newbie here, have just admitted I have a problem and trying to help myself

[iliveingroundhogday]

Hi all,
I started a thread last night on chat about how crap I feel about my life and lovely ladies ran to my aid. There was the suggestion that I might be depressed, and among other helpful advice they informed me of the existence of this mental health section, so I thought I'd pop in and say hi. I'm 29, living in greece with dh and two preschoolers, work full time (own business) and, well... I spend my time crying and hiding in my bed (not very good for my business either).

I talked to DH about how I feel last night and he was very supportive, but haven't been to GP yet, or made an appointment. I'm just too scared they'll throw some meds at me and send me home. I have thought that maybe I can simply help myself through books, sites etc., but then maybe this is risky?

come and say hi to me

hi iliveingroundhogday, I saw your thread in chat last night, but didnt get a chance to say much. How are you feeling today?

not very well, took the day off to sort out my head and see where I go from here.

Now the kids are in bed though I feel really really low, I struggle to keep myself from crying (and some of the time I don't manage). I just feel so desperately alone despite my husband being here and being supportive.

I just wish I could wake up in the past... in a simpler easier time

I know what you mean about wishing you could change the past, but as people keep pointing out to me, you can't and these regrets do bring you down.

If your kids are in bed, what about having a bubble bath or something similar? even if it is for 20 min might help.

I have decided that for tonight there are no rules / routine for bedtime, so ds is currently sitting in my bed watching a dvd and eating popcorn, it might live to regret it but I dont want to spend another evening shouting etc.

hi iliveingroundhogday
Sorry you are feeling this way. I have been in that dark lonely place and I know what it feels like. It is awful and you feel like it will never get better... but it does get better. You just need to find the right help and support.
Please make that appointment... go on.

I'm sure they won't just throw some meds at you - they will most likely refer you on to a counselling / talking therapies service or other suitable service, however don't dismiss medication out of hand, you don't know if it will work until you try it.

I suffer from almost crippling anxiety at times, but can't take medication as I have a history of being a pill popper and would most likely become far too attached to any anti-anxiety meds they give me! (wistful sigh)

Then you can look at self help - sites like this one, 'official' sites for mental health (the ones where they aren't trying to sell you stuff and preferably connected to government / NHS / mental health organisations)

Do you know what is at the root of your depression / anxiety, ilighd?

No, I don't. I've no idea how and when this started and it's been creeping up on me bit by bit, but this last week I'm totally paralised.

I have cancelled all my appointments and can't work again today. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling great and thought "what a load of rubbish, I'm just fine and life is great, what was all that about". But in the morning I could hardly get the kids ready for school. I'm now sat here, almost 10 o'clock, still in my jammies, smelly, dirty tearful and exhausted.

I promised my girl a fun walk this afternoon, how am I supposed to go through with it?

And I thought DH was understanding, but he also has a lot to deal with (work, home, kids, me) so I fully expect him to lose his rag any minute. This morning, after the kids were gone and I hid back in bed he threw some bills and notes on the bed and said "if you're not going to work again at least you could deal with these". And the problem is that he's right! We're supposed to be equal partners but I'm turning into a burden very quickly.

I just want someone to hold my hand and pull me out of this place. Shoot, can't stop crying again...

just wanted to offer my support - it is a horrible place to be at. Do go to your doctor, bit worried because you are in greece so its difficult to say what their policies are. Don't be too skeptical about medication - its not like it used to be, it wont zombify you.

Has something happened? or is it just the pressure of everything?

Don't take your DH too seriously, its difficult for him, he doesnt understand - my DP struggled with me. But maybe you could have a look at the bills later? but and this is important, only if they are bills you can easily sort out - if they are stressy bills, put them somewhere safe so you can deal with them another time. Just set yourself small tasks. but dont beat yourself up if you cant manage it - If you were lying in bed with flu your DH wouldnt be flinging bills at you - but just because you dont have a streaming nose and look like death warmed up, it doesnt mean you are not ill, its just less visible to other people.

Take this seriously - get some help

Try for the walk if you possibly can - your DD will be a pain in the arse if you are stuck in all day and that will be more stress in the long run, you will feel better for being outside.

You are NOT a burden, and being equal partners means that when one person is down the other partner has to step up with a bit of extra support - it works both ways. You work better as a team when that philosophy prevails.

Go and wash your face - have a cup of tea, thats a start - no more than that.

The fact that you are waking up in the middle of the night is another indication that actually, you are not fine, but that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel and that is really hopeful - you WILL get through this, you just need a helping hand

Is your business dependent on you? Preschool kids and a stressful job really don't mix. Do you have any help in the house/ childcare?

GO to the dr and take your DH with you so that he is envolved and understands the situation and the need for treatment/ action.

12 years ago I became depressed with two preschoolers and a career to deal with. Today I have healthy happy teens and a good job plus a lovely man. Without a short course of seatonin uptake inhibitors I think I would have completely lost it. There is no shame in treating illness.

thank you. I'm not being dismissive of medication, I'm just worried about being fobbed off. Hope fully I'll be offered some therapy/counselling as well. I don't worry about health care here, it's been great up until now. And the bills are not stressful in a financila way, but I have to get out of the house and walk the entire 5 minutes to the post office, and maybe even talk to people. HOW?

Somehow typing is much easier than talking, I don't know if I'll find the energy to say goodmorning.

HOW THE F**K DID I GET HERE????

Forgive my rant please, thank you all so much for you messages, it's what keeps me going these last couple of days...

Hi there, groundhogday.
I suffered from post-natal depression after my DS was born 12 years ago. If you find the right doc, there is DEFINATELY light at the end of the tunnel.
I have just been diagnosed with OCD and am now taking the right medication. It has worked wonders! I feel better than I have in 12 years, despite just suffering a miscarriage, I feel strong in myself and level headed. It's a novelty after 12 years believe me!
You MUST see your Doc, and don't give up.
I agree with annasoprano when she says take your DH with you to see Doc, he will understand more if you do.
Rant away if you need to,

Vic x

I know what it is like to not want to see anyone, and having to talk to people to pay bills at times terrifies me. What I do is grab my ipod and put some music on and listen to that so that I am not focusing on the scary part of going out. Could try something like that, it might help?

It is natural to be anxious about medication - i was weeks deciding, and you are absolutely right, medication alone wont help, you will need some form of therapy - medication AND therapy is what i hope will be offered to you, you might have to stamp your feet, but its what you need. Absoluetely take your DH with you, i made DP come with me and tbh it was more about getting the doctor to explain to HIM what was going on because the poor sod was terrified, i was the strong one, i was the one who stood up to the world and then bit by bit i basically cracked up - he was at a loss.

HOW will you get to the post office? I don't know, but you will - you have done it time and time and time again and auto pilot will kick in. Try not to think about it, just do it - and anyway, what does it matter if you get there and can't face going in - you would have still been out in the fresh air. Put the bills/whatever you need to take in a bag and go for a walk, go past the PO, if you feel like taking the letters in, do it - if not, they can wait, its not the end of the world. Its not important. Dont make it too important.

I know exactly what you mean about how did you get there? Its like a bolt out of the blue, but the important thing is that you now know where you are and that is the first step to getting better.

YOU CAN DO THIS

iliveingroundhogday it's tabouleh here from your chat thread

just wondering how you are this week?

have you been to the doctors?

have you looked at any of the links I posted?