how often do you think about killing yourself?

[memoo]

Even if you know you would never actually do it though? do you still think about it

There are more and more women in todays society that are suffereing from depression. Juggling children, work, and the house is a lot to handle.
Questions like yours are not that unusual but should never be overlooked.
Lots of people KNOW they would never actually commit suicide but the thought of just disappearing for a while is appealing. If you are feeling like life is overtaking you or having thoughts such as you committing suicide then it sounds like you are suffering from depression.
If you haven't already then you should go and see you GP.

The thoughts of ending it are always with me, I dont want to be here 99% of the time and the other 1% I'm thinkin of ways to hurt myself. I've had depression for 16 years and it doesn't seem to be getting any better

Sometimes a lot. Sometimes not for a while.

You okay memoo?

Memoo are you feeling bad hun xx

I'm like cpanda - get episodes of just wanting to walk out and never come back without thinking about the destination. Actually did it once but reached out to a friends and they found me.

Sometimes, when stressed. But then I do tend to plan out elaborate scenarios of all kinds a lot of the time as I write fiction and I'm just kind of aware that sometimes my thoughts will head off in a particularly bleak direction (telling myself stories about my own death or someone elses) but for me it seems that once I've kind of thought the story through then it generally disappears.

Too often but the thought of leaving the kids is what stops me........

hiya memoo you OK darling?

Quite a lot...I find that it becomes a sort of default scenario for me. I will head down the black tunnel again and the thoughts are there as a sort of rescue-plan. I think that once you have seriously considered it it becomes a dangerously familiar, almost companion thought.

I also used to fantasise a lot about being allowed to die after the kids had grown up or wouldn't need me any more. Or that I would die for some natural reason, and not need to kill myself. I know, sounds sick when there are so many people fighting for life.

This month's been a good month, no thoughts of it. Last year I was obsessed with doing it for about 3 or 4 months.

Allegrageller - I am totally in agreement with you, it is with me most of the time, sometimes more strength to the thoughts than others.

URGENT

SolidGoldBrass - please look in chat
do you know a posted called KayHarker - think she may be in trouble.

Oh my allegrageller I have those thoughts all the time (being allowed to die when children don't need me any more). DH would be really mortified if he knew.

I think about it every time I can't sleep and it is 3am and I'm still awake. I even tell DH I want to die at 3am. He just says 'no you don't, you want to sleep'.

When I was at my lowest in January I imagined driving to our favourite beach where there's a big cliff... God sounds so awful now when I write it down as I could not do it to my three DSs they'd be devastated. I know I couldn't actually do it. Sleep deprivation makes me feel so awful though.

I have never thought of doing it

The only time I have ever thought about it was when I was in a psychiatric ward. They are supposed to search your stuff when you get admitted but they didn't search mine for some reason. I had a little pen knife on my key ring.

It terrified me because I was aware I was "planning" things even against my own will, I didn't want to do it, but the thoughts kept coming and coming. I finally summoned up the courage to hand over my pen knife to one of the staff and my hand was trembling as I did it.

They took all paracetamols off me. The knife in the kitchen was locked away in the safe. The only thing I had access to was a water cooler. So I tried to do it that way - by drinking as much water as I physically could, and then drinking more and more again. Sounds so stupid, I was desperate. What a stupid stupid thing to do! It sent me into a coma for 36 hours. They thought I';d taken an overdose as I was tachicardic and my BP plummetted to dangerously low. Sodium levels in my blood were rock bottom. I was very lucky to come round. Stupid stupid me.

I feel so shocked at myself now when I think back. I have such a wonderful DH and DD. Those thoughts are so so far away from me now. I can hardly believe I am the same person as I was back then. It made me realise these thoughts were not me , not what I really wanted, they were symptoms of the illness I was going through. I did not really want to die. The illness had a grip on me and I was desperate to escape.

I am so so so glad that I was protected during that vulnerable time.

Suicidal thoughts are not normal, they should not be "tolerated" without seeking help, they are not a safe place to be and they are a sign of something being wrong. Please seek help.

Yes, I think the feeling of "wanting to escape from life" and the urge to consciously kill yourself can be two different things.

However, sometimes the drive to "escape" can come very close to danger, so I don't think these feelings should ever be ignored IYSWIM.

No these thoughts shouldn't be ignored even if they are 'just' about running away.

I once did run away - walked a few hours away from home - but my thoughts kept going towards a motorway bridge where someone died (there's always flowers) and when my feet wanted to go there too I text a friend that it was all going wrong and that i had walked away. They had a scared hour and a half or so until I could tell them where I was. I had some sense talked into me and I needed it.

I think when I had these thoughts I was just trying to express my anguish and frustration at how I was feeling. In the cold light of day I never, ever have these thoughts, only in the middle of the night when I'm trying to sleep and I've worked myself into a frenzy (silly, silly me). I think what I am really saying at these times is 'I don't want this life to carry on, I want my old life / a new life to start'. I know myself I could never do anything to hurt myself as I have three lovely DSs and I can't imagine not seeing them grow up.