I am a useless mummy

[StableButDeluded]

Hello, please can I post here, I have no-one to talk to and I'm so worried abd unhappy.
I have suffered with anxiety for many years,and one bout of clinical depression which was triggered by something very specific. Was treated with Ads for that and it went away, but my anxiety problem has always remained.

Had my DS four years ago and developed severe PND-didn't want to harm him, but was constantly wanting someone to take him away and look after him as I felt I couldn't do it properly.
That feeling went eventually and I feel very loving and close to him, but I still have bad days with my anxiety, and on those days I am very weepy, irritable and anxious. I try to hide this from DS as i am petrified of him seeing me upset or crying. I am so scared I will somehow scar him mentally if he sees me like this-all mad looking and weepy and acting strangely.

Well, today i couldn't help it. I had a really bad day anxiety wise, and I had no-one to fall back on to look after DS, and I just couldn't keep up the pretence of being normal. We were in the library, and DS started playing up a bit, so I told him off, then I suddenly felt that everyone weas staring at me and thinking what a bad mum I was, so we left. As soon as we were in the car I burst into tears and shouted at Ds, and then at home I couldn't stop crying because I felt like such a shit for frightening him. And the worst is that my DS started crying too, because I was upset.

Now I am absolutely terrified of what my anxiety will do to DS? Am full of guilt that he saw me crying like that and was frightened of me, or what was happening to me. I am a useless mother, I'm so worried I will somehow cause him to have anxiety problems if he sees me getting upset. I know this probably sounds mad, but I can't bear him to see me crying and acting unreasonably.

I try so hard to conceal my real feelings on a 'bad day' but i just couldn't today and now all I can think of is what a horrible, useless, mad mother he has, and how he'd be better off without me.

When I used to have mad attacks in front of my children, I used to lie and say I had a headache that hurt so much it was making me cry, but that I had taken some medicine and soon the headache would go away.

UI don't even know if that's right or not, but it helped them deal with my tears (tangible reason that's definitely not their fault) and helped me to deal with their discomfort at my tears

As for your anxiety - have you seen your doctor?

Hi, yes, I've had various treatments for anxiety-counselling, relaxation techniques, ADs-I'm currently on 40mg Citalopram which is what I was initially given for the PND, but the GP has kept me on it as it supposedly helps with anxiety and panic attacks as well.
I don't know really whether it's helping or not, Dh says he thinks I should go back to GP because my bad days seem to be worse, and affecting me longer, but I know there's not much she can do except up my dose to 60mg (the maximum). I've been on 60mg before and TBh it didn't make any difference.

I do usually pretend that I'm ill with a headache, and take myself off to bed,if Dh is being looked after. Bt couldn't today as I just sort of went into this meltdown in front of DS at the library, then just kept bursting into tears at home over hte slightest thing.

It's this terrible nagging worry that somehow I will 'damage' him in some way if he sees me like this-that if I keep doing it, he will grow up hating me-that's not normal, is it? Every time I have a bad day I worry and beat myself up over how it might be affecting DS, and what an awful mother I am.

Stable, can I be blunt? Worse things have happened to children and they have survived and gone on to become happy healthy adults. Children see tears and thats ok, because tears are a normal part of life, obviously the reason behind your tears is the problem , but they don't know that.

We all have doubts about our parenting skills, but tbh, if you were a crap mummy, you wouldn't be here asking for opinions/advice. You are a good parent, believe in yourself...

My ds is only 2 but it is impossible to hide from him when I'm upset as he spots everything and has a very astute sense of other people's emotions.

I just hug him and tell him it is not his fault, we are all ok and I love him to bits. Mummy is just a bit sad and it happens sometimes. it is ok to cry when you feel sad.

I think he un derstands fine.

I struggle more with the days when I have no energy to do things with him and just leave him to play by itself.

I think that bad mummy feeling is something so many of us on here share. But that loving feeling you describe is what your ds will remember.

If you feel like it, pop over to the Anxiety Club thread - we're all dealing with anxiety there and I've found it a real support just to write down how I'm feeling to other people who understand. I hate the bad days of anxiety where I just want to go to bed and cry - I just tell myself that it's ok to have a bad day.
I'm sure your son is a happy, loved and cared for little boy and even parents who don't suffer from anxiety/depression sometimes lose it and cry in front of their children or shout. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Hi, I'm recovering from pnd and know what a huge strain it can be to hide your true feelings and 'put on a brave face' - it's so draining.
All mums to varying extents doubt their credentials from time to time I'm sure - it's such a hard relentless job at times and we just muddle on through and mess up from time to time.
You're not going to harm him by crying in front of him but I do think you should go back to your gp if you're feeling like the down days are getting more frequent - there may be lots they can do rather than just upping your dose.
Could you and your ds go and see a film/rent out a dvd together - especially a funny one? Or have a picnic on the carpet with some toys - not much imagination required and I'm sure he'd love the attention. Can he have a friend round so that they can play together and you can have time to read a book/magazine?
There's no magicwand for this but you need to be honest with yourself and your dh and gp. Don't let it slide before seeking help as it's way more difficult then. Good luck and keep chatting on here x