Has anyone gone into therapy with a parent to sort out 'ishoos'?

[deloola]

Didn't know whether this fell into relationships or mental health so may post there as well.

I have ishoos from my childhood and have had quite a bit of therapy to get me where I am today, however the relationship with my father has always been v difficult since mid-teens and has had a huge impact on my behaviour and relationship with my immediate family. A few issues are rearing their ugly heads at the moment that are directly related to my father.

He is blissfully unaware that his parenting has had such an impact on my life, but I feel that I want to address it and don't know how to - I also want him to take some responsibility and have some insight into what impact his actions have had on my life.

Has anyone ever gone into family therapy as an adult child?

My father's behaviour has had devastating effects on all his children. A long time ago, we went into family therapy because I had a serious eating disorder. My dad loved it, although it ultimately had very little effect on his behaviour.

You sound a bit as though you want to change your dad. I'm not sure he'd be willing to come with you to face a litany of charges which he may not be able to do anything about.

What do you expect your dad to do? Has his behaviour been criminal?

As an adult, you are responsible for your own life, however awful it was in the beginning. One of my brothers refuses to take any responsibility for his actions and behaves in the same way as my father,which is sad to see.

You sound as though you are making good progress.

I agree with Silent Catastrophe

It is important that you work out what you want from your father. I have still not told my dad that I was abused as a child. I don't want to upset his life after all these years, don't want him to get angry, don't want to risk him not believing me, there's a host of reasons.

Once I came very close to telling him and then I realised I wanted to tell him because I wanted him to make things ok. He did not make things ok when I was 9 so I wanted him to do it now. These feelings can be strong and hard to supress. But he can't make it ok now.

I recently said it to someone with similar issues (although she was the mum) just because you were part of the problem it does not make you part of the solution.

Thank you for your thoughts. Yes - I agree - I need to work out what I want from him. I think I just want him to know what impact his behaviour has had and still does have on my life with maybe the hope that he may change his behaviour in the future. At least if he doesn't change (which I agree he probably won't) he will at least know why I react the way I do iywim.

I do agree with your last sentance - but how can that work if that person is still in your life. I don't know if I have the emotional strength to do it on my own.

Maybe I need to go back to individual therapy. I've already been in tears this morning as a result of him - its my birthday today (which is an emotional day as I'm adopted) and as usual I am at the bottom of his list of priorities. FFS - I'm crying now.

Happy Birthday! I hope you can will start feeling a bit better.

Is it your real dad, or your adoptive dad? Why is he still in your life? I am infinitely better with a big distance between me and my father.

Only you can change your attitude towards this man. His behaviour may change on account of yours. Do you have access to a therapist?

Can you do something really nice for yourself for YOUR birthday? Take yourself to one side and treat yourself?

Thank you - I've had a lovely afternoon - my mum came over which was really nice.

He is my adoptive father. Tbh the only reason I have contact with him is so that dd will know who he is. She recently asked when she was going to see him again. I have recently made a conscious decision to limit any contact I make with him with the aim of 'managing' my emotions towards him. Whenever I see him I always get upset afterwards - its like my expectations of him are too high and every time I hope that he's going to treat me differently and you know what - he never does!

I have a brother who also behaves in the same way as my father which makes me feel really sad.

hiya
i clicked on this thread coz i am sort of wondering the same thing. am at a bit of a crossroads or dead end or something wrt therapy and childhood stuff ... i dunno where im supposed to be going with it tbh. erk, am being all vague and mysterious sounding, apologies im not meaning to be.
anyways, i dont have any answers for you, but just wanted to say i was, er, comforted? to find that im not the only one in this position. hope you find peace and resolve stuff soon, take care.

Another one with siliar issues here. My Dad mentally abused me and beat me and my Mum let him.

I cut my Dad out of my life 17 years ago now but still see my Mum. We have a relationship but I feel like it's strained and kind of false.

I've had therapy on my own and dealt with my feelings about my father and my resulting self esteem issues but have never really dealt with my relationship with my mother and the resentment I have that she never protected me. Was talking about it with my MIL today in fact.

I'm actually worried that talking about it might damage our relationship further though and then I'd be pretty much parent-less which scares me. She adores me DS and DD and think maybe I should leave them to have a relationship and carry on muddling through.

Sorry, not meaning to hijack, just wanted you to know that you're not alone....