Where to start.
There are sooo many things going on in my world that I am trying to juggle all at once and I'm exhausted physically mentally, and emotionally I've just had enough and want to run away.
I had a horrible horrible childhood with an alcoholic father and a toxic mother it's always about her and my younger brother,and now the DC's I was placed into care when I was 12 after finally acting up so much that SS took notice. They were involved from when I was around 7 or so when my youngest brother died I was 7 and got the blame for it all even though I know know it was nothing to do with me he was born prem. I had several events happen to me that when I spoke up I was not believed at all I later found out that SS did believe me but it was my mum and grandparents making me believe they didn't my mum actually sided with the family who did what they did to me and is STILL friends with them to this day, she wanted me to invite them to my wedding and went mental when I said NO!
Even after going into care things didn't improve I was in 2 different children's homes and 5 different foster families and being sent home several times all in the space of 4 years when I was turfed out and got a flat I was 16 still at school doing my G.C.S.E's no wonder I ended up in an emotionally and physically violent relationship at that age after witnessing my father beating my mother and being told it was coz he loved her so much I believed him
I have 3 DC's DS10 DD2 4 DD3 13 moths DD1 died 8 years ago at 14 weeks due to SIDS. The older DC's dad died 4 years ago this may I then went on to meet my current partner and have DD3.
DS has SN and is a very very angry little boy due to all the losses in his life. I am hardly coping with him and now on top of it all I am now DP's carer as well he has pancritits and diabetes all I get is I'm tied I feel ill etc etc I seem to be supporting everyone around me but where is mine?? I finally kicked my parents out of my life last year when my mum decided to throw a fit at me while DP was in intensive care fighting for his life it was the lightbulb moment if you can do this to me while all this is happening to me then you are just not worth my time or effort. I could go on and on about my parents and lack of support my mum tried to arrange my DD's funeral behind my back, told me that I would never know what it was like to lose a baby when I had just visited my DD in the chapel of rest! She has helped me in the past, I got to a point when my DH died that I could barely function so she moved in with me for a few months and took over with the DC's but it was more look at me airnt I wonderful kind of thing than actually helping me, she has thrown this period in my face so many times, my dad once told me that my mum knew exactly how I felt coz she had lost patients at work (she was a nurse until medically retired) errrrmmm hello how dose losing a patient equate to losing the person that you were meant to spend the rest of your life with had shared your hopes, dreams etc with?
I always say my life is more soap opera than a soap opera I am under so much stress at the moment I can feel myself buckling. SS are involved with us and now the SW wants me to have a Mental Health Assessment. I've been on the waiting list for counseling for over 3 years and finally I am due to start this next week, I am hoping that I can finally be able to put some of my daemons to bed.
Not sure why I am posting to be honest I guess I need to get some of it down before I finally explode. DP#s friend stayed last night DC's were up at crack of dawn and I got up with them after asking if he would as his friend was downstairs and got told no. Finally managed to get him out of bed at gone 10am where he has proceed to have a go at me over something I said to his friend, the kids are squabbling the baby is shattered and screaming but won't give in and go to sleep for even 10 min's I've had enough. Thanks for reading if you got this far.