cried myself to sleep

[MathsMadMummy]

which isn't easy when you're BFing at the same time!!!

don't even have the energy to type everything, long story short(ish) I've started feeling bad again. background - long history of depression but not severe since I met DH 8 yrs ago. moderate PND a few months after DD (now 2.9) was born, exacerbated by winter which always brings me down. was on meds for a few months

moved town and after another rubbish winter, finally made some mummy friends and got over the shyness. DS born in august 09

been to the dr a few times due to feeling bad, agreed to stay off meds, just need to get out more, but I find it so so difficult with 2. DD is generally pretty well behaved but I still feel I can't cope. DH keeps telling me I need to make myself go out but TBH he doesn't understand, he doesn't have to cope with both of them as DS is still BFing an awful lot (obviously he'll take them both when he can).

just feel trapped in the house and the house is an awful state, as am I. find it really difficult to DO anything, must look really lazy but it's more like feeling paralysed and stuck with my thoughts IYSWIM. no intention of making myself look nice, was doing well losing PG weight but not anymore. I just want to stay in PJs all day

we're so stressed, DH desperately wants to help me but his new job has got him so tired that it's about all we can do to have dinner get DD to bed on time (DS still feeds til 11pm and then cosleeps). his job is really draining him, he likes it and worked hard for it but he's not getting enough support from me.

there's loads of stuff we need to get sorted, getting into a routine etc but just too tired to start it, it's all getting worse by the day. we love each other so much, I'm lucky to have him but we're not able to enjoy life at all.

I'd been planning on saying I'm not depressed, more just stuck in a rut, but actually now I've written it down I guess I am.

Oh crap I've failed again

am I always going to feel like this? I'm scared I'll never enjoy being a mummy properly and DCs will remember me as being sad and not playing with them enough. I can't imagine being happy and enjoying life properly ATM

sorry for long rant you deserve a medal if you read it!

i think you sound depressed.
would you think going to gp maybe another doc this time and get some ad's?
they may give you the first kick to go out and do stuff.
best wishes.

Poor you . Where to begin.........not a great combination depression and kids!! As normal us moms are hardest on ourselves, we try to (and have to) be all things to all people....

The thing is when the kids are as young as yours are it is so physically demanding that there is little time left for you to take care of you. Of course you havent failed...what is it with matters of the mind that make people think theyve failed. i'm of the mindset that if the meds help you and theres no real side effects TAKE THEM!

Don't be so hard on yourself....i know it feels like it but this period of BF etc really won't last forever.

Glad DH job is good, but there is nothing harder than lookin after 2 small kids....

As i said give yourself a break and go back to docs.............and remember you are not alone

thanks both. nice to know somebody's reading - don't tend to open up to people in RL, other than DH.

I know I know I haven't failed really, it's not my fault... unfortunately the brain and the heart don't always have the same opinion IYSWIM.

Will have a good think about meds, fairly restricted as to what I can take but I probably can't risk leaving it much longer. Spring arriving has helped a bit, but not as much as I hoped. Mostly I just need a break

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand breathe.

just an after thought my ds suffers with SAD, we got a lamp....it helps xx

we got one as well this winter. never been diagnosed with SAD, although I usually feel worse in the winter. it's quite good, quite difficult to sit in front of it for 1hr straight with the DCs to look after but hopefully next winter it'll be easier!

op please don't say you have failed,because you havn't.You have taken the big and brave step of admitting that you are unwell, and need some help, as we all do from time to time.I realise that you are breastfeeding,so the answer is perhaps not ad tablets.Why don't you visit your gp and get a referal to a psycotherapist.If there is a waiting list make some enquiries about private treatment.although expensive it would be money very well spent.I have a friend who saw one for ocd issues and was feeling so much better after just a few sessions.Remember sleep depravity is so bad for low mood,try to get as much rest as possible,treat yourself to some nice chamomile tea, or hot chocolate.Don't be hard on yourself,the spring is hopefully on its way,you will be able to get out more.Also perhaps get a blood test as you may be low on b vitamins and iron which makes you feel crap.Hope you feel a bit better,Know it sounds corny but watch some comedy try and laugh, this lowness will pass it is just a matter of time.

Getting out of the house daily I found definitely helps, is there a local playgroup which your dd could go to for a few hours either in the morning or afternoon. This would make sure you all got out of the house during the day and your dd would have an activity and you could have some time with just ds and get stuff done. If you have a surestart centre near you enquire there or your HV should have some contacts

MathsMadMummy I have nothing much to add to what other posters have said, I just wanted to say that depression is not your fault, it is not a choice you made, and therefore is not a 'failure' of yours. Please don't blame yourself!