How can I avoid going under at a time when lots of shit things are happening?

[oneofsuesylvesterscheerios]

I don't have a history of depression; I am a coper and an optimist but a number of significant things are happening at the moment and I've had a brief glimpse into a situation that I feel might get out of control and I desperately don't want it to.

We are currently waiting for a diagnosis for my dad of suspected motor neurone disease - he is seeing a neurologist in 6 weeks. Over the last 5 months he has gone from a fit, able and independent (although elderly) man into someone who cannot walk without a frame, can't drive any more and is spending his days between his bedroom and his front room. He has heart failure too and it's very tough seeing his getting more frail each day. My mum died when I was 9 and he brought me and my brother up and never remarried.

My brother lives abroad and it's down to me and dh to help co-ordinate dad's care. I work 4 days a week in a demanding job and our dds are young.

And last night my best friend told me she is emigrating to Australia next year!!

I feel like I'm waiting to see which straw breaks my back at the moment. There are only a few people who I feel I can properly talk to: I know through past experience that there are few people that cope well with bereavement and hard times when it happens to friends. That's Ok, I know that not everyone knows how to support others but it feels quite lonely at the moment. Dh is brilliant but he's away til tomorrow and I guess I'm feeling a bit lonely and scared that I'm in this on my own.

How can I ensure I won't go mad with it all?

I don't know why I put 'coper' in bold. That was a strange thing to have done.

coper insinuates that you have not had a lot of support previously for issues you have dealt with in your life.....you know like you have had to deal with things...

Apart from your best friend is there anyone else you can catch up with and have a coffee/vent with?

Really sorry to hear about your dad

I agree with FS, it sounds like you've managed before with little or no support (hence making 'coper' bold). But for this you are going to want and need support from professionals, family and friends. If you're a coper and always the strong one, it can be hard to ask for/accept help/support from other people, like an admission of weakness or inability to cope. Might be way off the mark there, but that's the vibe I'm getting from your OP. Really, there's no shame or weakness in enlisting the support of others in a situation like this. You have got a hell of a lot on your plate already. Anyone in your shoes would be worried about how to cope with it all!

hmmm difficult. I guess the 'coper' bit comes from always being the one that is there with support for others. I'm not your 'typical' shoulder to cry on type of person but I definitely am someone who lots of other people talk to about stuff. I'm probably not a particularly good listener but I'm a 'doer' and I will always try to suggest things others can do. People do expect me to cope with stuff. And I suppose they always think I'm strong. I use humour a lot to help me cope and it does help (my dad also does this).

But I can see the fear in a few friends' eyes recently and they look panicky at the thought that I might break down or crumble in front of them. So I'm just getting on with it. My best friend knows what it's like - she lost her mum 2 years ago which was awful, and she and I share very similar outlooks. I will just miss her. We grew up together and shared so much. I don't really feel like 'venting' with many of my other friends for some reason.

sorry have to go now. dd2 has just come downstairs with terrible cough. At least this now gives me an excuse to have her in bed with me tonight!

Are you like I was? Does talking about things involve explaining the facts of what happened rather than your feelings about it?

It is really hard to start talking, start trusting that others will support you, catch you when you fall. But they will and it will help you cope.

yep I'm definitely a fact person. so when anyone I know asks me how my dad is, I explain the latest 'installment' followed by 'so that's that really' and 'yeah we're ok, just getting on with it; it's hard but we're ok', etc, etc.

Interestingly I would never dream of saying 'I'm finding it hard to cope'. To one close friend whom I was feeling guilty about not contacting recently I did manage to text her and say 'I'm struggling a bit but bear with me, we'll get together soon'.

It's only dh that'd I'd blart to and say 'I can't do this.' (and only because the stock answer is 'yes you can, it'd awful but we'll be ok in the end')

I do feel very resentful towards some of my friends though which I think is probably unfair of me as they can't help it if they don't know what to say or do. But I don't have the energy to think much about them at the moment; it's like 'meh. ok then' and leave them be for now.

Taking regular CV exercise is a great stress buster as is yoga - are you doing either of these? It would really help

That's interesting Earthstar - I started running again last week after a year's break. I don't do much it's just a chance to get my heart pumping and get some fresh air, but I suddenly felt the need to do it so went out. haven't been able to this past week since dh has been away but he's back now so I can do this when I want to now.

May not be a complete answer to everything, but it's something achievable and I am sure it is very beneficial for mental health, definitely helps me!

I think making an effort to eat healthily also helps, as convenience foods stress out your system and make you tired.

How are you at the moment?

May not be a complete answer to everything, but it's something achievable and I am sure it is very beneficial for mental health, definitely helps me!

I think making an effort to eat healthily also helps, as convenience foods stress out your system and make you tired.

How are you at the moment?

To add to the other suggestions, think of a time when you triumphed against the odds, or really worked hard to achieve something. Look back at what you achieved, and tell yourself what a special person you are.

Thanks. I feel pathetically grateful just to be asked if I'm ok.

I am ok. Just feel more subdued than usual, is how I would describe it. It's sad to see someone that is so capable as my dad to be agreeing with no argument at all that we should do all his washing from now on, which is what happened today when dh went round.

I've been working for most of the day (stuff for work on Monday) and it's kind of helped as I feel like I'm achieving things, even though it's been deathly boring being in all day.

Dh has said he will cook us a nice meal tomorrow night to treat me.

Oh I'm glad I asked twice then !!!

Sounds like your dh is quite supportive - is he your rock or is this straining your relationship?

And how is work, is it helpful to be working and do you have any colleagues you can talk to? My work is stressful and I don't like my job much either - but there is a lot of support that I get from lots of people at work on difficult issues generally. Sometimes you have to take little bits of support from many places instead of finding it all in one place from one person.

Have you been on any more runs? Weird how you suddenly wanted to do it again, maybe your body just knew what would help it?

Hope you are all enjoying the sunshine today, especially your dad