Just that really.
I am lucky in so many ways. I have a job I love - even though it is hard and doesn't pay very well - and two FANTASTIC children. I am well off enough due to my dh's workaholism to buy in cleaning and childcare support. I can see that my life might look quite enviable from the outside.
However. Both my children have health issues, which are time and energy heavy and stress inducing. Nothing compared to some of you stalwarts on here like Riven and people, but enough to make it tough and anxiety-ridden at times. ONe has a mental health issue, and one has severe asthma and allergies which means she needs a lot of time off school.
My relationship with DH, having been sliding gently down hill for some years, really hit the buffers two years ago. Since then we have both done a lot of work, together and separately. He moved out for a year but has now moved back in, but we are still not sleeping together. We are going for a couple counselling weekend in April to see if we can kick start this - I am dreading it. WE had an arrangement whereby we were allowed to seek sex elsewhere - very adult - it was supposed to be that we only had one night stands, and with people the other partner did not know, to maintain the supremacy of the marriage. This has worked for him but less so for me - I feel vulnerable and lonely and have had two disastrous quasi affairs over the past two years and have just pulled myself back from the brink of a third.
My best friend is currently dying of cancer.
I feel slightly Winehousian at the moment - everything I do seems to be tainted and I don't want to infect my children with my sadness and grief - it's particularly hard for the younger one who is offschool a lot.
I had two years of psychosynthesis therapy which was amazing - I can't afford to go any more - time or money wise.
I don't really know what I'm looking for on here. I have a robust sense of humour and I know that things do not stay as they are. I will bounce back from this crisis as I have from others. But it just seems that the times in between the crises are getting less and less and that each one hits me harder.
I should add that my teens and twenties were spent battling substance abuse, suicide attempts etc, and that my childhood was mainly miserable, so I don't feel I have an interior happy place to access easily.
Oh, I don't know. I'm rambling. But I'm a little bit scared that I find myself here again, seemingly gazing into an abyss of despair......that old familiar friend.
?