not falling apart, have already fell

[jetcat]

i have no idea how this is going to come out, so please bear with me.

I have long term severe anxiety and depression issues - i recently posted about how panicked i was trying to decide about having a new carer or not.

So now, i am still trying to make a decision on that one. Meantime, i seem to have fallen apart in every aspect of my life. I think the two biggest are my daughter and my sister.

my daughter - aged 13, very hormonal and trying to cope with just starting her periods. Due to having been abused as a child (which ended when i was the same age as daughter is now) i have a great deal of difficulty dealing with such intimate problems. I am aware of this, and trying very hard not to pass my anxieties onto DD, but it is so hard as i keep having flashbacks (twas foster father who abused me, and when i was having my period, he would physically abuse me as he was angry he couldnt do anything else IYSWIM) So the whole area just reminds me of him. To make things worse, DD is really struggling with hers, and a trip to the GP is needed. I am terrified that when we go, and they see my trying to express myself they will see that i am not coping with it. Last time i had to go to docs and try and discuss something i found difficult, they ended up calling the crisis team saying i was suicidal. I wasnt, and am not now.

problem 2 - my sister. She is 1 year older than me, and we spent the early years of our childhood together in care, then we were separated when i couldnt cope with living with a male foster parent in the house. I have had no contact with any other of my birth family since i was about 4 i think (mid 30s now). That was supervised contact with my birth mother. I have never known my birth father, and never wanted to - he isnt even on my birth certificate. But now, thanks to facebook, my sister is in contact with birth father and his entire family, planning a big happy reunion and is pestering me to become involved. I am really struggling with how to say to her that i am not interested. I have been involved with 6 families over the years, non of which have worked, and think that maybe i am just not cut out for it. But she is really domineering, and i really find it difficult to stand my ground with her.

This stems from what happened with our abusive foster father. Basically, i was 13 she was 14. We both told the school, then the police what was happening. They brought foster father to the police station, who obviously denied it. Sister then said that we had made it up (we had just been told that we wouldnt be allowed to return to our family and would be moved to a childrens home). The police then obviously believed sister and foster father, and i was made out to be a crazy vindictive child who was looking for attention. For the next two years, while we were at the same school, it was awful, as the teachers really felt sorry for my sister, while constantly having a go at me. I do understand why she did it, but its not something i have managed to comepletely let go of yet.

Since then, she has told that many stories of what happened and what didnt happen, that even i am not sure of what i believe anymore. for instance, she said that because of the way he raped her she had to have a hysterectomy. She has since had 2 children. It makes me feel really bad that i am not sure of what i believe, as i know how hard it was when i wasnt believed.

{God this is long, so sorry If anyone is still reading, this post is probably typical of where my head is - all over the place, not sure of where to turn. I am feeling so low at the moment, that i dont feel i am doing anything worthwhile. Even a thread where i regularly post has become too scary, as i feel i am simply bothering everyone and dont really fit in (yet no one has made me feel like that, i have managed it on my own)

I dont even know why i am posting - i guess i just needed to offload somewhere

thanks for reading my essay

not really sure what to post but i really feel for you & hope someone comes along with more advice xx

sorry you are going through such a tough time.

in terms of the Dr's appointment - if you think you will feel more able, then it could wait a month or so, see if the next period is better iyswim - i.e I don't think it's absolutely vital from what you have described elswhere for her to be seen immediately iyswim, you could always try NHS Direct if you feel more comfortable talking on phone than face to face (apols if phones are an issue for you and this is not a sensible suggestion)

if you do want to do the DR appointment - do you have coping techniques you can use for anxiety - breathing/drink of water etc? or would it help to have the carer accompany you? not really familiar with your treatment etc, so don't know if you have a good counsellor/psych to bounce this sort of stuff off regularly.

In terms of your sister - I'm very sorry about all the pain you have gone through, and that she contributed to you not being believed about the abuse. I can quite understand why you are not keen to play happy families. I imagine tho you find it hard to stand up to her - would you be able to write a letter to her, would that be easier? I think if you gently say that you are not ready for a family reunion given the previous problems, then she would be unreasonable to push it. Obviously she may still continue being unreasonable, but if you can try "broken record"technique - yes, I take your point, I know it's important to you BUT I don't feel ready right now etc, would that be workable? I appreciate it's very easy for me to say - say this/that and the other, whereas real life can be somewhat tougher than that....

thanks justwhen and TC. I have explained to her a few times now that i dont want to be involved, but she told them all that i just need more time, so i then got messages on FB saying that they would wait for me. I have since deleted my fb profile, as it is not a nice feeling knowing that they know who i am on there (its not my full name so i am not easily found)

I dont have a counsellor at the moment, i did try a cbt one, but i didnt manage to talk about the things i needed to, as i am scared of falling apart, and as it is just me and my 2 girls, i need to try and hold it together.

I think a lot of this has been building for a long time, and has hit me like a tonne of bricks

Ok. this needs to be broken down into various areas. you cant deal with it all in the same way. It is different and composite. the parts making up the big picture but need to be broken down. The connecting cause of all of the issues is the abuse. However, I can not advise on this.

Practically you have rl issues with day to day interactions hence PA. When everything was kicking off with ds last year someone suggested a list of bullet points of what the problem was so that i could give the list to the doc and he could read it. It worked, but then again this doc made me cry virtually everytime i had to see him about ds. To the point where i refused to see him and my mother had a discussion with him over the matter (i had to give permission)

Be clear about the issues.

1. dd is still quite young emotionally and with her other issues probably lacks the ability to handle this right now.
2. Physical problems of the heavy periods.
3. Possible underlying cause of period issues.

The appointment is about her and if you need to remind the doctor that this is the main focus of the matter. Can you have an advocate with you to support you?

Have you taken previous advice about your sis and fb? if need be screen your calls for a while and just stop contact. It will be hard but you need to do what is best for you. And if it is in your best interests not to get involved dont.

Re the past, it sounds like your sis was also damaged by the event and has her own issues step away from them you cant understand them, you cant change them. You need some help to deal with your past but have no idea about what. I know that councilling is not for everyone and that there are different ways to see help. I think that you are very brave in maintaining contact. I know i wouldnt have. I dont have contact with one of my sisters and the reason is far more trivial than yours.

Sorry you have been feeling that way. its not the case though. you have helped us all and we enjoy the chat and support. It would be nice to be able to wave a wand and make it right but we cant. Will be there though if you feel you can chat.

better support given. Hang in there hun x

facebook - oh dear - it's just not the right medium for anything heavy like bringing together families - it should be for fun. sorry you now have had to hide from it, but completely understand why. I imagine that all this family reunion stuff has brought up a lot of bad memories.

hard for me to know what to say about counselling, as I've not had the sort of experiences of abuse that you have. from my own experiences of cbt etc, I think that if you didn't feel you could talk to her about major things troubling for you, then she wasn't the right person for you iyswim if she couldn't build up trust/rapport/confidence. I can't say go off and get a new better one (as apart from the obvious practical aspects!), I honestly don't know whether you are better off trying to tread water at the moment, than go through the past again with somebody new while you feel particularly vulnerable.

Jetcat hi there.

I too have 'found' a whole host of family members on facebook, and I do not know how I feel. You really should stand your ground with your sister - but perhaps tell her that you don't know how you feel yet, and that you need more time, maybe that would stall her until it all goes sour dies down a bit.

I am dreading dd getting to the age I was when I was abused - my heart really, really goes out to you. You have been through an awful lot of pain, I think that you need to heal. I don't know what the best way would be for you, counselling, confiding in friends, I don't know.
I understand the need to hold it together as a mother, and counselling can stir up a lot of feelings before it lays them to rest - but you have to balance that with how you are feeling right now. I got the idea to compare to a spot, if you squeeze it, it's going to hurt like hell, but then it can be cleaned up and start to heal, but if you leave it, you're still going to have a spot that is getting bigger and bigger.
Disclaimer - actually it's better not to squeeze spots, but it illustrates what I mean very well!

jetcat what you have been through is truly terrible. The way you write is composed and honest, not all over the place at all.

It's shocking that vulnerable girls such as you and your sister were exposed to this evil man who should have been thoroughly vetted by the authorities and have acted as a role model for what a real father should be.

Instead you had yet more tragedy heaped upon you. No wonder you are struggling. And this issue with your daughter has brought it to the fore.

There are others on this site who have suffered abuse, in fact there is a support thread for people who have been abused. I'm sure you will find people on there who will help

i think if i can go back to treading water it would be great! This is going to sound daft, but when the cousellor would try the safe place thing, and wanted me to close my eyes, i couldnt even do that, as i felt too vulnerable and unprepared for anything that could happen (though i knew in reality nothing would happen)

DEM - not ignoring your post, just working through it

mamoth, sorry.

hi nemo - sorry we share similar experiences. I think the reason why i am so reluctant is i know it will fall apart - she went 'home' to our birth mother at aged 18 and officially left care. That lasted 3 weeks I stood my ground on that one also, but was in a much better place emotionally then. I dont know if i am good enough of a person to welcome her back with open arms when it does go wrong - she has basically told me that she feels she needs to choose between them and me, and at the moment they are winning. But, she is my family - my entire family. I have her and her two sons - i feel awful that my daughters dont have much of a family (i include myself in that) and that i should try and salvage something from my relationship with my sister.

Getdown - i have seen and read some of that thread. I have even tried to post, but i am scared of saying the wrong thing, or even saying anything at all.

Jetcat the abuse thread is a 'safe space' for us, I don't think that you could say the wrong thing. I hope that you can find a counsellor / someone who you feel comfortable with - this does take time. At first I felt like my counsellor was going to say 'your mum has rung me and I know all about YOU' (my mother worked in healthcare, I saw my counsellor at my Doctors) and it took a long while for that feeling to go. I kept on wondering if she was going to turn round and tell me I was wrong, stupid, unreasonable, and that I should make up with my mother and stepfather (my worst ever nightmare). I guess this is similar to your worries of saying the wrong thing, being disapproved of?

I know what it is like not to be believed too, the worst ever thing that can happen, second only to the abuse itself. This will have left you with issues to do with trust, trusting others and yourself, self worth, whether you 'deserved' the abuse, guilt over causing 'trouble' and of course massive issues over safety and what it means to be safe. Sorry I am rambling now, but I am trying to say that this jumble of confused and painful feelings can be untangled and that you can and will feel better.
You'll have to excuse me, I am on anti biotics and painkillers for an infection right now and I think that's why I'm not making much sense / getting overemotional.
Don't worry about depriving your dd's of 'family,' a family is about quality not quantity. My family is Dh, dd, me and the dog.

Nemo, you are not rambling, you make sense. I agree it is quality not quantity. i have a large family and i chose not to have contact with half of them. I prefer to have family around me who i trust, makes me feel safe and supports my decisions for better or worse. Jet, you do a great things with your kids and you are fab family. A big family is not everything. Dont burn bridges completely if you dont feel you can, but stepping back and becoming less emotionally involved with dsis is one way to go about it. Not easy with some people, i understand. Go find the thread as they will help you more than we can.

Just glad you werent stuck in wallpaper hell.

I don't have any experience of what you have been through and are going through but just had a thought about your DD's issues and your fears of going to the gp and falling apart - could you write down the issues - your abuse etc to explain to the gp that you find it very hard to deal with these matters. Maybe also write down your DD's issues to explain to gp so that you are less panicked and maybe more in control for visit.

DidEinsteinsMum well there is a first time for everything

First, I am so sorry for all the crap you have been through.
I know how it feels to fall apart. I wan tto send you some virtual hugs.

I really think where your sister is concerned, you are the strong one. You have stood your ground. You have some sense of what is right for you, it must be hard watching her repeat the same mistakes (especially when her mistakes affect you too). Keep standing your ground, keep protecting yourself. Keep saying no, it's your right.

How do DD's period problems manifest? I suffered badly from pain and heaviness, and find taking extra nutrients (especially all b vitamins and omega 3,6 &9) help a lot with the emotional side, and seems to reduce pain too. And ibuprofen for the first 2 days helps me get out of bed.
If you need to go to the GP, would it be possible to phone first and explain that this appointment is just about DD?

Jetcat there is an abuse support thread on here if you want to join us

nemo - you sound like you know me so well - you have described exactly how i feel I hope the ABs kick in soon and you feel better

Sazisi - i am trying to be strong, and people keep saying thast i must be, but they dont see me sitting cowering in the corner when i cant deal with things. DD has just had her third period, each one getting heavier than the one before. She had to wear 2 pads, cycling shorts and then her jeans to ensure no leakage She was also quite poorly with it, so am wondering if she needs vitamins. She takes paracetamol, as cant take profen due to kidney problems.

Wst, i do want to join, but am scared i think though i dont actually know what of