i need help, please.

[Gemma1383]

im so to the point where i just can not go on any more, i dont even know where to start its that bad.
iv got a 3 yr old son and a 11 month old son and ever since having ds2 iv had one thing after another (illness after illness and more stress than i can imagin) i was forsed out of breastfeeding by my dh as i was in alot of pain and i feel like i resent him for everything. i feel guilty for my 3 year old because i never get any time for him any more to do all the things we used to like jigsaws and building and painting as ds2 geting in the way or breaks things up or rips things (like i know babies do but how do you tell an 11 month old baby to stop or that its wrong to do that, they have no idea yet). my ds2 never seams to want me when ever anyone else is around, especially my dh, he crys franticly when hes around and wont leave him alone like iv been cruwl to him and he needs to get away from me???? but im trying my best i really am. my parents and sister are no good to no one as they just say things like "oh you just have to cope" and "snap out of it your being stupid" and heres the best one my dad says to me on a very regular basis "payback time" like its all my fault and i deserve it. i just dont think i can do any thing else to help my self out of this hole and i resent my husband more and more every day for going to work and leaving me to just get on with it. i need him here with me to help me but we need to money too.
help please i need a friend i can talk to.

I'm sorry you're feeling so crap. Two under the age of four is really tough. It sounds like you're tired, run down, lonely and completely NOT in need of comments like "payback time" and "just cope". Honestly, some people.

So you need some help from someone a bit more understanding. What about your health visitor? Maybe ask her about homestart? There are volunteers that come in and help for an hour or two. And ask for a GP check. Explain how tired and overwhelmed you feel. Maybe anaemic?

Can you get a babysitter for a couple of hours on a saturday. It sounds like you could also do with a little time with dh, just the two of you.

Is there a local play group where you can turn your 3yo loose with other kids and and spend some time chatting to the other mums?

I'm so cross with your family for being so unsupportive, and don't let anyone make you think you are somehow to blame for how you feel. You are so not alone.
But please, book an appointment to see you GP and just tell them how you feel. I'm no medical expert, but just bear in mind that post-natal depression is so common and can set in months after having had a baby. Especially if you are feeling unsupported, and stuff has happened that you felt you had no control over and made you feel you were'nt parenting as you wanted to.
Also, does your 3yr old go to any childcare? He'll be entitled to 15hours pw for free and that would give you some bonding time with the younger one, and maybe you could see about giving the younger one some different time in childcare so you get one-on-one time with your eldest?
Finally, do you go to any mum and toddler/baby groups? Or have any mummy friends? My lifeline has been the support of other mummies.
Oh, and if you've surestart in your area, then contact them and they can offer you some support too.
Hang in there, and whatever else is going on - YOU ARE A GOOD MUMMY!

thank you both so much for your comments. i have rang home start to see if they can offer me any help and they are going to get back to me. as for going doctors, i wont basicly. my gp is so unhelpfull and rude its unreal. i went with another problem a few weeks ago and he was going um, yes, um, yes over me whilst i was talking then when i asked him about somthing else he starting making hand jestures to try and hurry me up so i never got round to the most important one witch is this.
my toddler does go to play school 4 mornings a week so that is a massive help but its been half turm last week and i think its all just boiled up again. i cant afford any other child care for my baby though as i dont work (and would be worse off if i did go back) and my dh only earns enough to keep our heads afloat. my mil is fantastic and helps as much as she can but shes 69 and is struggling now to cope with babies herself but she does do alot of ironing for us haha witch is a massive help, shes a star really, i just wish my mum was the same.
its my birthday soon so im going to ask if she will baby sit one night so me and dh can get some time to go out together, somthing that we havent done since we had them both.
i thank you both so much for your comments and helping me sort my head out for another day.
xx

You could ask to see a lady GP as well. You might get a more understanding reaction.

hi gemma, you poor thing, i totally relate to everything you are saying, i didnt mention in my post how bloody difficult it is having two small children, mine are very similar ages to yours and i often wonder what the hell i have done, mine dont play together, my 4 yo DD resents ds so much she is horrible to him, she wakes him up at night shouting just to wind us up, but then sometimes i dont blame her for her behaviour because its so difficult to divide my time between them both, she feels so pushed out and my youngest is so demanding, my parents help a bit, but we are desperatly short of babysitters, this weekend was the first time a friend babysat for us and we went and stayed over in manchester and i cant beleive we ended up falling out, what a waste i feel terrible now.

im not much help either, i hope we can both sort it out, i think we just need to sit tight and it will get easier as they get older, and we are both SAHM which i think is so much harder than going to work, i feel so cut off and lonely. I dont stop talking when dp gets home cos sometimes i havent spoken to another adult all day
we can talk to each other though,
try to change doctors too,
xx