My DP doesn't "get" depression...

[BlackSpiders]

... and I'm off to the doctor this afternoon to finally seek some help.

DD is nearly 15 months old and I've been feeling gradually worse and worse since she was around three months old. When I first started feeling low I mentioned to him that I thought I may have PND. He got really angry and generally was so not understanding that I ended up backing off and saying I was just having a bad day, upset because I couldn't fit into clothes etc.

Since then though things haven't improved, it's to the point now where I cannot bear to leave the house unless I am forced (ie to go to work), but even that's getting difficult. Relationships are suffering, work is suffering, DD is suffering. OH is suffering but that, unfortunately, is the price he has to pay for not being supportive over this.

I don't want comments telling me he's an arse, he's wonderful in other ways, he just doesn't get it at all - "if it's not cancer then there's no reason to wallow". He doesn't do grey areas. I KNOW he's being an arse, I don't need validation of that, and telling me he is will not help me at this present time.

I'm not sure if it's lingering PND or just D. I'm not sure it matters, I just know that to be sitting here in tears at the prospect of going to Tesco is not normal.

I don't know what I'm going to say to him once I've been to see the doctor - things will be set in motion and I just can't cope with any comments from him. He's just been back for lunch and harped on about how I should take DD for a walk, it's such a lovely day - yes, I KNOW it's a lovely day, I can see that through the window, and I wish I could find the push I need to go out but I don't want to see people, they all seem so unfriendly going about their business and I just feel really hostile towards them. I just want to hide in the house. Does that make sense? And the more he harps on, the more I feel like a failure and the less I feel able to do. We used to be so outsidey - walkers, cyclists - now I can't even bring myself to go for a walk on the beach which is metres from our house. Christ, I struggle to get myself into the shower most days.

I hope this makes sense to somebody.

Oh you poor love - I know exactly how you feel. I too have suffered from anxiety an depression and have felt exactly like you describe but my first episode cam after my children had grown up - god knows how I would cope with a baby to care for too. I know exactly what you mean about the bloody sun shining and everyone thinking it will make you feel better, when it actually makes you feel worse, because everyone else is looking happy. I recall people smiling at me in the park at this time of year when the first spring sun came and I wanted to kill them!

Yes your OH is being an arse but I agree that going on about this is not going to help you. However somehow or other he has to be able to accept that you are ill - mental illness is no different from physical illness except it's worse in my view. BUT at the moment you need help for yourself and can't do much about his attitude. Is there anyone else close to you who could explain to him that you are having a very tough time and need support.

Hope the GP is helpful...........come back and let us know how you got on.

You have to believe this will pass in time and there will be brighter times ahead......

Unfortunately for you, this lack of understanding about mental health does not "snap you out of it" - it only exacerbates your problem. What you really need to get better is support, not someone to get angry and run away.

What do you think he is scared of?

It does sound like you are suffering with depression. You are right that hiding in the house and crying all the time are not normal (although I should point out that I often cry at the thought of going to Tesco).

You also seem to lack enjoyment or interest in things you used to enjoy e.g. cycling, walking etc.

You should go the the doctor, whether you have OH support or not. You need help and it is in all your best interests (including him) for you to get it. Is there a friend you could take along for moral support instead?

once you have spoken to your GP and agreed betwen you that it is PND/depression, could you then speak to your GP about how your partner doesnt understand and is making it even harder for you to cope. Perhaps the GP will make a follow up appt for you and DP to go to together to chat to you both about depression and the ways that you will need support and who from etc.
Good luck for your appt x

Hi, thanks for your messages.

I went to the GP, must say it was very difficult - won't dwell though. GP wants me to go to see a psychologist - fine by me - and prescribed me low dosage medications - Sertraline 50mg for a month.

DP doesn't know. I think I will keep it that way.

However, in the meantime he has said he doesn't know what to do or say when I am as upset as I have been. He says he feels like he is treading on eggshells and can't get comfortable in case I snap his head off. I said I am sorry but I can't pretend to be happy for everybody else's benefit!

He arranged babysitters tonight and dragged me out for a drink. I was terrified at the thought but actually really enjoyed it , it felt a bit like the old "us". Bumped into a friend which was quite difficult, tried to be normal but it just felt awkward.

I feel out of place in the world at the mo, but feel like I've taken the first steps to restoring equilibrium.

I really appreciate that you've taken time to reply to my post - thank you.

DH finds it hard to understand too and it gets hard to remind him why I just cannot do X/Y/Z. I have had it for years now though. There is some good websites if you have a google about living with someone with depression - from time to time, even now, I have to sit my DH down to read through them and remind him in a way this is a Physical illness (I see it as that - something physically is going abit wrong chemically/hormonally or whatever and it has real physical consequences) and there are alot of things we can do together to make it as 'better' as we can, but, at least for now, it's something we have to live with and the times when he doesn't understand puts me under so much pressure that I take about 10 steps back. I will try and find some of the sites I have read - you need to remember this is a 'valid' illness - you wouldn't keep the fact you saw your GP and got medication from your DP if it was flu (I presume). Remember, baby steps Focus on what you do do, not what you aren't. I even did star charts for myself for the most basic of things (shower, brush teeth etc. )