Not happy even when I should be

[clacketyclack]

I'm not sure this is the right thread, all my worries seem so trivial compared to most of the messages here and I feel pathetic even posting. However I have suffered depression in the past and can feel my head going that way again, like a fog descending. I could just really do with some support and advice to try and start some positive thinking.

I'm feeling really unhappy with the way my life is at the moment. I'm bursting into tears randomly, and the smallest most insiginificant thing is leading me to lose it at DP. He is being very patient and understanding and I think is fairly concerned about me.

I have an almost 14mo DD and I am currently a reluctant SAHM (the reluctance something I am feeling guilty about). I am working Sundays in a professional role and getting paid very well for it, but I really want to work in the week (albeit part time). I have found job hunting hard going with a lot of knock backs, and although I have been offered some roles, they are not paying enough for me to take them instead of the sunday (we are reliant on the money right now).

I'm finding myself feeling increasingly isolated and lonely. I feel like I'm not giving DD the best start as she needs to be socialising at nursery at least some of the time, and I feel like compared to my friends I am leading such an insignificant life. I miss my old life, simple things like lunchbreaks and chatting to work colleagues, and being able to give a career when people ask 'what do you do?'.

All my NCT friends have gone back to work meaning I have to start again with meeting people. I am getting out every day to things with DD (playgroups etc), but I'm finding that I've suddenly become shy and don't know what to say to the other mums. This is not like me at all, my old job involved a lot of presenting and client care, and I would happily meet anyone and everyone when it was in a professional capacity. However when it's just me as myself, I feel like I'm boring and don't have anything to offer them. I usually leave feeling really bad about myself (though DD has a great time).

I sound so bloody defeatest and self indulgent and I hate it, but I just can't see a way out of this mindset at the moment. I know I have so much to be thankful for, but so often I feel like running away.

Seeing as I have to accept this is the way things are for the moment, how do I start to love this life? I've never been good at being on my own and I think this is why am getting so down.

Tempting isn't it to think that everyone else has the 'rel' problems - means that you can take your self less seriously and beat yourself with a great big 'self-indulgent' stick

There's really no need why a 14month old should/must whatever be socialising in a nursery - you are well capable of giving her all the socialisation she needs. My ds was with a child minder at a time. I did not consider him ready for nursery.

Wondering if you feel 'deskilled', maybe not cut out to be a SAHM (there's quite a few of us - me included)or whether this issue has always been there but you've hidden behind your professional role and now you can't. Worth thinking about, understanding what's going on is half the battle.

Having just chucked in my job because it was worsening my otherwise improving mental health and not having another one lined up, and having taken six months unpaid leave to focus on therapy, I would say how much do you really need the money? Enough to be so miserable? Where are the priorities? Maybe you'll get paid a bit less but you may get more tax credits. And feel happier.

'real' problems not 'rel'

Thanks for your reply willsurvivethis. I think you are right about the issue always having been there. I have always, since I was a fat and bullied teenager (blossomed into a not unattractive young woman but those feelings stayed with me) had self esteem issues. I worry a lot that people don't like me, or I've pissed them off. I feel if I can tell people about my amazing job and if I live an amazing busy life noone will think I am a loser (which is how I have thought about myself for a long time). But that doesn't fit with motherhood does it? Then I feel like I'm a crap mother for caring so much about it and being jealous of my friends off drinking cocktails after work.

I guess we don't need the money, but this job is the only link I've still got to a career at the moment. I've taken a bit of a battering job hunting, I've struggled to even get agencies to see me, let alone get interviews. The only jobs I had any luck with I am well overqualified for, probably also not helping my self esteem.

Hi there clacketyclack

Your worries are not trivial or insignificant at all, don't feel bad about posting.

My first thought is that your DD is only 14 months - that really is very young still. Could you have a touch of PND perhaps? The "fog descending" and the "bursting into tears" is very reminiscent of me in PND-mode. Also the out-of-character shyness around other mums? When I am depressed, I find small talk virtually impossible. Everything just seems so effortful and pointless.

The fact you are working Sundays is a good thing - you are still in the job market even if you are not working during the week. It is a tough climate out there for any job hunter at the moment - don't take knock backs as personal rejection. I'm sure the right thing will come along.

You don't really need to put DD in a nursery for her own development you know. They say that very little ones get the most out of one-on-one contact with their main attachment figure, not necessarily from a whole host of assistants who flit in and out of their little lives. My DD does nursery one day a week and gets lots out of it, but I wouldn't want her there the whole time, and it was a necessary childcare arrangement for us, more than being about her development IYSWIM?

Could you investigate whether your local nurseries do half days? You could put her in for a half day and see how she gets on, it would also give you a break and give you a bit more time to look for jobs?

BTW you are not a crap mother. You sound lovely. Did you know that you may not be the best mother in the world, but you are the best mother for your DD.

Thanks GetDown, even though you don't know me, it still helps to hear something nice.

Not sure about PND, I definitely didn't have it before, is it too late for it to develop? It's only really since she's turned a year old and all my friends returned to work so I've been a lot more isolated.

Also feel bit better about the nursery thing. Hard to know, when I see my friends on their day off, they are all talking about how great it is that their DC are socialising and how much they enjoy it. I guess they are probably trying to make themselves feel better as well, but whenever they talk about it I feel like I'm letting DD down

Oh, and with the half day thing, nursery places are like gold dust in this area. I am on the waiting list for one (although I'm going to have to keep dropping back on it at the moment) and the minimum is 2 days, which we can't afford unless I work more.

true PND doesnt really start until about 6 months post delivery and it sounds very much like you have it/. Loss of confidence,shy,not having fun or enjoying life when you should.

I truely think that having your first child is very shocking to everything in yr life. Some women fall straight into happiness and seem to blossom, look fantastic, hubby loves it all is f-ing fantastic to those people but there arent many people like that and some dont even want to show it so if what Alyply says is true then my friends and I all must have PND!

We all change, life changes and it seems out of our control.

Just because you are a SAHM doesnt mean you cant have fun, enjoy life, meet new friends etc. I lunch, go to nice restaurants, day trips, meet new people throu my other friends. What about the gym? some have creche.

Bar work, what do you love to do and you need to find more fulfilment in life with what you like to do.

Yes, def. being at home with a baby is lonely but you have to get a routine/plan to make some days enjoyable.

I put my 1 year old in private nursery 2 days per week even though its very expensive, it gives me a break to catch up, do some things for myself....worth every penny. My husband is self employed so life is tough for me he's a workaholic so I need to find my own filfilment.

i don't think i really made any effort at socialising DD until 2 years+ - they're just babies then.

i think the title implies that you feel you 'should' be happy - as others have said being a new mum is a big upheaval, as you have given up your whole world in some ways, and have yet to get started in a new one...

there isn't any 'should' about it.

clacketyclack....i felt a bit like you after i had DS1 except i wanted to be at home with him. I was elated when i first had him and appeared to everyone to be coping with this tiny weeny prem baby. When actually,inside i was very lonely,loosing my confidence...DP away all the time,no friends,found it impossible to make friends at play groups. Everyone perceived that i was ok because i used to be a reasonably successful business woman.but underneath,like you say,this fog....almost difficult to assimilate my thoughts or to do certain tasks. Even planning food or housework started to become a mammoth task. I used to long for any company,male or female. The phone never rang. I used to wonder what was wrong with me....was i a horrible person. I was always asking people to come for coffee or lunch. Then i stopped coping,that fog descended when DS1 was about 13 months....my next door neighbour found me sat in the middle of the lounge just sobbing.I just sat there apparently and said"i cant cope any more...i need help".I Ended up in hospital for 3 months with severe PND. I have still found life really lonely but have learnt better coping mechanisms. But it still is really hard to cope with lonely days and nights.

Honestly you do sound depressed - whether it's PND or not I wouldn't be able to comment but the sudden shyness, not feeling happy even when you think you should, losing it with DP, feeling isolated are all indicators.

I can't tell you what to do, I wish I knew, but I understand how overwhelming socialising with new people can feel when you're down and that just feeds the vicious circle. It sounds like getting back to work would really help you so I'm keeping my fingers crossed and thinking of you.

Thanks for all the replies, alypaly I identify so much with your post that it made me cry. I am sorry that it got so bad for you and that you had to spend time in hospital. I need to make sure that I don't let it get to that stage

What are your coping mechanisms? I am having good days and bad days, honestly DP must feel like he is living with Jekyl and Hyde. When I have a good day I can barely remember what I was feeling down about, but it only takes one small thing for it all to come crumbling down.

Bacon, you sound like you have a lovely life and I think if I could do as much as you then I would feel much better. I just can't afford to put DD in nursery without working those days though. There is a gym with a creche though, and I'm thinking exercise may help generally so I'm going to look into joining.

Frakkin you are right, I think working more would really help me feel more self worth (as bad as that sounds). Thank you for keeping your fingers crossed.

hi clackety......i was the same as you....one day good,the next day,the depths of despair. I dont know how my ex coped. I had panic attacks....health anxiety attacks(which werent actually ficticious....they turned out to be real....the docs missed a chronic condition for 3 years until i ended up pointing them in the right direction.)

When i was busy ( and i seemed to create things to do)i seemed to be ok. It was the minute i had nothing to do that everything seemed to overwhelm me. AS i said i literally got to the point where i couldnt function properly to do the simplest task. My head felt absolutely full(a bit like a computer on overload). I couldnt sit still as anxiety had got a true grip of me. I couldnt sleep in bed........i just had power naps on the settee. Sex life was non existent. I dont know about you.......but i felt that i looked different, as if my inability to cope was obvious to others. I lost my confidence in going out to restaurants and pubs. All i wanted to do was to scurry back home.
I bottled it all up and then i cracked up.I could feel it coming on and one thing i noticed was my eyes felt starey. I dont really know if they were ,but it was almost like my pupils felt blown IYGWIM. I now know it was stress related.

CC it wasnt having DS1 that caused my the PND,I didnt know what it was at the time.
I felt unattractive,dirty,sexless,like you said...boring....no conversation. Yet i was so outgoing when i had a suit on and the facade to do my professional job.

I didnt miss my job.....i loved having DS1 ( although deeep down i wanted a girl) The reason being that i was assaulted when i was a young girl and the thought of boys filled me with fear. Dont get me wrong...2 boys later ,i absolutely adore them....but at that time i was mortified.
It had subconsciously brought back the feelings i had as a scared 8 year old girl.

Like you i have suffered from depression and anxiety since i was a young girl but it had always gone unnoticed.

I tried to be a perfectionist after i had DS1.
Are you a perfectionist by any chance as that could answer alot of questions.

Has something happened to you in the past that has given you similar feeling of loneliness,a feeling of no identity,of nothing to look forward to.

If i can help i will as it is a horrible place to find yourself in. And loneliness is so horrible

CC what caused your initial depression?

cc sorry i made you cry!!!!!!

Hi alypaly

Sorry had a few internet free days trying to clear my head. Your post made me think a lot. I definitely am a perfectionist, and very hard on myself for 'failures'.

I read another post about insecure parental attachment and looked this up. Don't want to self psychoanalyse, but a lot of what I read rings true for me. I haven't had a specific trauma as such, but parental issues that are still there tbh. The one way I ever felt secure of myself was in my academic ability and then later in my career. My whole self esteem is tied up in that because of events in my late teens that left me feeling unwanted by my parents. I thought at least if I am successful as a person then I can prove I am worth something. I suppose now that my career has gone I am starting to feel as inferior and insecure as I did back then.

Thinking things through like this has actually started to make me feel a bit better. Still lonely but I suppose I'm starting to think that perhaps being lonely doesn't automatically equate with there being something wrong with me?

Sorry just waffling now.

Hi clacketyclack - it is good to try and figure out what is making you feel the way you do. A word about insecure attachment. You mention events in your late teens. Events that late can do a lot of damage and cause a lot of pain, but they will not normally cause insecure attachment.

Attachment problems start usually in the preverbal time, ie before you are 3 and really learn to express yourself.

So, either problems with your parents started earlier than you know or something else is the matter.

It is worth finding out as attachment problems are huge and carry on right into adulthood. I didn't discover until a year ago that I had a serious attachment problem and that this was due to my mum not caring for me appropriately when I was a young toddler. Learning how it has affected me is helping me to deal with it (it is really helpful to know why you just have to push your dh and close friends away