Nothing Inside

[crabb]

My first post but have been lurking for a while. I'm 51 and have everything going for me in life, but feel like an empty shell. I have a loving DH of 29 years and 3 adult children, none living at home and all doing well in their lives.
I am distressed at the moment because I no longer seem to be able to feel anything anymore - not love for my husband or children, nor pleasure (sexual or any other kind). We've been on holidays for 2 weeks at the beach ( we live in Aus) and this is usually something I look forward to immensely but there is nothing satisfying about it. Boy, sound like a moaner, don't I? Nothing has gone wrong, we've had time with the children and time on our own, we've relaxed, the sun has shone andthe sea has sparkled but I'm still restless and unsatisfied.

I usually look forward to a holiday like this as a time to recharge the marital batteries so to speak - we live a very busy work life (work together in our own business)
the rest of the time. This time I have felt so
disconnected from him and it's very distressing, but
when I Iook at it he hasn't done anything different,
hasn't changed, it's something inside me that's lacking.

I've been depressed at points of my life, but it doesn't
feel that way now - I don't have that despondency or
despair, but I wonder if this is depression in another
form? I've been unwell for 6 months ( not a serious
illness but diagnosis inconclusive as yet) which
involves recurring abdominal pain, and the only time I
feel really alive (positive, hopeful, happy) is when I
have strong painkillers onboard. I don't have to take
them very often and I'm not addicted to them but I can
see the potential for it and my mother was an
alcoholic.

I feel guilty that I've got so much going for me but I still
can't feel happy. I seem to lean on others to fulfill me
emotionally and it's not fair on them, but when I look
inside myself it's as if there's nothing there, there's no
me. My life is my family and work, nothing else. I have
no confidence, energy or motivation to do any more.

Do you think I'm depressed? What should I do? Does the fact I can only feel happy with drugs in me mean anything?
Thanks for bothering to read this. It does sound truly pathetic as I read it back.

It sounds to me like there are 2 issues going on - the fact you are in physical pain a lot of the time and that you are probably suffering from stress. You do also sound lacking in self esteem. Are you being seen by a doctor for the illness you suffer?

Yes, have been through many diagnostic tests and now waiting to see a specialist ( not until May unfortunately ). It seems I may have to learn to live with it.
Low self-esteem? Yes, probably. Does it matter? It seems wankery to talk about one's self- esteem. (not a criticism, just feel deeply uncomfortable talking about it)

I know what you mean about it being 'wankery' to talk about low self-esteem, but I think that in itself is proof of having no self-worth - you don't think it's even worth talking about, when in actual fact, it's probably at the root of a lot of problems in your life.

The inability to feel pleasure is called anhedonia

I had this during my depression and it was very scary - I felt totally empty inside, nothing at all gave me pleasure.

It was so complete that even the satisfaction you get from a sneeze or a yawn was completely absent.

It sounds to me like you could have depression. ADs for a while could help you and it's not a case of feeling "fake" emotion - they restore a chemical imbalance in your brain that enables you to "feel" properly again.

Thank you both for replying. Get Down, that does indeed sound terrifying. I hope you are better / getting better now. I don't think I've been in as bad a place as you were but I do know some if it.

I have been on anti-depressants in the past, but not for several years. They damped my libido (hah, got there myself without drugs this time) and when I tried a new one a few years ago I had a delirious night full of nightmares after the first dose - kind of scared me off. But I am thinking of talking to my doctor about them again.

Peggotty, how do you rebuild self esteem when there is nothing inside to rebuild from? Sorry, that sounds melodramatic. But I genuinely don't know.