Could do with some hand holding - really struggling ...

[kizzie]

Hi - im sorry to be posting again.
I started a thread at start of March to say had crashed down again. Have been on AD's since PND 11 years agao but mainly on very low doses.

After dropping from 15 - 10mg of a tricyclic in Jan i started having major panic attacks and severe depression again.

I have been back up on 75mg for 6 weeks now. Been upping the dose for about 9 weeks and been off work for 2 months.

I went back to work yesterday - coped ok. But today havent been able to stop crying at work. been hiding in the toilets. Feel so bad.

Its the same length of time i had off last tim (about 4 years ago) but was more in control of my emotions last time.

Im so terrified im not going to get well this time and also dont know what to do about work. Ive already had so much time off. Im in a senior position in a big company. Responsible for 50 staff and a big budget etc.

Not sure what Im asking really but just sat here sobbing

Oh lovey, don't cry. Things WILL get better. I don't have experience enough to help but didn't want this to go unanswered - someone helpful will be along soon.

Tomorrow will be better (hugs) Going back to work is a big thing, I don't suppose it's surprising that you're having a tough time today. Yesterday was adrenaline. Give yourself a bit more time.

I really feel for you. I remember the day I had to go back to work after hospital treatment for depression. No one knew and it was a big crushing secret and a scary time.

Think of it more like starting a new job. You'd expect to be very nervous and keyed up, and you would give yourself a couple of weeks to adjust.

This is the same. It's a really big change and is going to place demands on you. Please take care of yourself and take it a day at a time. That means giving yourself permission not to worry about the future or how you're doing too much (perhaps an assessment session on the way home each day, but no more?).

Cut the work up into bite-sized pieces and just take them one at a time, eh? Plan and delegate, be v nice to everyone but especially yourself. You are probably worrying a lot about how you come across but it's almost certainly nowhere near as badly as you fear.

And while control of emotions is certainly less embarrassing and more convenient, having it doesn't necessarily mean long-term you're in better shape. Being able to cry could be a good sign.

Good luck my dear.

thank you both for replying.
Ifeel like such a failure because today i was as bad as i was before i went on sick leave and yet have had almost 2 months off and have upped the medication back up to the therapeutic dose for a number of weeks.
Caught in that trap of worrying that will never feel well again

Hugs Kizzie - I know a bit of what you are going through. I was off work for six months then went back against advice from dh and a very good friend who's been through the deep dark with me. I thought I'd be ok but I wasn't.

Thinks that never used to 'get' me now do.

I've just agreed with HR to bring my redundancy forward by a month as I just can't hack it right now.

And that's working 2.5 days a week...

Should you have had a bit more of a staged return to give you a chance to get used to things again? Start by working every other day? Other things you can do to make things easier?

There's no reason why you wouldn't be well again. But maybe like me you're trying to run before you can walk (I was lovingly 'accused' of this only last night)

Take a bit of care of yourself

Hi WST. Im doing a staged return so only did 2 days this week .
Ive read some of your posts about your job and the type of work you do. I dont know how youve stuck it this long to be honest. Youve done brilliantly.

I guess im comparing this to 4 or 5 years ago when the same thing happened and I went back at the same stage.

Difference this time i guess is that im in charge - whereas last time i could float in for the first few days/weeks and hide behind other people a bit.

Only good news from that is that since my last relapse i completely got well again (well enough to be promoted and working full time.)

Im terrified now that medication not going to work this time. Ive been back up on 75mg (which is the highest dose ive used of this - any higher and my blood pressure goes mad)) for 6 weeks. Just wondering if people have still seen improvements AFTER this length of time on medications. (I know generally they say 4 - 6 weeks).

Hi kizzie

You poor thing you are going through a tough time aren't you.
Is it something about the job that is making you so anxious and low? It's just when you said that when you ran to the toilets you felt as bad as you did before you went off sick?

It sounds like a very responsible position. Have you had any therapy at all or CBT. Can be very useful for identifying thinking errors or where you are getting things out of proportion.

The fact you got completely well last time is very good news. There is no reason why you can't get well again. And why not use the medication for now to help you through? There is no shame in it. I'm sure ADs do carry on helping you get better and better after the 4-6 week period. It is a gradual thing, they don't suddenly reach maximum effectiveness at a certain point. Perhaps you just need to give yourself a bit more time.

How long is your staged return to work, i.e. how long are you doing 2 days per week for? In some ways that can be more stressful if you see all the things you have to get done, but don't have the time to do them in? Do you feel you can manage your 2 days next week?

Hi ive always managed my job very well. Its more the fact that the anxiety/depression are making me feel so shaky at the moment that im finding it very difficult to concentrate so that in turn makes the job difficult.
I just feel so unlike myself.
Ive gone back to work at exactly the same time as I did when this happened 4 years ago (so 6 weeks after going back up to 75mg).
Because yesterday was so awful though im just so terrified that its not going to work this time and i wont get better.
Sorry - i know i just keep saying the same things. Im just really really frightened.
I am trying with all the cbt stuff / going for walks/ diet / taking supplements/ realaxation exercises etc.

well, it sounds like you are doing all the right things.

You probably just need to give yourself a little more time. Healing doesn't happen quickly with mental health, unfortunately.

I'm sure you will get back to normal with your job, you have been off for a long time, it's bound to be difficult at first.

Would you consider short-term valium, just to get you through this tricky patch?

Hi GDYWF - i know this will sound ridiculous but im crying now because you replied. just feel so alone and that im letting everyone down.
I have got valium but dont really want tp use it because i think it sometimes makes the low worse. If that makes sense

I love, please don't cry.

[[[hugs]]]

you are not letting anyone down. What you are experiencing is an illness. It is a cruel illness because it distorts your thoughts. Feeling guilty is part of the illness I'm afraid.

You will get there. You are a survivor, you've come through this before and you will do again.

You may feel alone, but you're really not. I know what it's like to go through crippling depression and anxiety. And so do many others on here.

thank you

Im going to go and try and do the easy puzzles in the paper to see if I can stop the crying and feeling sick.
There are so many people here with real difficulties. i dont even have little ones to look after. My two are at school.

Minimizing your own difficulties compared to others is not helpful.

You are suffering - that is a real difficulty is it not?

Good idea to keep busy and try and distract yourself. Do you have a garden? You could take the paper outside and sit in the sunshine with a nice cuppa

I second GDYWF. And given your suffering, just getting to work and dealing with family life is a triumph, not a failure. Be kind to yourself today Kizzie

hi kizzie - i just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one back at work this week and finding it tough.

prior to this i had to come in for a couple of meetings and quite literally my mum had to come with me to the door. i had been off work for a year on maternity leave and the pnd and anxiety i had was crushing. i was absolutely terrified. in my meeting i was just thinking of 'escape routes'. but i got through it and managed the next meeting on my own on public transport.

now i'm back at work properly i'm still struggling a bit. my confidence has gone and like you i feel anxious a lot of the time.

but i'm now on my fifth day and i have to say it is getting easier. i feel a bit more relaxed today and less panicky.

i hope things get better for you too. you have done so well to even get to work so congratulate yourself on your achievements. as we all know even getting out of bed in the morning can be a struggle so getting to work is down right FAB!

thanks eldritch - and well done countrylover for going back. Im really glad things getting easier for you.

countrylover i think ive read in annother thread that you take a tricyclic too (hope i m not imagining this - sorry if am. i tend to notice if anyone mentions them because most people are on SSRI's.)

Just wondered how you are doing on it/dosage etc.

Hope you done mind me asking.

Really struggled today to stop crying and the low spiralling down.Just need a bit of a break from it really.

Have asked work if i can reduce hours and responsibility for a while. This will involve a lot of reorganisation because of the role i do but my boss has said he will consider it as an option.

Just wondered - there seems to a new type of Kalms - lozenges made from lemon balm which ive heard is good for anxiety. Does anyone know if you can use kalms etc at the same time as AD's?