My mother-in-law is a paranoid narcissist - any advice?

[emeraldgirl1]

Very brief background - she came close to ruining our wedding with months of hysterics about certain people we wanted to invite (people who she felt had sided against her in her divorce but who were very important people for my H to invite) and was so bad on the day itself that even the photographer came up to ask me what was wrong with her. Too many other examples of histrionic behaviour to catalogue. She is a victim and everyone gangs up against her (apart from her other son who is the golden child these days).

This week she had a (minor) elective operation. DH offered to collect her from the hospital and drive her home. For the entire journey, she ranted and wept at him, every time he said something bland like, "I'm sure it will all be OK" she would scream, "don't tell me that! you don't know that!" And when he said nothing, screamed at him for saying nothing.

Halfway through the drive she suddenly got it into her head that he had accidentally called her by the name of this particular woman who she had not wanted inviited to our wedding - at which point she began to accuse DH of having invited this woman to stay. He hadn't even mentioned her name - there would have been absolutely no reason to. When he said this, she screamed at him that he was a liar and she couldn't trust him. Twice more on the drive she demanded he tell her the truth about whether or not this woman has visited. (She hasn't; not sure it should matter even if she had).

She then started up her usual paranoid complaints (that my family exclude her from everything; that DH lies to her about where he is and what he does with my family) then she jumped out of the car and refused to let him take her the rest of the way.

There has since been the a email sent by her since about how a doctor friend has told her that the anasthetic she was given might well have caused paranoia. (This despite 4 years of paranoid and hysterical behaviour approx once every 2 months). 'Explaining' rather than apologising. She NEVER apologises; DH pushes and pushes to get her to accept responsibility for her behaviour every time, and she never does. He then withdraws from her for several months but eventualy she starts being 'pleasant'. He has NO support from other family members on his attempted stance to challenge her.

This has really made me reach the end of my tether with her. I have written her a long email (I can't face the hysteria of a face-to-face confrontation) but not sent it. DH isn't keen for me to send it but I feel so strongly on his behalf that am tired of her abusing him. He stands up to her every single time and I want to stand up for him for a change. Should I send the email? Or just ignore her?

Yes, this is what I fear happening... well, I say 'fear' - right now I'm so angry I think I'd love it if we didn't have her in our lives!! But it's a big risk to take for when the dust settles. I'm just so tired of her tantrums and histrionics - and most of all the fact that she's apparently a poor little victim who never has to take reponsibility for anything because the world bullies her - when the only bully is her!

Do not send the email. There can be no good outcome (concerning the type of person you are describing) and plenty of bad ones

What you need to do is to keep her at arms length and see her as little as possible. Always be civil and suck up her behaviour. It sounds so far gone that there is little chance of her getting sorted out and any attempts will probably backfire.

Is it possible that she is going mad (I mean literally and don't mean it rudely or flippantly)?

thanks queenclarion

I have not sent it and dont think I will. I agree with you that there would be no good outcome. this type of person sees attacks everywhere and attacks back in a vicious way. I don't want to open myself up to that.

Yes, I think there is a very real chance that she is going mad - and I don't mean it flippantly either. I have thought this for the last few years. Mostly because this is not the woman she used to be - she was always neurotic but basically she used to be thoughtful and considerate, and she brought up a wonderful son.

I think this is why DH finds it so hard - she has changed beyond all recognition from the mother he still loves.

A friend of hers (utterly inappropriately, actually) has hinted at damaging things that happened to my MIL in her childhood. Certainly she seems to have almost regressed to childhood these days. Ever since her mother died a few years ago, she has been increasingly unstable. She has divorced her own H in a particularly aggressive and (to most people) pretty inexpicable way, though of course i accept you never know what marriages are like behind the scenes. She hates men with a passion - including sometimes it seems her own son.

I wouldn't send it. She sounds like she has a serious mental problem tbh.

Thanks BessieBoots...

And yes I think you're right. I don't think there is anything to gain; if she was capable of seeing what she is really like and how her behaviour really looks to people, she probably wouldn't be that way in the first place.

It's a bummer, though. I have a difficult mother too (though not on this level). I'd love for us to at least have one reasonable family member in our lives!!

I don't think people should be talking about this woman being "mad" as that is a rather insulting term to describe someone with a mental health problem. I think that it is highly likely that this is the case given the description of her behaviour. I think the best thing is for her son (or someone else close to her) to encourage her to seek medical help, or better still accompany her to the GP to describe her behaviour. The trouble is with mental health is that people (especially when out of touch with reality) do not have any understanding of how ill they are and will often not be able to describe their symptoms.

I know from experience that mental health problems are truly horrendous and this woman I think needs understanding and support.

You say she has changed beyond all recognition. One route to explore is if she is suffering from some sort of dementia. There are different types of dementia, people often just think of alzheimers and forgetfulness but different types of dementia can cause mood swings and changes.

This description is from the NHS website
"People with dementia may also have problems controlling their emotions or behaving appropriately in social situations. Aspects of their personality may change. Most cases of dementia are caused by damage to the structure of the brain."

Here is their page on diagnosis

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Dementia/Pages/Diagnosis.aspx

I'd be a little cautious about describing her as a "paranoid" "narcissist".

These are terms which have very very specific psychiatric meanings. If she is genuinely diagnosed as both paranoid and narcissistic, then OK.

But you are not describing much of a diagnostic process, and tbh in "Mental Health" I would be careful about using non-diagnosed terms.

i reckon you either have the balls to say it or ignore her - e-ail is just shitty.

ph0one her up and tell her she is a prize twat.

All I can say to you custardo is that I hope you never have the misfortune to suffer from some kind of mental health problem. The lady described clearly needs some kind of help, be it psychological/medical or a combination of the two. What she certainly does NOT need is someone calling her insulting names like the one you suggest.