is it me or him? whats going on I'm really worried. what shall I do now?

[dreamylady]

DP and I are having so many disagreements at the moment. We have a complicated history and lots of changes going on but the bottom line is, he feels like I'm always having a go at him, I think I'm just being honest about what I want and how I feel.

Last straw was last night, he got in a bit later than usual (not really late, about 7pm) having texted me about 5pm to see if i was doing anything later and would it be Ok to go for a drink. I didn't see his text until nearly 7 as was doing tea and putting DD to bed. I was due to go out for a regular wednesday night thing (which he'd obviously forgotten about) at about 20 past seven, and hadn't made tea yet and was going to have to go without it bcs of him not being around to help. So when he got in I was a bit frosty, and also asked him if he could call me next time as i didn't get his text.

He was really pissed off and has been angry about it since then. I found a dent in the wall where he punched it after I went out. he says he's sick of trying to do things but it not being good enough so he's decided not to even bother trying any more.

I'm really We haven't even been able to talk about it - i wanted to tonight but he went for drinks after work again until about 8 so I thought it was probably best not to broach it. We're usually able to talk things through and this - to me - seems not a clear cut case of me being in the wrong so why's he avoiding it? I'm worried he thinks its all over

Am I really nagging him too much or is he a bit unstable (We've often talked about his argumentativeness / agressive conversation style/ general grumpiness and tetchiness, which I know I don't imagine because other people - including his mum and ex girlfriend - comment on)Weve also talked about me being over sensitive too which i think is true.

but i don't know what to do now - be assertive and stand up for what i think is right? or try to soothe the situation? or just leave him to talk to me when he's ready? or what.

please help if you can advise I'm feeling so sad and worried. especially for our DD who's been through enough already in her little life.

This is not about what he should do or what you should do but what you should do together. Looks like you would really benefit from some session at relate or similar and work through the effect that your reactions have on each other.

He thinks he's being thoughtful checking with you before committing to a drink
For you a text doesn't work so you get a bit upset
He thinks he's trying to do the right thing
You think he just doesn't get it
he thinks he can never do it right

It's a classic and it is not necessary. You can help each other see what you need and how you can take care of things together.

If this sounds awfully patronising I've done it wrong - but dh and I are both from difficult backgrounds and both are oversensitive and I used to blow up sometimes more agressively than I wanted to
so I know where you are coming from.

thanks survive - we have done some relate sessions in the past and they were helpful - and i'm currently seeing a therapist on my own and learning a lot - but one of the things i'm learning is to be less of a martyr and stand up for myself - I think it unsettles him. He knows he has anger issues (he had quite a misogynistic and aggressive father) and has said a couple of times he'd go to therapy - but never followed it up. which is why i went myself - so i could cope better with his aggressiveness (not physically threatening but upsetting to me cos I am sensitive.

maybe we'll try relate again.

If you are learning ot stand up for yourself he will feel threatened by that and he needs to adjust. Relationships are all about balance so if you change he has to change too.

We have a similar issue in that I had some typical abused child traits (always putting the fault with myself and being unable to see DH as less than perfect) which I'm now addressing. DH is somewhat bemused that I think it is good that I can now see his flaws and sometimes think he is a total and utter sod but still love him. Revelation for me - minefield for him!

wow just revisited and seen this willsurvive! I am the opposite to you, always finding fault! but more 'abandonment' than abuse issues in my case, and i tend to go down the passive / aggressive and avoidant route - so being challenged was/is new for him. I have learnt to find somewhere in between doormat and aggressive (i think) but its taking time and lots of practise!!
Hope your DH has adjusted now and things are smoother - these things take time....