Short(er) version of a long story. I asked H to move out to give us some space a couple of months ago after he admitted he admitted he didn't love me any more. I'm (now) 34 weeks pregnant and we have a 2yo DS.
When he made his admission I fell apart and was a complete wreck for a few weeks. I know that a lot of our problems are down to our own issues with our parents and how we relate to people, and I have been sure I have been suffering from depression since I was a teenager. We've talked on an off about me getting help for years, but I've never felt able to take that step. I felt so bad at this point that I went to the GP, got ADs and got referred to a counsellor.
I think the ADs kicked in at about the same time as he moved out and for a good few weeks I've felt much better than I have for a long time. I realised how unhappy I had been with him and felt like a weight had been lifted. I've been nesting big time, getting the house in order, reconnecting with old friends and generally working on improving myself. Lots of people have commented on how much happier I have seemed and I have been feeling really positive for a while. I saw a counsellor a couple of time but she said I was coping so well that I should wait till after the baby was born to deal with the issues about my childhood.
H has DS for 3 nights a week and one day at the weekend, and DS seems to have a lovely time and spends better quality time with both of us, and I have enjoyed the time to myself.
In the last week or so however, I've really come down. I know that part of it is that I have been overdoing it physically and sleeping even worse than normal (I don't lay awake thinking very often, I just wake up every couple of hours)
Add to that the fact that H is being reasonable and more thoughtful than he has been for a long time (although that would not be hard). I've even seen glimpses of the man I fell in love with and that really got me down. I'm waiting for him to decide he is ready to talk to me (I have asked him to go to relate when he is ready) and as I have been
I'm now getting really scared of giving birth and how I am going to cope with this baby, and I am talking to people but I am struggling to lift myself out of this, despite some time to myself to rest this weekend. I'm scared of dealing with H telling me he wants a divorce when the baby is little. I know he will support me practically, but I don't know how to deal with him and my own feelings as well as a baby and a toddler.
I wrote H a big letter this morning which has helped me stop sending things round in my head so much, but I think it is too much at the moment to send it - I don't think it would help, and I can't push him any more (I've spent too much of our lives together doing this and its not worth getting back together if I've pushed him into things before he is ready)
I'm not as bad as I was because I can still, with a real effort, pull myself up enough to get things done (which in the past I have struggled with, struggled to make myself get out of the house or clean up etc) but I'm just feeling very sad and scared at the moment.
I am going to ask for an appointment with my counsellor again to talk through this and my fears about the birth etc, but in the meantime I think I just need some sympathy