You wouldn't think was me, but I think I am sinking

[shadowofself]

Have name-changed- please don't out me if you recognise me.

I used to suffer from depression badly years ago, but I really thought I'd beaten it. It seems to be creeping back though, and I'm so ashamed. I have a fantastic partner now, who works so hard, and never wallows in anything, and I feel like I'm letting him down, and that he won't really understand.

I don't myself, really. I am a happy, straightforward no-nonsense type of person, but for weeks now I've been spending longer and longer in bed. As soon as I get the kids out, I go and hide- if my partner phones or anyone else does, I do my best to pretend I'm awake and lie about what I'm doing.

I have had health problems for ages which have made me feel unattractive and, well, horrible actually. I have lost two jobs due to the recession, and frankly that has made everything ten times worse. I am shit at being on my own, and not having a structure to my day has left me feeling rather lost. I have a child who needs a lot of care at night due to medical issues, but if I'm honest, I'm tired mostly because I drink too much in the evenings.

I feel like it's an insult almost to my partner for me to be feeling like this, but I sort of wish I could disappear, if I'm honest- I really don't like myself very much like this. He is trying so hard to get us out of the shit financially, but he is struggling himself with debts and bills and arrears. We don't actually live together, but we want to. He can't sell his house though. I can't open my post, I feel so frightened. I don't want to say anything else about money and jobs in case it outs me, but holy crap it is bad.

What do I do? Do I just need an almighty kick up the arse? You wouldn't think this was me if you knew me normally, but I would be embarrassed to tell anybody about how bad I have let this get, because I just want it to be a blip. I'm starting to feel like I can't climb back up though, and I've been in tears for no reason all afternoon.

Tell your partner how you feel, and go to your GP, you obviously are depressed and nreed some help to get through it.

Oh I am so so sorry you are feeling like this. Thinking of you x

• So sorry you are feeling like this as cocolepew says above you need to tell your partner how you are feeling and see your GP. It sounds as though you have been through a shit time and tbh anyone going through two redundancies while caring for a child who needs them up at night is entitled to feel low.

You need some support for yourself - go to your GP and ask for it.

Sending you a very un-MN (((((HUG)))))

Ok shadow..... I am really sorry things are so bad.

I would suggest that you contact citizens advice, and also recommend the Money Expert web site, who can reduce debts with two provisos, it reduces your credit rating (which for some can be a good thing), and if you have debts involving a bank, it might mean changing your bank. But they can reduce debts to almost no interest and a manageable payment and most importantly, talking to them will make you feel back in control.

OK... I sympathise massively re depression, if you are at the brink and offer hugs.

But I suspect you know you NEED to get proactive about it. Give yourself a detox time and don't drink at all. I did that and in a week I felt better, I chose not to drink again, but even if you just have a break it will be a start.

Walk. In the fresh air. Force yourself to.
Give yourself challenges, make a cake, clean the bathroom, do the recycling, simple things but the more you do, the better you will feel about yourself and start to feel motivated and more like yourself again.

Go to the Docs and get an assessment, if you are on meds, do they need changing?

Get mad... you KNOW this isn't you and what right does depression have to mess with your life?

You can climb back up and you've done it once so you can do it again.

I really really urge you to talk to CB or someone, once the money worries lift, other things start to fall into place.

It's OK to cry, but not for too long. Take deep breathes and start a plan of turning things back around.

Thaks everyone. Mitts, I know what you say makes sense- I did make myself go out today, but I felt overwhelmed again once I got back in. But you're right, I need to get into the swing of just keeping busy.

I have tried to talk to DP, but his problems are bigger than mine if anything, and I don't think he understands why I've not been making more effort. I will speak to somebody tomorrow about financial stuff and see if they can help me with some forms and things. I guess I just have to bite the bullet and stop hoping things just go away, because they won't. Proactive. I will try. If I don't feel better after trying some stuff, then I'll think about the GP, I suppose, but I will try and get myself out of this dip first. I just hope tomorrow is better, but I do know I can't let myself slide like this.

Thanks for listening

Your DP doesn't understand because you haven't told him. I've lived with someone with depression and when you see someone every day it is hard to see the gradual changes.

I'm sure he will be supportive and helpful if you tell him how you feel, and explain to thim how hard you are finding things. It's certainly not going ot make things worse.

Oh, and go to the doctor. Do it tomorrow. Even if it's not yet at the stage where you need anything from them it helps to speak to a professional and get onto their radar.

I am going to be bossy too!

Now Mrs, get yourself up, showered and dressed Have some breakfast and then get all your paperwork out.

Put it into some sort of order, credit card bills, bank statements, utility bills. Work through one pile at a time with your phonecalls and tell them that you are struggling and that you either cannot pay them or could you come to some sort of arrangement with reduced payments for the time being. I would suggest if your house is mortgaged you telephone the mortgage company first and advise them of the situation and see if they can give you a mortgage payment holiday.

Thinking of you x