Feeling so ashamed with PND

[FleeBee]

My doctor today has suggested that I'm suffering with PND. It's been a culmination of things but today he had a long, and very kind chat and told me he thought I was depressed.

I feel so ashamed now, I've 2 wonderful DC who are aged 2.2 and 9 months, I've got a fabulous DH, who is a massive help, I'm a SAHM and I've got some lovely friends but just feel so down. There are thousands of women who have much tougher lives than me. My DC have been suffing with bugs and virus for the last month and it's wiped me out, I'm too tired to leave the house, I just feel in a fog with no end. I thought I was doing OK I love my children and I'm so blessed but can't get it together

My doc has prescribed some medication but I've left the prescription in my handbag I'm too scared I think to take it to the chemist and can't tell my husband who keeps telling me to pull myself together and cheer up. My mum is great, but she's very much from the buck-up and pull yourself together school of parenting, I don't have any other family.

My friends who I met when I had my first DC are great and as I was the first to have a second child they all remarked how well I was coping and now 3 of them or pregnant and one just had DS2 at the weekend I can't bare to tell them this has happend to me. And espcially can't confide in the mums-to-be it wouldn't be fair. I feel a fraud.

I don't know anyone who has, or has had PND I just feel so pathetic and unworthy to have my brilliant kids and life and to be unhappy.

What MadamDeathstare said is right - depression isn't always just about crap happening which makes you feel low. It can be a chemical imbalance in the brain, and childbirth can bring this on because of everything that happens with your hormones.

This happened to me. I had no reason to be depressed. Happy marriage, much wanted baby, decent home, no money worries, support from parents etc. etc. yet I still got dangerously depressed. I couldn't explain it! People would say "oh come on, look at all the great things you have!" and it would just make me feel so terribly terribly guilty.

Yes depression can be caused by external factors but in some cases it is a physical illness. I know it was for me.

The ADs did help restore that balance.

PND has nothing to do with you having brilliant kids and a nice life. Go and get the pills and start taking them. as others have said you'd take pills for other conditions.

I had pnd and one thing that really helped me was a suggestion from my counsellor. Keep a diary and write what makes you feel good and what makes you feel down. It was often the trivial little things that got me down and by being able to recognise triggers i was able to start addressing them.

i would ask to be referred to a counsellor too

Hi FleeBee,

I could have written your post and I'd really like you to know that you're not on your own.

I feel EXACTLY the same as you. I have two DC's (4.5 and 10 months) and a great DH but we too have been plagued by bugs since October. I am utterly drained and I feel like I'm in a pit with no way out. I feel scared, incredibly anxious and down right miserable.

Things have got really bad this week to the point that my Mum has had to come and stay as I feel like I can't cope. I've now been on antidepresants for seven days so I'm literally counting the days until they kick in.

Going to the GP and finally admiting that I am feeling like I can't carry on has been the hardest thing. But today I saw a glimmer of hope in the fog. It could be the AD's working or could not but my advice would be to take the pills. The sooner you take them the sooner you'll feel better.

Also I know it may be hard but try and tell your DH. I'm sure he will be supportive. Perhaps print out some info for him on PND so he can understand the extent of your illness.

xx

Before I had PND, I was firmly from the "pull yourself together and cheer up love" school of thought. What a twat I was.

Fleebee, you may not know anyone who has had PND in RL, but there are lots of us on MN, and please use us!

You are incredibly strong for looking after your two children, now take a bit of time to look after yourself. Please don't do what I did and carry on trying to be strong and not telling anyone, there are no prizes in life for being a martyr. Get the help you need, whether it is counselling, home help, ADs to get your head above water, friends to chat with... whatever.

Please also keep posting so we can help you, countrylover, and anyone else who will benefit from reading this thread. (I bet there are others in your position lurking).

There is lots of help for PND on the web- try here for example.

Thanks for all the messages, I'm really touched by the support here. I still haven't broached the subject with DH.

I just want to know if this will some how "mark my card"? My GP said I should try and speak to my HV (who is lovely and very approachable) but I don't know what this could mean for me and my DC. I love them very much and wouldn't hurt them at all. I just cry alot.

Also I was made redundant, if I was to seek employment would I have to disclose this to a future employer? I had a medical in my previous position - which was only an office based role.

I will try and read up some more. I just can't believe this is happening I feel that I've let myself and my family down with this and I should cope better with my life.

Having a chat with the health visitor does not mean you are neglecting your children. She would visiting to help you get better.

Mine came today and she actually gave me some good advice (there's a first time for everything).

If yours is lovely and approachable then please please do get her to come round for a visit. You don't have to tell your DH if you don't want to but it will just be such a relief for you to talk to someone.

You are not in any way abnormal for feeling this way although I totally understand where you're coming from as we sound as if we have similar backgrounds. I know sometimes I feel as if I should be grateful for what I've got and not be crying at the drop of a hat. But motherhood is tough and I just want you to know again that you are not alone.

I wouldn't worry about it "marking your card"

A huge percentage of the population suffer from depression at some point in their lives.

I can think of no job / profession that would exclude you on this basis.

My HV said to me "I am not worried about your DD, I can clearly see she is fine. I am worried about you". I am quite quite sure your HV would say the same. If she is lovely and very approachable please do make use of her. She might also be able to recommend other resources than just the ADs: mine put me in touch with a psychotherapy service and later a family psychologist, both local and extremely helpful.

Re. employers. You are getting way ahead of yourself in any case worrying about that sort of thing! Concentrate first on getting well and enjoying your lovely children.

Please do not feel that you are letting your family down. The only way you will be letting anyone down is if you don't seek help for something a) which is very common and b) which will end one day. It's just if you get some help it will end a heck of a lot faster.

Sending un MNetty hugs in your general direction.

I could have written your post!

Have been diagnosed this week with PND. I have a good life and much to be grateful for. My sons are 23 months and 8 months...

Everyone has been telling me how well I have been coping - especially when DS2 was in NICU after he was born, and subsequently admitted to hospital with viruses (twice! Including for 7 nights over Xmas...).

Anyway, I feel as if I have an easy life - a supportive husband, enough money, good friends etc... And my sons are a total joy to me. I almost felt like a fraud going to the doctors, as if she would tell me to snap out of it!

But I have got my tablets and I am taking them. I came to the conclusion it's what I need right now. It won't be for long, just as long as they are needed.

I hope this helps. Also sending unMNetty hugs.

Your post has really identified to me, I've a good life too no worries about security or anything like that. I feel so bad for not being happy.

Please go and get your perscription, I like you have a wonderful husband, good friends and very supportive family and two great children. Something wasn't right, I was crying all the time and snapping at the children, phoning my mum for constant support and reassurance. The tablets have helped so much, I am more balanced now and hardly teary and tend to take things more in my stride. You are not bad for not feeling happy, you just need a little help at the moment.

Hi,

I too have been diagnosed with PND much to my own shock and surprise, having always been one of life's 'copers'. By the time I go back to work I will have had 4months off (I'm a teacher) as I just couldn't fit work into my head. Little un (13months) was very ill and hospitalised over Xmas and then remained unwell at home for a further 3weeks. No sleep and feeling generally overwhelmed (by everything from deciding what to have for dinner to the mountain of washing I always seem to have)left me exhausted. Seeingmy GP really helped-it gave me permission to feel how I was feeling and stop putting on a brave face. The most helpfulthing my GP said was "Children don'tneed perfect parents, they need parents who know how to fix a problem when it arrives, and where to go for help. That way they will be a lot more capable of dealing with life's challenges themselves".
My other advice would be to try and find time for the odd 'duvet day' or afternoon. Get the kids looked after,sod the housework and go to bed for a kip or a read of a good book-it does me the world of good. XX

Thanks for the messages, I've started taking steps to addresss my feeling and it is so much easier knowing I'm not the only one. As was said, having permission to feel low has made me feel a bit better about it... If that makes sense.

I plucked up to speak to DH and he was very dismissive of my feelings, and when I mentioned the medication he was quite horrifed saying "you don't need tablets you're not mental you just need to cheer up." He also didn't agree with PND as our baby is nearly 10 months old. He believes that it is only affects mothers of newborns.

I guess there is a stigma to be seen using anti-depressants? Anyways, I got an appointment with my HV and she came round and had a lovely chat and really boosted my confidence with some practical suggestions and has encouraged me to go back to the GP today to discuss the medication and my feelings about it. She reassured me that feeling low with out me feeling I had good reason to, was perfectly acceptable and not to beat myself up with it. Looking back I'd given birth, moved house and been made redundant all in the space of a few months so perhaps it ws a lot to take on.

My wonderful mum has taken DC today for an overnight stay so hopefully a restful day and a good sleep tonight will really help.

Thanks again for the messages and for letting me know that there is support out there and I'm not alone.

I've just been diagnosed with PND, I have a 3yo and a 5mo, and it started with my baby's sleep problems, thrush for both of us and a string of colds which can be pinpointed to when my husband got made redundant. My HV recognised it and packed me off to the GP, fortunately my DH has been supportive as he knows I have had depression in the past and that my mum is biolar, but he doesn't really understand. I'd been running myself ragged trying to cope with all my problems on less and less sleep "for the sake of my kids" and then realised that my oldest was scared and confused that mummy was so upset and wanted her dad all the time, and that my little one fitted the description of an insecure baby as he was picking up on my stress.

I'm on ADs and I'm feeling much better now I'm into my second week. I felt a bit spacey the first week, but I felt like that before I started the tablets anyway.

It might help if you can take your DH to the doctors with you, although I'm guessing that he's probably reacting out of fear and if you can reassure him that this is what you need to be back to your old self, he'll come around.

Take care of yourself and try to do something selfish at least once a week.

FleeBee- I am like so many on here in that I could have written your post.

I was diagnosed with PND today. I have a 22 month old DD and a 4 week old DD. It's the second time I've had PND and so you'd think I'd know what I was getting into but I'm still utterly devastated baffled and ashamed. I didn't tell my husband until this evening. His response was a totally underwhelming "well, that's not really unexpected." so only marginally more constructive than yours

FWIW I have a RL friend who was not diagnosed with PND until her twins were a year old, so you can get it some time after your children are born. I think you're just borderline until some event pushes you back from the edge or over it.

Don't think that your card will be marked; they are only worried about you, and not your children. And the sooner you start taking the meds, the sooner it will make a difference. You are not alone x