my sister...need help and support. (could be long)

[sparkle09]

i apologise now if i begin to ramble but please bear with me.

my younger sister 19 has moved back to our home town, (where i also live)

we both were brought up by our narcissistic mother and we both have had alot of issues and mental health problems as a result.

i luckily was able to help myself and recover from most of my problems over the last few years, my sister however is much more badly affected by our mother than i am/was.

when my sister was 14 she went to live with our father in the UAE, and we later found out she had started to try some drugs whilst she was there.

when she was 17 she moved back to the uk to go to collage, she was living at a student type home from home place, (i.e - a lady rented her rooms to overseas students) anyway, she started to really struggle mentally, and ended up in hospital after trying to get her self run over on one of the busiest roads in the city.

after she left the hospital she moved in with our uncle and his wife, has has always been very resistant to any form of help for her mental health issues.

she has been in hospital 3 times in 2 years for attempted suicides. had developed a drinking problem and we suspected a possible serious drug habit.

the last time she was in hospital ws september just gone and even then she was resistant to get help. most of the family by now had given up in trying to help her (including me ) after being told lie after lie.

anyway i phoned her last week just to see how she was getting on as i had heard she had moved to a new hostel in the city she lived. only for her to tell me that she was being kicked out of said hostel for bullying and intimidating behaviour. and that because of this she was moving to birmingham (which is about 5 hours away for all her family)

so the thought of her being so vulnerable and so very far away from us, i suggested that she try to move to another city that is closer to me, but not on my doorstep (iykwim)

it then developed to her moving back to our home town and on my doorstep. she was at mine that evening! we have concluded that this is her very last chance to sort herself out with our help and guidence.

we have given her lots of boundries and rules to help her sort herslef out in a structured way, and in return we would need her honesty and to be responsble for her past actions.

well i bloody half wish i never asked for honesty now, as we found out about 6 weeks ago she had tried heroin!

i really know i have done the right thing and i got her out of there just in time, because if i hadnt in 6 months time this could be a whole differant thread id be writing.

but im terrifed for her and i really hope she is truthful when she says whe is ready to be helped and to help herself.

thank you for getting this far, this is such a huge journey im starting with my sister, with alot of justified negitivity from other members of our family. i really hope what ive written makes sense. thank you

What a difficult situation for you and your family sparkle. I agree that you are doing the right thing. If your family don't help you out when you are at your lowest point who will? She clearly needs someone she can trust to help her and hopefully she will return that trust. It will most likely be a very bumpy ride for all of you. Could you maybe attend a group therapy session with her, taking it from the viewpoint of you feeling you still have issues about your mum (even though you dont, just to try and make her feel like she's not the only one with problems)?
It is important for her to know that this, as far as you are concerned, is her last chance, but also for her to know that you desperately want her to turn her life around and be happy.
Don't beat yourself up too much if things don't work out. You are only human and can only do so much. However at least you can get some peace of mind from the fact that you have done everything you could possibly do to help her.
I really hope things work out for your sister, she is very lucky to have your support.
xxx

You are a fab sister - but I have to say this. Be careful about yourself and your own family and set boundaries. She does need to help herself -with your support obviously- and if she doesn't you might have to say 'no more' for your own sake. I hope it doesn't come to that but when heroin gets involved it may...

thank you both for your great replies, you have both said something for me to think about.

tok we have both tried to talk to each other about how we were effected by our mother before and the problem before was that she was still very wrapped up in the bitterness it has left her with and it always ended up with her arguing with me that what she went through was much worse than what i went through...she has very much developed the way of thinking that my black sheep is blacker than yours, iykwim. but once we have got her secondary services and drugs support set up i may explore that road again under a controlled setting.

will survive this luckily my sister still has one friend here that has not either given up on her or would get her into trouble that she is staying there until my sister can get somewhere to live. this means i can help at a distance and we dont drag each other down,

over the last week she has actully done a bot for herself, on the first day i took her around the town to look for jobs which gave her quite alot of hope, and i helped her get sorted with the jobcentre and looking into housing options.

i then kind of left her to it for the rest of the week. in which she has managed to get a trial at a hairdressers for tomorrow and has a contact for a possible room in a shared house. i was very impressed even though to some people it might not seem alot in a week. it is more than she has ever done.

tomorrow im going to see a drug and alcohol support centre alone to seek help and to see if they can help her, then if they can ill send her down.

sorry for rambling again.

she will not get better without any help.
So if you want her to get better, you have to get her help or do it yourself.
agree with TOK, it will be a very bumpy ride, but please stick it out and remember that you got through it, and she deserves that chance.
It sounds like she is making a big effort and you are being very thoughtful and helpful practically. Hopefully this is the luck she needs and combined with your support she can do it!

Hi - offering help and setting boundaries sounds really supportive to her. IF you do not get far with the support centre, would you/her be prepared to go to a gp - to explain that due to childhood family issues she is struggling and in order for her to be stable she needs specific help - and ask for referral for whatever therapies are available?

All the best

does she have a support worker- someone to help support her outwith the family... sounds like she needs one.

at the moment my sister hasnt got an address, so we cant get her into any doctors until she has somewhere of her own to live,(they all ask for proof of address)

until then the drug and alcohol charity will provide her with a support worker and other ways of support that are instantly accessable.
they will also refer her to the local out patient mental health unit without having to wait until she is registered with a doctor.

she done really well at her trial at the hairdressers and has been asked back for a trial day with paying clients next week so fingers crossed that will go well for her.

i asked her last night if she had touched any drugs whilst she has been here and she said no, but has found it really hard.

its still really early days at the moment but things are going really well so far, ive been very impressed with her and it has been relativly (sp) stress free.

has she been to narcotics anonymous/alcoholics anonymous?

sounds like they'd fill a hole in her support network... she needs people who understand addiction from her point of view.