Very worried about elderly neighbour

[AccioPinotGrigio]

We have lived in our current house for a about 6 years. In that time we have come to know our neighbours but in particular the elder gentleman who lives behind us. He has been a very kind and considerate neighbour over the years and we have had some pleasant social occasion with him. Meeting for drinks and so on. He has led a very interesting life and has very progressive attitudes for someone of his age.

He is now around 82 and his mental state appears to be declining and I am worried for him. I have been helping him with some paperwork over the last few weeks to do with a fairly uncomplicated insurance matter so we have been chatting quite a bit. I notice that He is more dishevelled than usual, he is confused andforgetful and prone to paranoia particularly about the police. He also says he has a lot of anger inside him.

Today he has posted a 2 page letter through my door in which he says that he has noticed my current "nasty predicament" and that he is willing to help me "get away" by offering the use of his car to transport my office (I work from home) and clothing to wherever I wish to go. He even offers me a room in his house.

He doesn't state it but it sounds like he believes that my (lovely) dh is abusing me in a DV scenario. There are absolutely no grounds for him to think this and I am worried that this letter is further evidence of his mental decline.

He lives on his own and is, I think, becoming increasingly vulnerable. He drives his car but is constantly being reported for drink driving - he isn't drinking and driving he just appears to be drunk a lot of tthe time. Incoherent speech, unkempt appearance etc. I

I want to help but I don't know (a) what is wrong with him or (b) what to do or who to talk to. Do I talk to SS or Age COncern or our local doctor or what. I really don't want to piss him off or make life difficult for him and I worry that if I contact the authorities this will happen.

Anybody have any thoughts.

Cal your GP surgery and ask them for the tel. no of the local Community Mental Health Team. Call them, ask to be put through to the sevices for Older People

You should be able to speak to a Duty Worker (sort of on-call person who deals with day-to-day enquiries/referrals) and explain your concerns

Poor chap. It does sound like he is unwell in some way and in need of an assessment

It sounds like he MAY (I am not a doctor) be starting to suffer dementia/Alzheimers as all of the symptoms seem to fit.

Have you told him when he seems to have a good moment that you are concerned for him and asked him what he thinks? One of the worst things about early dementia are the moments when you realise something is wrong - it is so isolating and distressing. He may be glad to talk about it

Do you know who his doctor is? If so you could write to the doctor outlining your concerns and asking them to visit. The doctor won't be able to respond to you but that is ok. If not you could indeed ring SS for advice.

I understand that you don't want to pee him off but if his driving is akin to drink driving even if sober it is only a matter of time until he hurts someone in an accident and that you can't allow to happen.

Oh - and when I am old I hope to have a neighbour like you - in fact I would settle for one now

Does he have any family that you know of? Maybe contacting them would be a good first step.

And well done for caring so much.

social services (adult and community services as it is called now) customer line - google it for your area. as an elderly vulnerable adult, they are your best bet to report your concerns to.
CMHT is secondary mental health team, they cannot help anyone without a referral from someone like a gp.

Thanks for your replies. I agree something needs to be done, particularly with regard to his driving.

I have thought about trying to contact his family. He has two children but from what I can gather they don't see much of him. They live at the other end of the country and I get the impression that they wouldn't wish to be involved and that he would not want their involvement.

I need to speak to him about the letter and it may be a good opportunity to ask him if he has any concerns about his health. I must admit the thought of speaking to him about any of it fills me with dread.

Accio - you are right that you must do something as this poor man has to some extent lost touch with reality and is having delusions as outlined in his letter to you. This means that he is mentally ill (I am not a medical person) but have been a social worker for over 30 years and know something of mental health problems, both personally and professionally.

As others say it may be something like dementia or Alzheimers or some other kind of psychotic illness, but whatever it is he needs help. The thing is when people are suffering these kind of illnesses they are not aware of it themselves and so they do not believe they need help. However the mental health services will understand this as part of his condition. I wouldn't worry about referring this man to the GP or mental health services in your area. The important thing is that he gets the help he needs and you are being a truly good neighbour.

When you do talk to him, just keep it low key but take note of his reactions and you might be able to see for yourself that his thinking is affected and that it may not be possible to have an entirely rational conversation with him. BUT please don't shy away from getting him the help he needs.

NanaNina - have only just read your post, literally minutes after speaking to my neighbour. I saw him outside and went down to discuss the letter he posted in this morning.

I thanked him for his concern but reassured him that dh was a gentle and kind man and that he didn't need to worry about my safety.

His response was that you never can tell and he wanted to be sure because abusive men can hide their nature very well. He said he didn't want to over step the mark and then offered his hand and I shook it. I then said that I was concerned about him and hoped he was OK and that if he was troubled about anything he should say so. He just offered his hand again and I shook it and then he joked that I should move my garden wall as it was getting in the way (he parks his car at my back wall). We then went our separate ways.

The conversation was largely rational until the end - which is often how it goes these days. OUr conversations end when he either goes off on a tangent or seems to forget his train of thought and clasps his head, doubles up and laughs.

I spoke to DH who thinks I shouldn't get any further involved in helping our neighbour with anything "as we are not family". I feel he has a point but if we don't do or say something then nobody will and surely that wouldn't be right.

Thanks again for your replies.

I should mention that he was himself a social worker and dealt with cases of domestic violence. I wonder if this is informing his delusion, the one behind the letter to me.

Oh, what a sad situation and how kind of you to notice and care about him. It's difficult because I see your husband's point as well. I personally am someone with "boundary issues" so I never know when helping is the right thing to do or whether its more appropriate to step back a bit because it doesn't concern me.
Sorry, that wasn't very helpful, but I see that you can't very well just sit back and watch him decline.
Is there no way at all to contact his children? At least then you will have done something, regardless of how they react.
Other than that, could you find out what kind of help is available to him: some sort of government support, meals on wheels, or a support worker to pop in(do these things exist?).

Concerns over elderly couple. What do you need to become live-in carer? The carer stopped drinking (again) 3 weeks ago, has their own mental issues and no DBS check.
Couple are in 70s, lady has dementia, gentleman is blind. This person moved in on Monday, surely they should be checked out?