feeling sad

[willsurvivethis]

Just sad, not crying my eyes out and functioning fairy well but sad.

I have a lot to be sad about, really starting to grieve for what I've lost as a little girl. It was hard realising a few days ago that I have never been carefree as long as I can remember. Always worrying and fretting.

The image of a 7 year old confused by the abuse going on and frantically splitting herself in two to cope with it is becoming clearer and some of the feelings are coming back too.

After a life of supressed emotions these feelings are new and I don't know what to do with it so I carry on as normal but i have this heavy feeling in my chest and my stomach.

Not sure what the point of this post is - just need to get it out.

I'm so sorry Keep talking if it helps. I don't know what else to say, but remember we're all here, and listening.

Definitely keep talking. It sounds like feeling sad is exactly what you might need to do to get anywhere with this. Acknowledging your sadness may really help you free yourself from it. Allow yourself this - you needn't be sad forever.

People will be here to listen to you.

Thanks both - it means a lot

I don't know what else to say. With everything I have found out in the past year there's nothing left of my life as I knew it, of my childhood, of what little memories I had. Now I have lots of memories that really hurt.

At first it was hard enough to come to terms with what I 'saw' in the memories. And coming to terms with the fact that my parents did not stop it/ protect me. Dealing with what I felt when he did all those things is another matter.

WST, I can only guess at what you are going through as I don't know your story, but from what you have said I think you need to be very, very gentle on yourself.

A year to absorb or accept any big impact is really absolutely nothing in terms of time. A year is short and whatever has affected you from childhood may well need a lot more processing than twelve months can give. Lots of people will tell you that on the first anniversary of losing their loved one they 'can't believe it's been a year'. From the sounds of things, this make take a while for you to get through.

On the other hand, please believe that you absolutely will make it out the other side of this, whatever it is. There is the strength of human spirit in all of us.

Willsurvivethis - not surprised you sad, with feelings emerging. Are you able to see a professional to go through these thoughts/memories? (For me, I have learnt that I split at time of trauma and blocked things successfully for years).

Thinking of you, don't have many words.

My ds was born 2 years and a bit ago after a traumatic labour and 12 hours later he was very ill, life threateningly so. He was brain damaged they found out.

After a year things settled down but i got ill. Was diagnosed with ptsd over his birth. The ptsd opened the floodgates for memories of childhood sexual abuse by a teacher. Bad. And in so much detail that I can't deny it although I try.

In finding out more and having therapy I discovered I didn't have a secure attachment to my mum as she couldn't cope with some traumatic events of her own. This may have predisposed me to the abuse that came later.

So that's why, in the space of a year - nothing left of what I thought I knew.The only thing left is my family: dh, ds, close friends and to an extend my dad (mum dead).

Family is good, family is A LOT. Hang on to that.

You've really been through it, but you are right: you will survive this. And there are solid aspects of what you knew of yourself before that will continue to be 'true' of you, it's just that they are obscured right now by these huge issues and revelations.

Good to hear you are having therapy. Have you spoken to your doctor? I'm not one for saying everyone should or shouldn't be on ADs, but it might be worth discussing them with a GP if you feel low much of the time.

Thanks LD - we have considered ADs before but even when ptsd did its worst I was not clinically depressed, but reacting appropriately to the situation iyswim. Plus there was a risk of blunting very newly emerging feelings and emotions so a joint decision was made not to.

Still not clinically depressed - again sadness is appropriate response - just a difficult one.

Totally appropriate to feel sad. And it sounds like you don't want to wipe these feelings but learn to live with what happened more effectively. As someone who has rejected ADs in order to live with my grief (bereavement) completely understand.

Fwiw, you sound self-aware and on the right path now, even if you are carrying a heavy load. I'm glad you are on here talking about it though, it is important to be able to air sadness. (Sometimes in RL people have a tendency to want you to 'cheer up' and that can be crap.)

I'm blessed with some people in real life that are always there for me and who's opinion is there's only one way and that's through this and we're here all the way. But I find it harder and harder to lean on them because after a year I should be able to do it myself again surely.

DH does what he can but is clinically depressed and struggling lots.

willsurvive this - sorry to hear of those tough times. In therapy I also learnt that I had an insecure attachemnt to my parents ( took me ages to accept that, understand its significance) - my therapist has said that through building a secure attachemnt with someone (it will be with her in therapy, with strict therapeutic controls) that she believes I will be able to start coping better, be off medication, not sad etc.

Sorry - not meant to be about me, but would more therapy help? Had to go private as not able to get any at all on nhs, but despite sacrifice been and hopefully be worth it.

Great you have those people - if they say it, they mean it. It can take time, especially if dh ill and struggling.

Keziah thanks for sharing - I know things are tough for you.

I am still having therapy via a speciaist charity for survivors and she is very good, and there is no time limit.

Attachment remains a problem for me - progress is very slow. I kinda have stopped testing and pushing my DH - after 13 years. I panic over the attachment my ds has with me. I worry that he says daddy and not mummy, that he is such a daddy's boy etc. I have a very close friend, closer than a brother, and he had to tell me again last week to stop pushing him and his wife away.

It helps a bit to know what I am doing but I still do it. Attachment is just so unsafe, it can end at any moment and then I'll be alone and really hurt. Better to end the relationship now basically. Except the idea of that panics me too
because in my head/heart my 'permission to exist' comes from other people.

Sigh

What a mess...

willsurvivethis - great you got that therapy and no time limit. I think the whole theory of attaching means it does take time, unfortunately. Also have worked out that pushing people away and not starting relationships or ending them is a way of trying to protect self - hope you can allow yourself gently to attach, in a safe and slow way so that you can gradually apply that to areas.

Thinking of you - just cos things tough here doesn't mean not care, but appreciate your comment.

Keziah-sorry for a hijack, willsurvive- I saw you responded on the rhkmum's thread-do you or someone else know her in rl?-she doesn't sound good at all at the mo-did you read the op?

Winnybella i know her on fb and we chatted last night. No things are not good with her I know.