Not sure I can take much more

[TotallyHadEnough]

I have name changed for this, but am just so fed up just now.
I just cant cope. Everyone needs too much of me all the time. I am totally exhausted all the time. I had been off citalopram since November, but have just given in and taken one again I have become such an awful mother to the children.I NEVER have any fun with them. I am always stressed,overwhelmed,grumpy and shouty.
I REALLY yell at them a lot. They are always safe, fed, clothed etc at school on time, homework done....but other than the essentials I REALLY am an absolutely horrible mother.I just had a yelling match with my oldest son (12) and I am ashamed to say I threw his lunchbox at him He then told me he hated me and that I am the worst ever mother,and you know what, he's right.
They make me so mad all the time. They fight, they never help out,they totally trash the house and all I ever do is go along behind them cleaning up there mess and picking up the pieces.But really I love them so much, they deserve so much better, what is wrong with me. Why do I keep on treating them like this?
DH is out of the house from 7.15am till 6pm 5 days a week, and then 2 nights a week he does extra tutoring till 9pm to make extra cah. We are skint. Always too much month left at the end of our money, so managing that is always a stress and on my mind. We cant afford a holiday or nice bday pressies for the kids etc which makes me
We have NO other family any where nearby to help out, and I dont really have any friends.
I NEVER go out anywhere or do anything that isnt for the kids.Sometimes I dont even have chance to shower for 3 days!
We have a large family, because thats what Ialways wanted, but in truth just now I am so regretting the choices I made. I feel so bad that I have become such a horrible mother.
I am so devastated to be back onm citalopram. I have a number of SE from it,and dont feel great on it so really wanted to be off it. But in truth I am a slightly less horrible less angry mommoy when on it, and so for the kids I will go bcak onit.
My GP is totally useless,no chance of seeing anyone else.so citalopram is my only option just now
Sometimes I think I'll just run away and leave them all. Think they would be better off without me tbh.
So

Hi Totally I didnt want your post to go unanswered, taking anti depressants isnt failing it really isnt it is trying to get better.
If the gp at your surgery are useless and some are when it comes to depression etc could you change to a different practice>? might find someone who is willing to listen and offer advice

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this, there are so many things putting pressure on you from so many directions that its no wonder that you feel like this. Do your DH and kids know how you are feeling? They should appreciate how much you are doing for them. They are, as you say, fed, clothed etc etc etc. getting all that done is a huge job. And if those are done, does it matter? I am sure that you are not a horrible mother, just a stressed one. You must love them very much to do all you do for them. They would definitely not be better off without you

I think that you should have a date night with DH, you can do it at home, just make it special, and tell him how you are feeling and how it is his responsibility too. And I think you should join Flylady; have a look even if you think its balls, it has really changed my attitude towards looking after the house, and magically got dh to help too.

Do you know that you have the right to be seen by your choice of GP at your practice, or to move to another if you want? It might be a good idea to see if a different AD would help you if you have been suffering side effects with citalopram.

It wont go on feeling like this, promise.