look around BullyOnLine.org, it's full of useful information.

Wishing you well

xstitch, have you had a chance to get some fresh air and stretch your legs?

Had to go to work on Saturday unfortunately. At least I didn't manage to get into trouble at work this week though.