how do I cope with this? suggestions welcomed

[bigbrothermademechangemytights]

This is about my zillionth namechange of the day, for which I apologise. But I'm currently feeling so paranoid that I "know" that if I blow my nose too loudly the health visitor will hear and call the police. Can people work out from my writing style who I am?

I'm not really coping. DD is 6mo and as well as the normal sleep deprivation type exhaustion I have physical/medical problems that make me additionally tired and which makes it hard for me to leave the house. Intellectually I know that babies need bonding and affection and attention far more than baby swimming and baby music classes, but I feel so isolated and feel so much as though I'm letting DD down. I was housebound all pregnancy and was told that as a result I was high-risk for PND, and yet I tell the HV that I feel fine (and she believes me, and keeps telling me what a brilliant mum I am) because I'm frightened of Social Services and the CMHT getting involved again (they have been in the past and it was stressful without being beneficial).

I just don't know how to be a mum when I feel so ill and I don't know where to go for help when I'm both physically limited in the extent to which I can leave the house and too paranoid to admit to how much it's getting me down.

I've got very good medical support, though there's not much they can do to help. I don't need any practical help as DH is a whizz at all forms of housework and no matter how ill I feel I can always ensure that DD is clean and well cared for. So really it's just the social, emotional stuff.

Does anyone have any ideas of what might help? Or AIBU not to appreciate how lucky I am mostly to be OK?

when you say you have v good medical support do you mean that you have already told your gp all of this? Because if not, I would, and ask if they can refer you to a therapist. Sounds like you could benefit from talking this through in more detail on a professional level.

It does sound as though you might be depressed. Having insight and asking for help is a positive thing.

On the one hand you seem concerned that you are not bonding with your DD, but that fact that you are so concerned and even that you feel guilty about it shows this is probably not true. I suspect it is just your perception at the moment, which is distorted by feeling low.

How does DH feel? Have you had a conversation with him about a) how you are feeling; and b) the implications of asking for help. I would talk to him.

Secondly, what would help?

You may not be able to get out of the house much, but perhaps other mums can come to you. Do you have friends from antenatal classes? If not, can your HV, GP, Mumsnet or local mother and babies group put you in touch with a couple of mums whom you could invite for coffee with their babes? It is just much more fun to look after your child with other mothers, much harder to lose your temper in front of them and you get a more realistic view about mothering skills.

Don't let this drift on whilst you suffer.

OK. I have invited the antenatal class people over for lunch. I feel as though they all ridicule and deride me as a lazy, needy, antisocial whatever asn they keep meeting up and I keep not being able to cope with getting there. Nevertheless, they have been appreciative of my cooking in the past. I will reserve judgment until they refuse to come. The frustration is that whenever I do get out it's so helpful, but that I cannot access what I most need.

I was offered a support worker through Sure Start. I declined because I don't need help with housework or literacy or budgeting nor someone to pick me up and hold me hand to go to a baby group.

I think I'm just lonely. And honestly, with a roof over my head and food to eat and a husband who loves me, I should just be grateful for what I have.

Both the GP and DH do know how I feel.

take the support worker....might just be someone you really relate to and can chat with once a week.

I hope the lunch goes well.

It is horrible to feel unable to go out, so I can understand why it gets you down and very hard to admit to feeling lonely.

It might be worth trying the support worker; if it does not help you can always stop.

They're not coming for lunch

To be fair, one of the babies is sick, but
they've said they'd rather go to the park.

I'll talk to Sure Start again about the possibility of a support worker, and try to clarify what his/her role might be and whether it might help. If it's just a coffee and a chat, it'd help. If they want to address practicalities, it wouldn't. I'm also scared that it'll get into the territory of risk assessments and care plans and that all terrifes me.

don't worry about the lunch - these things happen.

Speak to the Surestart worker. I used to have a girl helping me sometimes (not surestart, just someone I paid) and if I'm honest with myself, she wasn't much help with the dcs, but the chatting with me was really good for me at that time.. sometimes just someone to talk to just lifts the day.

I spoke to the Sure Start worker. Been referred to family support worker.

I'm terrified that she'll tell me I need too much and refer me to Social Services.
I'm terrified that she'll tell me I'm making a fuss about nothing and tell me off as a spoilt whiny PFB mum.
I'm terrified that I'll break down and tell her everything of how bad I feel.
I'm terrified that I'll clam up and tell her nothing and she'll assume problems that aren't there.

And I've been ordered to attend the baby clinic today and I'm terrified that she'll hurt DD. Irrational I know.

Breathe. Breathe.

Don't be terrified of any of the above easy for me to say i know i am not in your shoes. I have a support worker from Home-Start and she is very good. She is just an extra person i can rely on she visits once a week and we just chat, it helps me to take my mind off things. I know you use the word paranoid but I think what you are thinking is normal and some of this is settling into motherhood. I have become a bit 'paranoid' about certain people/things and i never used to feel like that. I am sure you are doing a fine job as a mother, nobody tells you what to do and there are no rulebooks, pat yourself on the back that you have made it this far OK?!!!! don't be too hard on yourself and try not to overanalyse things too much....

Thanks. Sure Start just rang and the worker is coming on tuesday. Again, I'm trying to reserve judgment until I've met her.

The antenatal class have decide they want to go out for the evening rather than come here for lunch. I've suggested an evening takeaway here instead .

Just want to curl up and sleep until Tuesday

Just wanted to say that I think you have done BRILLIANTLY to call Sure Start - it would have been so easy not to but you did. Hope all goes well on Tues. If Sure Start is similar to Home Start (sorry we only have Home Start over here), I think you can have someone just to chat to and a bit of company for a few hrs a week. Might help, and they MAY be able to think of other things in your area that might help you or that you could access?

Can you do something nice just for you over the weekend - even if it is just sitting down with a book for a bit or something?

I just can't see what they could do to help.

At the moment, the only things which would make me feel better are

1. Feeling physically less ill, which would make me able to get out more. I'm doing everything possible to find ways of that happening.

2. Having people come to visit me.

The antenatal class aren't coming over.

Heading over to AIBU before I scream.

The AIBU have made some lovely suggestions.

But I just feel as though I can't go on.

DH has taken DD into work with him.

Hello bigbrother,

I read and posted on your AIBU last night and came back this morning to read this thread, having thought about you a bit more.

Tbh, I'm not sure that the antenatal group (which your AIBU was about) is really the problem or the solution.

To me, based on having read your posts, the theme which does seem to link the different points you make, is that you are not feeling happy and not feeling like you are coping. I'm no expert, but having been diagnosed with antenatal depression myself, I recognise some of the signs of depression in you.

For example, I, like you, started to worry alot about how others perceived me... e.g. you say 'I feel as though they all ridicule and deride me as a lazy, needy, antisocial whatever'. That kind of social fear is horrible to live with and it drags your self esteem even lower. It seems you're almost looking for rejection from your antenatal group because it will prove you right.

I, like you, have also been feeling very lonely (often more lonely when I am with others and feel left out than when I am actually alone).

I really think that you should ask for help - as loudly and persistently as you need to in order to ensure you get it. I realise that this is a hard thing to do when you're feeling low, BUT, having been low myself, found the courage to ask for help and been referred to a clinical psycologist, my experience is that this is a very positive step forward. The psycologist helped me a great deal to understand WHY I feel the way I do. Sometimes that reassurance that you needn't feel guilty or suffer is a huge help on its own.

So, in summary, I think you should start by going back to your GP (with your DH to stick up for you if needed - sounds like he is a star), and pushing to get some counselling or appropriate treatment for your low feelings (I hesitate to say depression because I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis!).

I am lucky that I don't have your health problems, so I don't know much about Sure Start / Home Start, but it sounds from other posters like they are really there to help with your more practical needs. Maybe you should ask for / accept their help too, when you need it, with getting out and about.

MN often looks down on giving 'hugs', but I am sending you one anyway, because it sounds like you really need one.

Stay on here and I'll look out for your posts.

Thanks for being so thoughtful, and for taking time to think about this.

I feel as though I can't be open about how much I'm struggling because I'm terrified that Social Services will come and take DD away. I know I'm maybe being irrational but, as I've read on MN, it does happen to some people.

But I will try and be honest with the Sure Start people, and take it from there.

Hmm, well honestly I doubt they would even consider taking your daughter away. You sound like a great mum who is looking after her daughter wonderfully - it is you who needs more care. But I don't know you, so I realise you can't rely on my view!

However, if you feel you can't go through the 'state' route to get help, I wonder if there are charities you can go to - such as 'Mind' for example. Would you feel less terrified talking to a trained person on a confidential helplines? They might be able to help you figure out what is wrong and what you can do to get the right sort of help.

If it helps at all, I felt almost ashamed when I spoke to my midwife about my antenatal depression. I was worried that she'd either think I was just making it all up and should pull myself together, OR that she'd think I was a total loon and commit me to some programme I didn't want to be on and forbid me from having a home birth (which I'd like).

One thing I've realised about (my) depression is that the impetus to change the way you feel has to come from you.

I feel for you. Good luck