Is self harm always a bad thing?

[SirBoobAlot]

Well is it? Right now it seems to be the only way I can control all the anger, frustration, paranoia, sadness, desperation and everything else that is going on in my head. I am always safe when I SH - I never cut too deep, I clean my cuts and my blades afterwards...

I want to be okay to rake care of DS and I don't know how else to stay on top of my emotions. I hadn't cut for a year up until about a week ago, and its helping me.

I know that its wrong and twisted. But I don't know what else to do. So is it a bad thing if right now its helping me?

Sorry, please ignore the above. I meant to preview it instead of post it. Bad night.

are you seeing any kind of health professional about this? You should really talk to someone in rl about this..

I don't think it's a question of 'good' or 'bad' thing - it's why you are doing it and how that can be healed that is the issue..

what I mean to say is, you need to find something else to replace the cutting first (ie talking therapy), and then gradually work on not feeling the urge to cut at all.

I (think) I know who you were pre name change. Do you have a health visitor you can speak to? iirc you are a past anorexia sufferer? (I only remember as I am too) imo, sh can take many forms, eating disorders being one, cutting being another. What triggers you? Life with a teeny baby can be stressful, but if you can identify a particular trigger it might be helpful. Or do you just feel overwhelmed? I have never cut, but I do know that when I stop eating it is a response to anxiety. And to you sweetheart

It's a bad thing.

In the ranking of bad things you could do, not the worst, but you don't deserve to feel like you need to.

Have a word with your GP.

What has changed recently? Do you know what is making you want to SH?

Oh, SirBoobalot, .

No, it's not wrong or twisted, but a symptom of your distress.

How well are things going for you at the mo? Are you enjoying being a new mum (I know I didn't, certainly not the first time...)? What's the situation with DP and your family? How supported do you feel?

You do not have to answer any of the above (obviously), but I do hope you have somebody in RL you can talk about SH and maybe find a way to explore the reasons for it just now...

If I remember correctly, you did used to see a psychologist? Do you get on well with them?

Oh, I am rambling - take care and look after yourself .
BTW, the slayers miss you...

I see a therapist once a week, and nothing has really changed. If anything, things have been going better than normal (this week has been a bad week admittedly). DS is getting more beautiful by the day, my parents seem to have accepted that I will be continuing to breastfeed whether they like it or not, DP have worked through the issues we were having...

I don't want to talk to my GP - he has said if I am feeling worse I'll need to up my ADs and stop BF, which I know will make me feel even worse mentally.

Justallover - yes am an ED sufferer too.

sirboobalot, the first thing I will say is that you will not have to stop breastfeeding if you are on ADs so your GP has been an arse to tell you that. I am still feeding my ds at 21 months and I am on trazodone which is quite a strong med fro anxiety, and I am OK to breastfeed on it. I know the same is true of citlopram, and most ADs for that matter

Can you see another GP?

Depending on what you are taking, you can take higher doses even when BFing, and as Colin is getting older (how old is he now?) he'll be less and less affected by what small amounts are expressed in your breast milk anyway.

Have you any young-mummy-friends? If your parents are just 'accepting' that you are BFing, that does not sound particularly supportive ...
Do you get out the house, with or without baby? I found I had to get out once a day to not go stircrazy, BFing support group/toddler group was not about BFing or toddler but about getting the fuck out.

Like I said, superficial clean cuts are not the illness, just the symptom of something being wrong.

Hope you have a good night. I'll check back tomorrow .

Hi, SirBoob, how's today treating you?

He's 16 weeks today, and am currently on 40mgs of fluxotine (can't spell for toffee but you get what I mean).

I enjoy the good bits of being a mum - the smiles, the laughs, the development, the cuddles, the feeding. But when he is in a temper, especially when I don't know why, I find it very stressful. Sometimes I find myself thinking "Will you just shut the f*ck up!" when he's crying, and then I feel so guilty afterwards.

Truly, I feel right now that if I wasn't breastfeeding, I would already have ODed again. I know now what I did wrong last time, I know what to take, and how many. And the thought crept into my mind earlier, "Once you've finished feeding, he won't need you any more."

Am trying so hard not to fall back into that place, but I guess a part of me needs to be there in a way - its the only place I really know. And I hate it.

Oh, Erika, he will always need you! Always and forever - don't you forget that.

DS1 almost finished my off, I am not kidding, and I was, oh almost 20 years older than you when I had him. Not that age as such comes into it, but I had had my carefree teens/twenties and thought I was well ready for a baby. It took us 5 years and 3 MCs to make him - and still, like you, there were days I just dispaired.

Please do not think that getting to the end of your tether and exasperated and thinking unkind thoughts about him make you a bad person or mother. Anybody who claims they have never had such thoughts about their children is lying. And yes, some of us take to motherhood more easily and some don't. Some babies are 'easier' and some more 'demanding' 'high need' or whatever you want to call it.

It is v sad that that dark place is the only place you know, and of course familiarity can feel comfortable, dangerously comfortable.. But that does not mean that that place is the only one you will ever know.
Do not waste anymore precious mental energy on feeling guilty either: throw away that stick you are beating yourself up with - every single mother on this planet lives with some degree of guilt and it is a waste of time.

IMO, life with children gets better as they get older. I love my conversations with my big boys now. And yes, sometimes I could positively strangle them - still (like today...).

Do you have any contact with mums your age? I know I've asked before - nevermind if you do not want to answer.

Have phone no for Samaritans next to your phone/in your mobile.

You ARE the centre of Colin's universe, whether you feed him yourself or not. That is a great responsibility and honour and everything else, I know.

IMO (I am not a psychiatrist - have you got one? Apart from your therapist, I mean) you could take 60mg of Fluoxetine daily and still BF. How about a CPN/HV/SW mental health team/mental health crisis team for support?

Pick up the phone and ask for help before you do more than superficial cuts...

SirBoobAlot, I think the honest answer is 'yes'. Self-harm is never a positive thing, is it? But, that isn't to mean or say that you can't choose to do it.

I'm sure that your friend's situation is really playing on your mind, right now. Perhaps that is why you are feeling a bit more vulnerable?

WRT to "Sometimes I find myself thinking "Will you just shut the f*ck up!" when he's crying, and then I feel so guilty afterwards."

Do you know, everyone feels similarly at some point. There is no getting away from the intensity that is so rewarding yet so draining.

Talk to someone in RL. For you, for your boy.

Pacific you made me cry. I want to make everything right and I don't know how. The only way I am used to controlling things is with bleeding. I have to hurt, because I deserve to hurt. My son could have such a better life without me. I love him beyond anything else in this world, and I keep coming back to what everyone said when I was pregnant; maybe I should have put him up for adoption is this is what a useless, worthless mess I am.

Its so self indulgent and I hate that as well. All I have ever wanted is to be normal, and to be loved.

I know some mothers my age from the ante / post natal group, but I wouldn't call them friends. One of the girls that used to bully me goes there too, so its never really a particularly safe or welcoming place.

I do have a psych, and he is very nice. But I am so frightened of being honest with people. I can only write honestly; face to face, if people ask me how I am, my fabulous acting skills come into play, I smile brightly, I laugh and tell them that of course I'm fine, why wouldn't I be? Everything is perfect! Because I have to be perfect. I have to be liked. I can't have people not liking me. Do you know, I apologised to a girl who made my life a fucking nightmare, whos mother attacked me and drove me to the point of suicide, just so she would approve of me. I stopped eating so I was thin enough for people to think I was attractive and want to sleep with me.

I'm rambling and I know it. I'm sorry.

Theres a song called Superman by Sandi Thom, and the chorus rings so true.

I don't want the sun,
Don't want you to run.
Don't want superman,
Don't need wonderland
Just want you to love me.

I need help, don't I? sighs Have just read that through with a more logical head on. I wish it wasn't so difficult to ask for help. I shouldn't feel ashamed of it, but I do, especially now that DS is here. I feel I should be able to hold it together, if not for me, then for him.

I have told DP how I'm feeling now, at least. Will try and find the courage to call the mental health team later on today; I hate phone calls! I have a visit due tomorrow, hopefully they will turn up this time.

Really sorry for being such a freak pain. I really do detest my illness, and I do want to learn to manage it. Thank you to all of you that have taken the time to read my self indulgent ramblings; being able to say this all to someone, even if it is "just" via the internet, even if I don't know any of you, it feels like the beginning of an achievement.

Hi, Erika, I hope you get somewhere with making contact today .

Because you are a decent human being you want to 'do everything right', but believe you me, there is no such thing. You have super-high expectations on yourself, and when you don't meet them (as nobody does) you feel worse about yourself. And well done for speaking to your DP.

Have you ever had CBT? From a distance and without knowing you, it could be just the ticket for you...

Look here for online support if you find it difficult to access in RL - varies from health board to health board how easy it is to get on NHS.

sweetheart, just wanted to send you the hugest hug.... nothing but sympathy from me. you sound like you're having a TOUGH ride.

nothing will change though lovie if you don't tell someone how bad you're feeling. good on you for telling your dp.

i can sadly identify with the need to be liked and the anxiety...and even more, the smiley happy face. tiz hard to keep the pretence up eh? harder though to let someone see whats really going on.

look after yourself now..you sound like a really caring lady. x

Cutting gets deeper and deeper and gets more danerous, so yes it is bad.
It will also affect your life later on when you're recovered but still are judged by the scars.

Thank you for the link Pacific. I did start CBT before when I was at the psych unit, but they discharged me before it could become of any use. I'm also not sure if my ME is at a high enough level to cope with it yet. I might mention it to the therapist tomorrow though, thank you

Chaimchar, sorry to hear you suffer as well. x

hi sweet. im not gonna say rights or wrongs i did it for long enough but havent for 7yrs though thought of often. i wonder if its coincidence when i was cutting i was on fluoxitine it made my symptoms worse. tried loads diff perscription and non til i found one that suits me. now preg again so off tabs and desperate for the birth to get back on something!
good luck x

How'd you get on, Erika?
You still watching this?

It's not a "bad" thing as in you are bad for doing it but it's a real shame your opinion of yourself is so low you feel that's all you deserve.

However it's become an emotional management tool as well as a punishment for not being "right" so it's going to be a difficult habit to break without lots of support and help. Deliberate self-harm has various functions for people and they can do it for different reasons at different times. It would be helpful for you to work through this with a suitably qualified therapist. If you can ask your mental health team for DBT or schema ficussed therapy. Both 3rd wave cognitive therapies. It sounds like there's a strong cognitive element to your problems which is why they might help.

BTW it sounds like you're doing a fab job. You sound like a fantastically caring and loving Mum who's putting the needs of your ds first and doing your absolute best for him. Please hold onto this. He loves you, you're the centre of his world.

FWIW I have 2 dcs the youngest is 5 months. he's lovely but i cannot handle when he cries for no reason. The despair I feel is beyond the pale. This is as a result of having a 1st child dd (now 3.5) who cried non stop for 4 months and not getting any help with it.

So please please ask for some help and be honest with them, especially about your thoughts, hopefully they can find a therapist who's right for you.

Thank you everyone

Had a rough weekend (had an argument with DP again, I so hate it when he's angry) but a really lovely day today, so am feeling a bit better. I haven't cut since Friday so am hoping to stick it out again.

Good days and bad days, eh?

You just take it one day at a time - I do think that is a very energy preserving way to go about protecting ones mental well being.