hi ive been battling with my emotions on and off for around a year now, ive been to the doctors twice, not had any medication before as the doctor didnt think i was depressed just battleing with very low self esteem,
i did 3 sessions of relate on my own but stopped going, the counsellor kept looking at the clock behind me and i just felt like i was boring her.
I split with my ex husband 3 years ago, my fault i had an affair with my current partner so i was obviously very unhappy in my marriage and suddenly i felt happy again. this was short lived as the guilt and self hatred kicked in. I have a dd who is 4 with my ex, she still sees her dad every week we have quite a sound agreement there although he makes everything very awkward and is quite exhausting but i dont blame him for this after what i did to him/us.
I also have a 15 month old ds with my currect partner.
ive been battleing with myself on and off since the split although it did seem to get better just before i got pregnant and during pregnancy i felt happy and secure and ok.
My partner although he loves me has been very hurt in a recent relationship, his divorce is almost through, so he is very guarded, which sometimes makes me feel nervous about whether he loves me or not, recently when i have a drink we have been really falling out, i start it, im always suspicious of him, i have no real reason to be like this, i get jealous if i think he is looking at other women etc, i cause arguments from nothing really, i know this is low self esteem etc his reaction is to try and ignore me, he wont talk about things with me and eventually he just explodes, but i know i do go on and on he has been quite violent to me a number of times now, pinning me up against the wall by the neck, he has really hurt me and scared me, he just errupts but i know i push him to it, were both in the wrong, and its got to stop, this is always at night and has never been infront of the children, i have very low self esteem, i feel very confused,and extremely insecure,i need to get over this its dragging me down when i get upset i think its a cry for help really, i want him to show his love for me and give me some affection not just be a joker and constantly taking the piss out of me.
I know i dont paint a pretty picture of him, but he can be caring and loving and fun and he is a great dad, its more me than him.
I love him and i want this to work out but i need to get control of myself and he also needs to sort his anger out. he thinks im pathetic for going to the doctor and getting happy pills, this instantly makes me feel ashamed but i think im carrying such a lot of emotional baggage that i just cant get rid of i dont know what else i can do because if this carrys on we are going to split up and i dont want that to happen.
I have said im going to give up drinking for a while till i hopefully get passed this (im not an alcoholic, just 1 a night but more at we), so then the arguments hopefully wont happen and the violence will stop.
Is there tablets that would help maybe clear my head and stop being totally overcome by my emotions.
im not coping very well at the moment with everything, im a SAHM too so have a lot of time on my hands to analyse everything and wallow in self hatred, but im redoing my english and maths at college then doing a teaching assistant course, so i have a plan to get back into work as i think that is were some of the problems lie, ive always worked and i have lost my feeling of self worth, im just a mum/cleaner.
i want to move on and be content and happy in this relationship as i know it would be so good if i could let go of what happened in the past but it just keeps resurfacing in all different ways, i know i need to love myself and get my confidence back then i would not be so pathetic and needy. What else can i try?
really sorry it so long.