Convinced that everything I do is wrong

[ChairmumMiaow]

Have been posting a lot in relationships lately as H and I are in the process of separating, supposedly temporarily but he has no wish to work things out between us.

This has brought on depression that I am now acknowledging I must have been suffering from for many years.

I'm really struggling at the moment - have antidepressants but there is still ages till they are supposed to kick in, and in the mean time I am struggling with everything.

Horrible mood swings, not able to engage with DS properly and now I am worrying that I am upsetting other people saying the wrong thing

Spend all day on facebook and mumsnet just to try to work things through or take my mind off it and I'm floundering. I know it will get better, everyone says so, but I'm just worrying that every decision I am making, particularly with regards to H, is wrong because I am completely taken over by these feelings. Hope, then hopelessness - over and over. I worry that I am making decisions just to have some control over my life, and that I'll regret everything once I start to feel better. All I'm sure about is that I have to change something.

I am getting help (been referred for counselling) and I'm not having black thoughts or anything, but I hate feeling like this - like I don't have control over myself or anything about my life. My old fears about being too much for friends, about being a burden to them, keep rearing their ugly heads and I'm struggling just to get through each day.

It doesn't help that I'm barely eating, not sleeping properly and have no energy for anything. Everyone says its ok to let things slip while I get over the worst bit, but I worry that it will take ages, that I will sink down and down rather than pulling myself up.

I feel pathetic to be so constantly seeking reassurance but it feels like the foundation of my life has gone and I don't know what to do

Oh ChairmumMiaow I wish I could give you a great big hug!

Separation is probably the most stressful thing you could go through so it's not really surprising you are feeling so low. I guess when a change like this happens sometimes it has to get worse before it can get better.

You mention that DH is not really planning on working things out... what are your wants? Do you want to work it out or is it definitely over? Do you think you could reach an amicable split, for everyone's peace of mind / sanity?

It's great you've been referred for counselling, also that you've got the ADs now. Don't feel bad for taking them, you won't be on them forever they will just help you through this stressful period. I know they don't fully kick in for 2 weeks or so, but FWIW I did start to feel a slight improvement after a week or so on mine, so maybe not too long to wait?

I'm sure you are not a burden to your friends. At times like this you discover what real friends really are. I'm sure they can see what a tough time you are facing and will rally round to help out.

How is your DS coping with all this?

You are not pathetic. You just need a bit of help at the moment. Take care. Try to eat something, even if just a piece of fruit - and get out into the fresh air if you possibly can.

xxx

do you have any rl support? freinds, family, anyone? that you dont feel a burden by talking to...?

that is what will get you through you know.

theres a book called I Had a Black Dog and its really good at showing that what youre experiencing is an illness, not just a series of failures and character flaws... its a picture book too, doesnt take long to read... you can show it to loved ones and then they have a chance of understanding you and being able to support you too.

you WILL get better. simply because you want to, you'll find a way. dont cut yourself off. keep reaching out.

i personally think that separating might well be something you shouldnt commit to one way or the other just now... while youre in such a confused state. get the book - seriously. and keep taking the meds, and just hold tight and remember; this too will pass.

best of luck.

Thanks for the encouragement.

I am actually feeling a little better this morning as I slept 9-5 with only a couple of wakings for the loo

I am worried I am making the choice to ask him to leave at the wrong time but it is just so painful to see that he doesn't seem to be suffering at all, and doesn't care about me. It feels like not having him here would be better than constantly being reminded

he would only be moving into a flat nearby for a while, so he can continue to see DS but my hope i'd that having the space will help us both to realise what we want. I want to prove to myself that I can cope without him. Perhaps he will realise he misses me, or perhaps not, but at least he will be faced with the reality of his choices- that he can't have it all like he really does now.

I have friends who are being great but I have long term issues with trust and a history of pushing people away by bein too needy (when much younger) which affects me, and they all have their own lives that they have to get on with.

I am making sure I eat something, but it's not enough, and I get outside with DS every day even if it is just to take him to nursery. I'm still going to his groups and tuff because I know staying home all day would
be worse for all of us.

However, last night was the most sleep I have hand in days so maybe that will help? Even if i am still tired!

Oh and I want nothing more than for him to say he wants to love me again, and wants to try, but he says he can't at the moment, and says I am pushing him- which it might be easier not to do if he were not always here.

DS is only 2 but know somethins is wrong. He gives me lots of kisses and cuddles and keeps telling everyone else to cuddle ad kiss me