I can't ask for help when I most need it

[MitchyInge]

I knew the stress of my daughter becoming unwell again could trigger an episode (bipolar) so I went to GP a few weeks ago and resumed the meds that I always forget to take when I'm well. I should probably have taken her up on the offer to have support from CMHT again but 1. it's hugely important, psychologically, to be out of that system and 2. I didn't want to see my old consultant for myself while he was treating my daughter.

For some reason am alienating myself from all support even though am feeling increasingly desperate - can't seem to answer the telephone or open any letters and am struggling to manage even an hour or two of work a day. Struggling not to spiral into full blown panic about the financial implications of that.

Had horrible experience with a friend who was very supportive but turned on me, out of the blue, pretty much saying I had bled her dry even though almost all the help she gave me was unsolicited, her ideas, her insistence. Think this has badly knocked my confidence, left me feeling undeserving and horribly guilty. We sort of partially patched things up but as a result when my daughter became so ill she had to be sectioned and all the trauma leading up to that, I turned to other friends only to incur her wrath again for 'leaving her out in the cold'.

I'm withdrawing more and more, can make small talk when I have to and find MN a great distraction but am feeling worse and worse each day. I know I need to see someone but I can't. I have to be fairly on top of things to make and keep appointments, but when I need them most I just don't function well enough to do that. What should I do?

Oh Mitchy

I was in a similar(ish - don't know the details of your situation of course, but also had a DD going through an extremely difficult time) place a few years ago and what I really wanted and needed at that time was a sort of 'mentor' to help me keep on top of things - practical things, like opening letters, sorting out my bills etc more than psychiatric help. Also felt utterly unable to ask for help. I never did find out if one of the MH charities like Mind have some sort of support worker/mentor system. Things did actually spiral out of control financially and I ended up in a mess which would've been avoidable if only I had had some support to keep on top of it.

Have you got anyone other than the friend you mention who can help out on a practical level - sorting out an appointment for you and going with you to the appointment for moral support, for example? If not is any help of this sort available via the professionals you're already in contact with? If not do you have any MN mates close by who could sort out that initial appointment on your behalf to get the ball rolling?

I'm really sorry this is no help at all is it. I don't know your situation at all and you've probably posted on MN about it before so others with more knowledge of your circumstances and more helpful advice will be posting as I type, I'm sure. I'm really sorry you're going through this

Oh it is a BIG help, you understand and took time to reply. Am sorry you've been through difficult times too though

actually feel bit better knowing someone has heard me, maybe I could make a list of people who are likely to want to help - although there is always something going on in everyone's lives, you think 'I mustn't bother them', but so many people ask if there is anything they can do. Or maybe I just need to create a bit of space and time to cry, instead of gearing whole day towards making things better?

I don't know the details but you've clearly got a massive amount on your plate atm Mitchy, anyone would be feeling overwhelmed by it all. The bit at the end of your post about making and keeping appointments really rang a bell with me - I remember feeling almost like I'd been struck dumb, I just couldn't get the words "please help me" out of my mouth Is there anyone you can contact today who could sort that appointment out on your behalf? Someone who could just do it, no questions asked, and take the responsibility for both making and keeping that appointment off your shoulders? Creating a bit of space for yourself sounds good too - a break from having to keep on top of it all so you can have a bloody good cry. Might release some of the pressure temporarily?

Thinking of you x

Thank you - I thought about writing to GP, did have an unsolicited visit from cmht who said I can call them directly, it is just making the call. There is something excruciatingly embarrassing about asking someone else to do it though, I think if I just start to frame the thought of asking I will disintegrate am trying not to cry just imagining myself saying 'please can you phone x or y and make appointment for me' .

Thanks for being so kind when I feel so pathetic, it is surprisingly risky to post when this fragile and fragmented x

How about emailing someone to ask - easier than saying it out loud?

Totally know this feeling: it's bloody awful

I realise this sounds totally bizarre because I'm a random stranger but I would be more than happy to make that call for you (email is molesworthmn at googlemail dot com)

I know just how you feel, we are screaming inside for someone to help but just can't voice it. As a child I think I learned that I shouldn't have too many needs, emotional or otherwise, so I became totally self-sufficient and independent, to my detriment, I now cannot ask for help and trying to keep on top of everything (demanding full-time job with frequent travel abroad, hurtling towards repossession of house, family demands, etc, etc) is a mountain I cannot climb. Washing machine broke down recently and a well-meaning friend said 'you must keep on top of maintenance of your appliances', this to someone who can't even get out of bed some days let alone check my appliances!!! A mentor would be bliss, eh?

That is so kind of you Molesworth, not bizarre but extremely thoughtful and welcome. Will contact you and hope you won't think it inappropriate should I take you up on it?

Serajen that sounds so familiar, it brings home the extra expense of these sort of situations - living in somewhere between crisis and basic survival = unavoidable neglect of anything that is not an immediate priority. It is hard to explain to people that taking all day to achieve what you would normally manage in a coffee break and lunch hour can count as the best day you've had for some time. But I know I didn't understand these things until it became the way I lived myself at times.

How are you today Mitchy?

Offer's open if there's anything I can help with, seriously. But I quite understand if you feel weird about it (although I promise I'm not a hairy handed trucker!)

I know the hugs thing is frowned on a bit here on mn, but sod it, sending hugs to both of you x

Mitchy - hope you are ok today. You have been so kind to so many different people on these threads and everyone will be thinking good things for you.
Im not surprised your run in with your friend has had such an impact on you. That would have really knocked me too. I think you'll just have to accept that she just isnt someone who can help you in these difficult times.

Do you think the meds are helping at all yet?

thanks for both being so nice, things have shifted a bit for the better - I feel more like me again anyway, not a great deal of change so far in circumstances generally but all feels that bit more manageable