How can I help him/us?

[ItsAllTurnedToShit]

My Dh has a painful, degenerative (incurable but not life threatening) condition (diagnosed quite reecently). We have a 2 yr old DS. He has become so angry lately; I know he is struggling with pain, fatigue and fear (understandably) but his temper is awful, shouting at me and DS. I feel I am walking on egg shells. We have been together 13 years and I love him very much but feel I am losing him. He won't go for counselling or support groups (together or individually), rarely discusses it and says I blame too much on the condition when it is me/something else (i.e. not his illness). I know he's afraid but I can't help him. I am sacrificing my self esteem, confidence and parenting beliefs trying to help, support and sometimes placate him, and it can't go on. Where can I go from here? I don't suppose there are any answers but I don't want to leave him and can't do that to him.

Hi

I think you need to stand up for yourself and your son right away.

People who are down totally forget what it's like to be on the receiving end of that constant anger and depression. Make it very clear how tough and unfair it is. He may need lots of support for the illness and the problems it will cause, but he doesn't have the right to make the lives of everyone around him miserable and nervous 24/7. He hasn't the right to indulge becoming a monster to people who love him just because he's had a big shock. And if he knows early on that he has to be a grown up about this, he'll probably snap out of it. I'm not suggesting you're not sympathetic when he has bad days or bad moments, but it's not fair to make a vile atmosphere the norm in a family home. Won't help him either, as if he's a half decent person, he'll hate himself for being so mean.

One thing to check on is if any meds are making him moody - or whether the illness itself has that side effect. My father had undiagnosed type 1 diabetes for years and the anger that went with it was phenomenal, terrifying and detrimental to his family. Even now (he's very gentle usually) if his blood sugar gets high he starts shouting and banging his fists on the table. If he really seems unable to control his moods, it might be physiological, not just a moody response to bad news, and maybe some medics could advise on how to control this.

He's grieving for the life he had and lost and for the health he will never have and he does deserve patience. Anger and denial are stages of grief so it is not surprising.

Also pain, chronic pain, does funny things with your mood. Anger, irritability, depression.

It is however quite acceptable to say 'I understand your anger but stop taking it out on me/ds as it is not fair'. Becuase it isn't. And you need to keep being partners on an equal footing or your marriage will not survive. So you need to be assertive.

It is probably also a good idea if you find some support for yourself, possibly with the patients' association.

Hope things settle down soon.

Thanks you two, both incredibly helpful and, I feel, good advice for me. I have been thinking if I am unfailingly nice and tolerant then it will pass but can see this is destructive for us both. I need to be strong and stand up for myself and DS, while helping DH and loving him. Good job I am a woman isn't it