I don't know what's happening. I feel okay - but there is this overhanging horror and darkness that is threatening me; the calm before the storm, if you will. I feel like its all building up, and soon it will all crash down.
A few weeks ago, I realised I hadn't taken my medication for a week. And I felt okay, so I carried on not taking it. Right now, knowing its all there in the cupboard, the thought is that I could just take them all. But at the same time I don't feel desperate, or even particularly suicidal. Not more than normal, at least; I just keep thinking about taking them.
All the mistakes I have made, all the little slip ups, they are coming back and growing into one huge mountain of mistakes. This mountain is huge. Its so high I cannot see the top of it through the clouds. Everything I have ever done. I want forgiveness.
This is such a self absorbed post. I know it is (count the "I"s. Its terrible, no?), and I ask your forgiveness for that as you read this.
Must keep a smile in place,
Must keep running the rat race;
Is this endless cycle never broken?
Are the truest of words never spoken.
Its more the heart that beats in time, that,
Once more,
Laughing oh so sweet,
Tickles the fancy of Its All Fine.
Fine?
Fine!
Fine.
The blood that split, the walls that built,
Block out, block out;
The cold hard metal, on the skin in a cold hard world.
A colourful soul in a black and white room,
Or a black and white sight of a colourful eternity?
Cherry blossom dancing in the breeze,
Dance on, dance on, bright amongst the greening leaves.
A pattern of hope on a plain old blanket?
Or a thorn in the perfect bouquet of flowers?
Pain or beautiful, help or hinder.
Its all the same.