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Mental health

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Original poster

Is it really all my fault?

21 replies

sososelfish · 17/03/2010 12:16

Posted in here and relationships as not sure where to go.

DH has suffered with depression for years. I have always tried to be patient and calm and help him in any way that I can. We now have a 4mo DS and my ability to support him is waning. I feel like I do not have enough to look after our child and him. He is no longer on ADs and thinks that the depression has gone. He wakes up angry, has no interest in DS or me, is selfish, his own first priority and is bitter about the fact that I am at home on mat leave. He has forbidden me to see friends during the day saying that my role is to look after DS and keep the house, however his standards of how clean he wants the house are constantly changing and I feel I cannot keep up. I am so lonely and feel like I am losing the ability to cope. I have asked him to go back to the GP but he says that the only reason he is so stressed and angry is because I don't keep the house clean enough (the house is like a showhome but is never good enough). I don't know how much longer I can take all the blame and keep doing more and more to try to make him happy. I cried all night last night thinking back to when I was pregnant and how excited and full of hope we both were. It has all gone so wrong. What do I do?

OP posts:

justallovertheplace · 17/03/2010 12:18

Get rid. Depression is no excuse to behave like this towards you

willsurvivethis · 17/03/2010 12:21

He is abusive

Not a nice thing to hear and probably hard to accept but at the moment you are being abused and you need ot protect yourself and your ds.

Based on what you say it is not your fault at all.

Ilovehotchoc · 17/03/2010 12:23

Poor you, it must be awful to have to live like that. What was he like before you had your baby? Why did he come off the ADs?

Original poster

sososelfish · 17/03/2010 12:23

Sorry, should have made myself clearer. Want some advice on how I can help him. He is a wonderful man going through a hard time and I need to know how to keep positive with some suggestions on being proactive about changing the situation. Thanks.

OP posts:

MrsSawdust · 17/03/2010 12:32

He has to want to help himself. He is in denial of his illness right now. You can't help him at all unless he acknowledges the problem.

All you can do is look after yourself and your ds. Stop running rings around yourself to keep dh happy. Start enjoying your mat leave properly (including meeting friends fgs) as it all goes by too quickly anyway.

So sorry you're going through this

Original poster

sososelfish · 17/03/2010 12:37

Ilovehotchoc, he came off the ADs because he was excited about the baby, think he had unrealistic expectations about how lovely a baby was going to be (he is lovely but cries and poos and wakes at night like any other baby) and how me being at home would take the housework away from being shared giving him more free time. I want to support him but feel like my reserves are running out. Fed up of being made to feel like a failure. It is exhausting.

OP posts:

Bucharest · 17/03/2010 12:43

Sorry, but he is not a wonderful man who is going through a hard time. He is a man who is abusing you.

The only way you can help him is to give him an ultimatum to stop treating you like a piece of shit. Get him back to the GP and back on his medication. Speak to the GP yourself. Speak to his family. Speak to your family and your real life friends.

You are not a failure, your baby doesn't think you are.

The only thing being failed at the moment is you, by your husband.

Mental illness is a terrible thing, but as a wise MNer said on another thread recently, we really have to stop allowing it to be an excuse for the inexcusable.

justallovertheplace · 17/03/2010 12:43

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but it sounds to me that he just doesn't like the realities of life with a baby and is using depression as an excuse to treat you like shit. Why on earth would he assume that he would have more free time?!

EldritchCleaver · 17/03/2010 12:46

Sos,
posted on your other thread-have a look. I was a lot more circumspect than people on here but broadly I agree-this isn't illness, it's nastiness.

MrsSawdust · 17/03/2010 12:46

He thought that after the baby was born he would have more free time???????

Look, you have a 4mo baby to care for and that is a huge and massively important job. You really can't be expected to be a rock of support for your H too, especially when he is being so utterly unreasonable.

I know you say it's the illness making him act this way, but quite honestly, I don't think I could be with a man who was this selfish / controlling / unsupportive.

Original poster

sososelfish · 17/03/2010 13:26

I am so confused. In some ways, I think he is right as the baby does sleep through most nights and naps well so I do have a lot of baby-free time. I am working harder now than ever I did at work, however know I am still not working as hard as him.

Have phoned the GP to make an appointment and called him at work to tell him he is going. He said ok. have also written down some suggestions on how to ease his stress while pointing out that my main priority is baby. I am refusing to take the blame anymore but will still help in any way I can.

I think there may be other things, maybe verging on OCD, not trying to make light of ocd at all, just with his obsession with clean and tidy and routine. It is not flicking lightbulbs on and off or anything superstitious, but something is not right. Mabe if he hears something from a professional it will force him to address the problems.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 17/03/2010 14:04

so you at home with a baby and you "not allowed to see friends??"

how is that his "depression"?

sorri but agree with those saying he is abusive - he may well be depressed as well - it is hard to work out what is illness and what isnt - when you int he thick of it and they telling you you need to support them and thier illness....it took me a long time to work it out with my exP....

you are not being selfish - he is...

Bucharest · 17/03/2010 16:05

He may well have OCD, still doesn't excuse his treatment of you.
Keep talking to us, and please don't play down/underestimate what is going on here.
Hope he makes it to the doctor.

jayjayp · 17/03/2010 16:18

hi this sounds to me like this is an abusive relationship, deppression is no excuse for his behaviour, even if hes not physically abusive towards you and the kids this controlling behavior still is abuse and you dont deserve to be treated this way, also your kids shouldnt be seeing you being undermined by your partner it gives them a warped idea of how to treat women or how to behave as a woman when they grow up, you are at risk of becoming depressed yourself i know its hard but you should seek help from friend or family member independently of him. hope this helps**

snowkitten · 17/03/2010 17:04

he is a twat - I should know, I'm married to one myself

SarahMumtoAlex · 17/03/2010 17:11

I hope you get the support that you need with this. Just to underline what others have said about needing to see friends.

Its not a luxury.

the friends and support that you set up while you are on Mat leave will be absolutely crucial to your ability to be a good parent when you go back to work - which is why they set up 'first time mums' etc. I absolutely rely on my friends for advice, childcare, a shoulder to cry on, and a reality check every week of the year.

willsurvivethis · 17/03/2010 17:49

I read your post out to my (depressed) dh and his jaw dropped and by the 'not allowed to see friends' he was cross with your dp and wanted to tell you that you can only look after him if you look after yourself.

EggyAllenPoe · 17/03/2010 18:03

maye you need to take a different approach and tell him his attempt to control you is part of his illness - why shouldn't you see friends? jsut becuase he dosn't? not a good reason.

you have mat leave to look after a baby - that doesn't make him your boss - the fact he is trying to task-master you shows he is not well at all, and a bully with it.

relationships aren't a competition as to who works harder - he may work hard, he may have to - but if you don't, why the hell should you? I fear he is jealous becuase he perceives you having more fun than him - that is not a loving way for him to be, i is part of his illness - but also it is being a twat.

agree with other posters who say you need to look after yourself - and disregard his unreasonable requests. He needs to get help -
if you stick around to see him through it is up to you, but certainly don't take any more nonsense. You will end up being dragged down with him - losing your perception of what 'normal' is as you buy into his version of reality and lame yourself for everything.

jayjayp · 18/03/2010 13:15

hi there soso, how are you today did the mners advice help you at all yesterday? was little worried about you as i went thru similar myself some while ago, remember that you are not selfish and you deserve to be happy lolXXX

Original poster

sososelfish · 19/03/2010 10:23

Thank you. He is back on ADs and has some info on CBT. I feel like a complete failure for not being able to make him happy, even by giving him a baby. Surely he should be happy with his little family? Anyway, maybe things are on the up now.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 19/03/2010 12:39

i know what you mean - but you cannot make someone happy. you ahd a baby together - he finds it overwhelming in some ways. might not make logical sense, but is his response...

it is something only they have control over and responsibility for.

i used to try everything - arrange weekends away, nights out, managed to produce a third child who had no problems at all (unlike first two) etc...but my exP still wasnt happy . never was never will be. unless he does something to address his own issues...

ok sometimes it may be true clinical depression - but even then there is help and treatment out there. and if it is an illness then nothing or very little you can do will change it...they have to seek their treatment - or, conversely let you know what will help or not (without turning it into "do this to make me happy or else" - and clearly you cannot take away the baby...)

when we say "so and so makes me feel really happy" - we are feeling good because of who they are or what they have done - but we could still be happy even if they havent done x or y... our own happiness is not wholly dependent on another person. if we make it that way we sell ourselves short...

so - the other way round - we as individuals cannot make someone else happy - what we do impacts on them for sure, but they chose how to respond....

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