I have never really enjoyed being in the here and now

[FabIsDoingPrettyWell]

I am always wishing my life away. Wanting to get to the next stage, to something else.

I remember being about 12 and absolutely hating the foster home I was in and just wishing so much I could be somewhere else.

I am not happy in this house - I really really want to move.

I am actually scared to be happy and enjoy the moment. It scares me so rather than enjoy the moment I make myself move on and think about something else which isn't so good.

I had some placements where I was very happy and I was moved - never ever my choice.

I am just so at the moment and bloody fed up with myself.

Fab I do feel for you but there does seem to at least be some basis for your feelings. I also feel the same as you but hate myself even more as I should have no reason to feel like this. I have a fab dh & 3 gorgeous girls & what I remember to be an ok upbringing. BUT i'm not happy and keep on thinking that next week, month or year will be better. I do not seem to be able to relax enough to enjoy the present.

Fab I think we have a lot in common for me even when things are good im waiting for the bad to happen - maybe we are just what circumstances made us be?.

It really is but I am meant to have some kind of self control. Some things I do I know are bad ideas or are going to hurt me but I do them anyway. Hurt myself before someone else does syndrome.

Fab remember we talked about our attachment problems - wondering if this is part of it too because I have it too - a lot less since therapy though. I am really learning to be 'in the moment' when playing with my son, being out and about with dh and ds, spending time with good friends - I have to tell myself almost out loud NO I am HERE now and that's where I want to be.

I think because so many things were so blardy horrid - including the sexual abuse I suffered from 7-10yrs I just kept looking forward to a different better place.

A few weeks ago I went back to my home country and talked to the police about reporting the man who abused me and the stress of that was such that I lost track of the days and weeks and was already living the event weeks beforehand totally ignoring the present.

I am having to deal with some things that happened a long time ago which has meant I have been thinking about certain people and that has caused me confusion, upset, stress and pain and it all just needs to be over.

I am sorry for what you have been through wst.

I know just what you mean .

Fab - I don't know if this is any use to you, but the therapy I am undergoing at the moment is related to this.

About learning to be in the moment in a non-threatening way, I'm finding it hard but when I do it, immensely helpful!

Thanks weegiemum - I am about to leave to take the kids to school so I will look at your link later.

nickschick If you want to talk you can CAT me.

One blast from the past has just been dealt with - for now anyway as I am under no illusions it will stay that way. It is in an impossible to separate way linked to some major stuff so there is no choice really. I just have to find a way to deal with it better.

Have a good day everyone - or try.