can someone please talk to me about self harm

[memoo]

Before I say this I must say that there is no way I am ever going to do anything to hurt myself.

Just really need to get this out although I have touched on it in previous posts.

I can't stop obsessing about getting a big knife and plunging it into my stomach. Right in the place where its constantly churning because of the relentless anxiety. right where the pain is.

I am not going to do it but somehow acknowledging it like this helps.

Its like I want to let out a really big scream and at the same time stab myself over and over. I can really hear the way it would sound as the knife cut through my skin.

I should have name changed for this but don't want anyone to think i am trolling.

I don't know what to do with this thought, how to make it stop.

the urge is so overwhelming and I really feel like if i did it I would feel better and the pain would stop

I am so fucked up its not true. how the hell do i ever come back from this

have poured a big glass of red wine now, hopefully will send me to sleep

that sounds really distressing, hope you feel a bit better today?

have no personal, direct experience of self harm but my daughter has had a long struggle with it - in her case think she is quite alexithymic, that link might be of interest to you. It's not a condition, just a personality trait but as well as being behind a lot of self harm impulses it does seem to be a factor in many of cases of depression or eating disorders or anxiety/panic problems.

sorry if that is not pertinent, just a passing thought. Do you know what sort of thoughts/feelings come before your mind is flooded with those horrible images?

Not feeling a whole lot better today, The thoughts aren't a bad but feel really down. slept ok after a few glasses of wine. Have taken a valium this morning but think I might need to go and take another as its not really done much to help.

Its so hard to explain how I feel before I have these thoughts. Its a mixture of anger with myself and extreme anxiety. The pressure builds up inside me and I don't know how to let it out. The pain inside me gets so bad I think I'm going to die.

I'm sorry about your daughter, I will have a read of that link. Thanks for replying!

It's the pressure building up that gives you these thoughts I think. Pressure cooker style, it needs to go somewhere. I have it in a different way: I push down 'big' feelings/emotions and problems then end up lying awake all night because I think the spot on my ds's back is chickenpox and he won't be able to go to nursery and I can't take time off work right now and and and.

Can you talk when you get so anxious? Post on here, call someone? Don't worry if you can't explain how you are feeling just say I'm feeling really really bad right now and I need someone.

Memoo, that sounds really distressing for you to feel like this. Have you sen anyone before and talked about it because there is support for you. Why not try your GP for a referral to someone who could help you find strategies to cope with your anxiety and feelings.

I don't know why I get so anxious, I think it is definately a build up of fears and worries.

I feel like I can't cope with life the same way as others do. Simple things are so hard, and I am constantly worrying about the kids. Every time the baby crys I am thinking whats wrong with her, I don't know what to do, what if she doesn't stop, what if there is something wrong with her, and these thoughts just go round and round until I can't bare it anymore.

then I have all these other things rushing round, I need to do laundry, sort stuff for tea, get showered take ds to hairdressers after school. God thete is so much I can't stand it, I want it all to stop.

I am being treated for this Mackerel, Am currently on AD's, propanolol and Diazepam. Not really working though so GP has refered me to a psyhchitrist

Sounds like a referral to a psychitarist and your local CMHT might me a good move, Memoo. good luck with it.

Just wanted to add, you are not the only person who feels like this. I self-harmed occasionally when I was younger (teens/early twenties). I haven't felt that urge since until a couple of weeks ago. It's an overwhelming powerful feeling and I know it's because I have a lot of stress at the moment.

I am currently seeing a therapist and this brings up (and resolves) a lot of the feelings I have been ignoring or dealing with through general risky behaviour. My therapist said I should be proud of myself for not giving in to the urges and so should you. However, it sounds very tough and I suggest you go back to your GP and explain how you are feeling. You might need some psych help a bit quicker.

One thing that might help is writing down what thoughts or images are going through your mind just before or during these feelings. It might help you identify some of the triggers.

Just wanted to add Memo, I suffer really badly from sh at the moment, one think that helps me is to have a list of distractions written when I had a good hour and a box of stuff.

Drawing seems to help me just now, I also break the time down into blocks and plan how I will get through that block then the next block.

Sorry, I meant a box of distractions so a dvd, chocolate, pad of paper, nail polish anything that will keep me busy but distract too.