am I describing some sort of depression? I am confused also!

[mermaidspurse]

I don't know what to say first. Hello is good I guess. I don't sleep obviously. I lie there mulling the most ridiculous things over. Stupid things from when I was a child, embarassing moments I had forgotten. Gotten over things suddenly all churned up afresh.

Everything is a bit grey, everything is an effort. My house is a mess and I am too heavy and too bleak to tidy it. I am incapable to remembering things when once I had a fantastic memory. I run 2 businesses and do the absolute bare minimum and always at the last possible moment. I just have no energy.

I have a truly fantastic dh who somehow puts up with me and a very precious ds.

I have struggled to cope with recurrent miscarriage losing 5 babies in the last 4 years. Feel that I am losing the battle to keep remotely sane. am worried that somehow my hormones or something has gone wrong in my wiring.

I am not mad in that I can't look at pregnant ladies or coo at babies I can very proudly do all those things, although it has taken time.

sorry I've rambled. I think I need to ask for some kind of medicine, am terrified to admit I am in such a mess. I do have a counciling session at the gps surgery next week. Last time I went she decided because I was a Quaker I took the world on my shoulders it didn't really help tbh.

Am I describing depression? I am terrified to even begin to admit it to myself. Thankyou for reading this.

Well it sounds like you need to talk to someone, and probably not the GP who blames it on your religion, frankly.

I know nothing about depression (am wondering my self if I have it) but you do sound like something's wrong. Certainly things can be better. And you poor thing, you've gone through such a hard time.

Problem with posting in the middle of the night is no-one's around, but I didn't want you to go unanswered.

It does sound like you could be depressed to me, but I'm no expert either but I think 'depression' is a label that covers many different feelings and symptoms. I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you've had a hard time with your pregnancies. That's a lot for anyone to go through and I feel for you. I've had two myself. Depression can be caused by hormones so that factor definitely isn't helping you as your hormones will be all over the place. I find what your GP said to you a little odd and insensative. I know it is hard to stay positive but the fact you say that you have a wonderful DH and DS is a good thing. I found with my 'depression' (not even sure I have it really) is that talking is wonderful therapy in itself, talking on here, talking to my DH, talking to any friends who are willing to listen. If you feel you need extra help then I'd suggest you go back to the GPs (perhaps a different GP) and talk things through. Good luck x

Thank you both of you, it felt better just to blurb it out on here actually. Sorry to confuse it was the councellor who placed me in the carry world on shoulders box. I do tend to ignore myself and worry about others, a lot of peole naturally do so irrespective of any faith they may have.

becky I think I have 'seen' you on some of the mc boards before. Talking and support are invaluable you are right.

You could be depressed but you could also 'simply' be grieving the enormous losses you have had to deal with - no one should lose 5 babies

Grief is a bugger - it takes all your energy and makes you feel so low at times, but it's something you have to get through and out on the other side. Pills don't help.

Sometimes society doesn't make enough space for the grief around miscarriages. You can have another one and all that toss. I've never had one but I nearly lost my ds after birth and cannot imagine it's hugely different.

From what you write I cannot tell which is which, certainly because I'm not qualified to make any sort of diagnosis. Just wanted to mention the possiblity of grief rather than clinical depression.

You need to see a GP rather than ask on the internet but you know that.

But some of what you describe does sound like me and I have clinical depression.

My world is often grey, I feel like most of my life is like trudgung through treacle. My house would be a mess if dp did not reduce his working hours so he could support me and run the house. I never sleep normally. For most of the year I sleep about 3 hours a night, but will then swing to sleeping 12 hours plus and still being tired. If dp was not there I wonder if I would get up at all.

I am a last minute person as well, but I am not sure if that is depression. But the not having the energy to do things when you know you should could be.

Insomnia is due to too little seratonin in the brain and is therefore linked with clinical depression. Talk to your GP. How you are feeling is probably linked to your sad losses and on one hand is a natural reaction but on the other could be described as depression. I expect the line between one and the other depends on you and how you feel your mood is affecting other areas of your life and how long you have been feeling like this. It may lift naturally with time or it may need a helping hand. Have you had any grief councelling?