losing sight of myself

[littleearthquakes]

I feel like a complete fraud posting here so really sorry in advance, I just don't really know what to do with myself. I have name-changed.

From 14-21 I was clinically despressed (god aren't all teenagers?!), self-harmed, attempted suicide, drove myself to the brink of destruction with drink and drugs and sex whilst maintaining this happy, hard-working, optimistic facade. Many of my friends when they find out (as I've got older I've become more open) are completely shocked to hear how I was when they knew me then. I skipped on and off ADs and therapists.

It all started coming together when I met now DH. Without massive amounts of pressure, he stopped me taking drugs, provided a stable life, I stopped self-harming and have more or less led a happy life since (we all have bad days though don't we)

Since the birth fo DS 18months ago I've been through the baby blues, was kept an eye on for PND due to mental health history and although a total emotional wreck at points, I feel I'm coming out of the other side.

Except the last few months I've been feeling the same feelings of just not knowing at all who I am or who the people closest to me are. I'm worried because this is exactly how I felt so much of the time when I was younger (in between the excessive highs and lows). I feel numb and empty and anxious that everyone around me just puts up with me. I'm sure a lot of this is to do with being at home full time with DS, not wholely out of choice, thanks to work being hard to get in my industry.

It's the feeling I am the shadow beyond my physical presence, that I am so conscious of seeing out my eyes because the facade is being built up brick by brick and I am perpetually creating the life that people believe I lead.

I've been out of the system for about 5 years now, I've no idea where I start to think about therapy again, and I certainly can't afford it. I know I don't need ADs but I certainly won't get pushed to the front of the NHS therapy queue this time.

I'm drinking a lot and worried that the self-harm tendencies are starting to raise their heads. I have also been playing with fire with an ex - we have broken contact because I really don't want to hurt anyone else (ie DH and DS) by having an affair that I know I only want because it pushes my slf-destruct buttons.

Sorry for the waffle, I really don't know what to do.

Can you start by stopping the kidding yourself?

Looks like you are posting in the right place and no apologies. You need to get some help and quick and you know it. Don't be overcome by panic about getting back to how bad you were. You are a different person now, a wife, a mum, an adult. Just struggling.

If you feel like harming yourself be it through classic sh or a fling with an ex you need to act now.

Go to your GP. Ask for counselling. Thanks to the IAPS program the waiting list isn't as bad everywhere as it used to be.

And keep writing here if it helps.

thankyou for such a swift response - what is the IAPS program?

Improved Access to Psychological Therapies (emm that makes it IAPT [blush - sorry still recovering from bad weekend).

here

thankyou

feels ridiculous - I know what it is to be horribly depressed and that isn't what I am. Just think I'm in danger of fucking things up in one way or another just to feel something

Why ridiculous - frustrating yes of course.

Don't forget that depression has different guises. Being so desperate to feel something means something is wrong. I've physically hurt myself to jsut feel something that seems real. It's not right.

You may respond differently now you are a mum - my dh still gets depressed but having our ds means that he no longer considers bailing out an option, but the pain is still there.

Have to admit I have had thoughts of bailing out this weekend (I have PTSD and lots of external stress and sometimes the pain gets too much)but am through the worst again with support from friends. Guess that's why I'm so keen for you to get help now. These little ones depend on us.

That is so true - I guess which is why I've been not facing up to it, I have to be strong and present a good role model to my son. But days when it's just us two, so I don't have to pretend, or find it difficult with him, it drags and it horrible. Feel so guilty for wasting this time with him - and the scars are finally fading I don't want to create more for him to see when he's older.

The stuff with the ex has knocked me for 6 - he has no idea where the 'desire' for him stems from (he approached me) and I'm sure it would turn him off the whole idea immediately! I'm so used to dealing with emotional pain by creating physical pain, I think this is dangerously close to creating a different emotional pain that is easier to explain? Does that make sense? I just sound like a lying adulteress...though am not yet. I know now the real reason I want to cross that line and it's pathetic, I'm glad at least so far I've managed to stop myself from doing that.

Sorry, this is all so self-indulgent, which has always been my biggest flaw. Have had vodka during DS's nap, feel like a horrid failure of a mother. Sobering up with coffee and begging him to wake up so we can get out of the house and pretend to be normal again.

sorry, I'm bumping because I'm alone (DH out with friends, blissfully unaware) and on the 2nd glass of wine

wanna talk? I'm sat her chatting on facebook, dh out, diet coke instead of wine though

thanks willisurvive

am the same, browsing the internet...maybe diet coke would be better

Not being judgmental about the drink - I just don't like the taste. Have other vices though.

How you feeling?

better than earlier...just numb I guess. Called the doctor's and made an appt for Thurs morning. Slight bit of SH this afternoon, feeling like an idiot but also relieved.

How are you?

So the pressure was quite high then if you had to sh? Hope you cleaned it up well I've only ever used my nails so never quite breaks the skin. I tend to do it to cope with flashbacks/painful memories.

I'm ok - shattered. First bit of energy in a few weeks and I've cleaned the whole house. Hope I get some sleep as my head is very fragile.

well done! hmmmm sleep, it's a precious commodity isn't it?

I literally only did it a tiny tiny bit - so much harder now I'm in a caring relationship where he'd notice, much harder to hide.

So what if he does notice? Are you ashamed? Worried that he will be worried?

all of the above...I don't tell him anything whihc is odd I suppose seeing as he got me out of it all before. Well, kind of subconsciously he did. Hvaing his love and support made me more confident in who I was. So we've never had to go through my 'issues' together.

He has in the past told me to pull myself together

Pull yourself together is not a phrase that inspires you to tell someone how bad you are feeling is it.

But it is a big thing to hide! And it will mean that to an extend you can't fully be yourself in the relationship.

I've never really been fully me in any relationship, physical, family, anything. Even the relationship I have with myself is based on lies and fantasy

someone just bumped your thread from saturday - I appreciate so much you being here to talk when you're going through so much yourself.

Hope you manage to get some sleep (and are sleeping now) - the green nytol is the herbal stuff and better than the blue, which never got me to sleep quickly and made me feel horribly groggy when I did wake

Thanks - still here but going to bed now. Yes was a grim weekend but not so bad now and never to bad to reach out to someone else.

Keep talking - hope you get some sleep.