Didn't realise just how bad I'd let myself get

[MadLenny]

Was at a meeting with occupational health during the holidays, referred there by my line manager due to level of short term absences from work. She asked lots of questions and for the first time I was able to be open with someone who's not my partner. Her main recommendation was to see my GP and to write down all the things I've been feeling so that the GP can get a clear picture of how things are for me . She also advised me to ask for a thyroid function test and a referral for counselling.

The occupational health doctor suggested getting my manager to do a work stress audit with me and I just panicked at even the thought of it - how can I possibly be honest with my manager when she is part of my problem. The doctor said she could see how anxious I was getting at just the thought of it but that if I could manage it would be worth doing.

I binge/comfort eat
i'm so tired all the time and could sleep for hours but when I do, I feel no better
My body aches all over
I have a constant head ache and horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time
Got a sore back/tummy upset/indigestion most days
Have hot flushes, heart flutters and felt dizzy at times
I'm crabby with my partner and daughter for no reason
If i'm not angry then I'm sobbing, over everything and anything, even silly little things
I find it so difficult to motivate myself to do anything - housework, work stuff, even getting dressed is a huge effort some days
my memory is shot and I have to write myself the stupidest lists (one thing I'd put down for today was have shower/wash hair!)
I feel like I'm constantly unwell and its a long time since I've felt 'myself'
I get so tearful and anxious going into work every day. I can feel myself starting to tense up the closer I get to work
I find my line manager unapproachable and so difficult to gauge what mood she'll be in so I avoid her or get really clammed up and stupid talking to her
I am scared of the person I job share with, not just how she treats me but also the person we work with, yet I LOVE my actual job. She makes me feel like a child who knows nothing.
Feel I can't please my manager or job partner - if I'm doing ok by one the other is annoyed
Feel cut off/ shut out at work due to part time/ change in school hours
Nothing I do is ever right, always someone unhappy with me
I worry all the time that I'm a crap mum and am doing things wrong. I also have really scary thoughts that something terrible is going to happen to my daughter and can visualise them but can't stop them.
I'm really fat and ugly, no-one wants me around and that will never change
just feel totally worthless and pointless, friends and family have no time for me and I couldn't even begin talking to them about how I feel
I can't be bothered doing things I used to enjoy, meeting friends, taking my daughter out places, going to musicals group - just can't summon up the energy
Get overly anxious when asked to do something I would normally relish - scat singing at music
Can't bring myself to go out but get 'cabin fever' when stuck at home
Just lost my grandad and finding it really difficult to cope with but I haven't been able to cry?
Money is a constant worry as my partner's hours at work are being reduced
My partner has an ongoing heart problem - his doctors have assured him that it's nothing to worry about but it doesn't reassure me and I worry all the time that something is going to happen to him

I knew things were not good but it wasn't until I sat here and listed these that I really realised just how low I felt and how bad I had let things get.. My partner is brilliant but I just feel so sorry for him having to live with me and my terrible moods.
Just can't see things getting any better, feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is just the train coming and I have neither the energy or the inclination to get out of the way
Don't even know if people will bother reading this as I've gone on and on for so long and why should they it's hardly worth reading about my crap when there are so many other people worse off than me

Hi, I'm not sure I have any answers for you but I did bother to read your thread and I'm sure others will too and give you some good advice. I am a fairly new poster so I don't know if you have posted before. So much of what you have written seems to show that you have extreme low self esteem and anxiety. Did the doctor offer you any other help?

I read it.

You're me. I could have written your post word for word.

Please get your thyroid tested; and retested if necessary.

It wasn't until I went on thyroid medication that I felt even close to normal.

Get you to the GP and onto antidepressants. Hopefully they will also offer counselling. You feel like you do because you are badly depressed. A shortish course of antidepressants will help sort your brain out so that you can address some of the issues that are getting you down.

Please go to your doctor ASAP. Don't waste your life feeling like this. You can and will get better if you try and if you get medicine. You owe it to yourself and also to your partner and kids.

Make an appointment tomorrow. Please?

Actually aubergines, I think she should get her thyroid tested before going onto antidepressants.

I was prescribed prozac before discovering I had hypothyroidism and it did nothing for me; thyroxetine made everything go from black and white to colour.

Hypothyroidism is a serious condition and the symptoms can be masked by antidepressants.

Agree about making an appointment with GP though.

I do agree that you should have your thyroid tested. But if those tests come back normal please don't give up hope that there is a cure for your condition. If you don't have a thyroid disorder then you do have bad depression and that CAN be treated.

madlenny sorry you are feeling this way.I think it sounds like you have a generalised anxiety disorder,you sound emotionally exhausted by it, and yes could def do with a thyroid test.I am not surprised that you are probably feel worse as you are grieving.As others have said trip to gps, also I know it is hard but try to get out even if only for ten minute walks to clear your head, and boost the seratonin in your brain.You are nto going mad,I have some of your things myself,I find forcing myself to do a few small things each day,hope you feel better soon.Do you have any rl friends to confide in this could be a relief to sound off on a friend/family Make a big effort with diet as well in terms of eating pleny of fruit/veg also fish oils great for mental health.

Thanks for the posts ladies.
My daughter is now 3 and I was diagnosed with PND when she was a few months old. Took ADs for a while and attended some group sessions. Came off my ADs a while ago and thought I was doing ok, had the occassional blip but generally ok. It's not until I actually sat down and thought about it that I realised, although I was better when I came off my ADs I was not 'well' and have been riding the same rollercoaster all this time. It's just recently things have built up to a stage where I am more aware of it and am increasingly unable to cope wiht it. Have been trying to get a GP appointment but it's a nightmare as really can't take time off work to go. Hoping to get one for after work Mon/Tue.

Hi MadLenny

The list idea was really good as it gives a clear picture of how you are feeling.

I do think that you may have a thyoid/hormone imbalance and that it needs checking.

I would also encourage you to do some exercise (walking is great) and start planning your meals without snacking.

Easy for me to type..but this will make you feel so much better.

And I do wish you feel better soon.

Please let us know how you get on...

Thanks for all your posts folks, have really carried me along this week

Finally managed to see a doctor today, although not my own GP he was in fact very kind and helpful. I took along my original post as suggested and he said that he thought it was very helpful for both of us and that he would like to take some time to read it and speak to me again at length towards the end of the week. Am having blood taken for thyroid function tests etc on Friday and have got an extended appointment booked for him on Thu which he asked if my partner would be able to attend. Actually felt a whole lot better just to be doing something about it so we will see how things go.

The only odd thing was he asked if I snore (ehm....yes, like an express train!) apparently chronic snorers can exhibit a lot of the same things I was describing because of underlying issues, hence the snoring and not getting a decent sleep