Pregnant and very down. Feel helpless.

[minkulus]

I'm sorry if this is th ewrong place. I am so low and I am scared. I had severe PND with my dd and I am now pregnant again 16wks. I already feel really low and vulnerable. I dont know what to do or who to ask for help. Will they take my dd away if i say i'm not coping.
Cant ask in RL for help as my mother tried to get me to give up my beautiful girl last time and i'm so scared they wont let me keep her or the new baby.
Sorry this probably doesnt make sense. i am so scared and my dh is no help. he doesnt know what to do with me and he keeps away from me.

Of course this is the rigth place to post what are you apologising for

Sorry you are feeling so low. PND is not reason to take your baby away. Please talk to your doctor or midwife to make sure you get the help you need.

at your mother, why did she want to do that? Probably best stay away from her then. Having spied on your profile you are not of an age to have your mum dictate your life. How about your dh/dp (they around?) or friends? You do need support and that involves showing someone how you feel.

Hi there

antenatal depression is a real and common problem and one that I suffered myself - for me it helped a bit to know that it is not uncommon.

I see that your DH is not much use - is it because he is scared do you think?

I really think that you should talk to your midwife about this, I really do.

Your mum's actions last time also seem weird to say the least.

Did you have any involvement with services at hospital or elsewhere last time round?

Thanks for the replies. When my DD was born we were living away from my family in London.We moved back up to be nearer my family when my LO was 8 weeks old, and kind of fell through the gaps with the health visitors etc IYSWIM. We were renovating a house and due to pressure from Mother and MIL, myself and baby went to live with my parents - ending up staying for 18 months! During this time I had an 'episode' and ended up overnight in the hospital for assessment and that is when my mother contacted some old colleagues from social services to enquire about her rights to adopt my daughter . She was a bloody nightmare and still talks about how i don't cope etc.
Long and short is she is making noises about me not being able to cope with 2 etc and I guess it all got too much today.
My DH is useless with anything where i am not on top form. He knows it and is ashamed, but that doesn't really help me when i think i cant rely on him. He lets my mother bully him and doesnt really stick up for any of us if i am low.
Sorry its a bit long. so many horrible memories keep coming up and i am so tearful. thanks agin for the support.
xx

Hi minkulus. Sorry you are feeling so low. Sounds like your mother has really undermined you, and doesn't respect you as a mum to your own DD. That must have really dented your confidence. She does not have the right to adopt your DD! Social services would have to do an assessment, and depression is not reason enough to take a child away from their parents.
There are mother and baby units you could go to if things got really bad after the birth of your second, so you wouldn't have to be separated. Could your DH look after your DD does she go to nursery or anything during the day?

What your mother did was unforgivable really, wasn't it. She should have supported you and looked after you and helped, and instead she used her contacts with SS to look into ways of taking your daughter. I am at that and not surprised you are depressed and worried.

I assume your house has been renovated now and you are living away from your family?

It sounds as if your mother is also contributing to decline in your relationship with your DH?

How is money/work - I know it sounds extreme - but you moved to get near to family again - that clearly is not good - could you move away again?

What does your DH say about all of this? Does he just ignore it and hope it will go away? Does he support you at all?

Thank you for replies.
I am so embarassed that I still let my mother influence how I feel about myself and my abilities as a Mum. I guess because i am often so tired (M.E and a DD who still doesn't sleep through!) it is easy for others to manipulate me and take over.
I guess I am scared of talking to any one official as if its on my records that i am low again, then 'they' (whoever the mystical they are) might have grounds to question my suitability.
My DD is so well looked after, loved, stimulated, and has a full school and social life that I know I am being irrational, but i guess these wounds run deep and its hard to shake when you are really down.

Hoping tommorrow is brighter for all of us.
xxx

Having a controlling mother is not your fault. They have a way of getting at you and making you feel crappy about yourself that noone else can. Sometimes it's about them having their own insecurities, not wanting to let their own children grow up and have a life of their own - not being able to dictate their rules any more.

As you said your DD is really well looked after and has everything she needs, so you really have nothing to worry about. SS can sometimes be portrayed as this awful sinister service that can't wait to get their hands on your kids, but that is not the case, it is so so hard to have a child removed, they have to prove stuff to a court and they often don't win. I had severe post-natal psychiatric issues and can honestly say that SS were only supportive to me, and wanted to get me back on my feet.

I really hope you manage to break free of your mother's unhealthy influence, and that you DH can start standing up for you. xx

I have a friend who had severe antenatal/PND with both her children and was offered support from the nearest mother and baby unit, where you can stay with you baby after birth and have support before birth etc. Also she self referred to homestart - part of surestart and found the weekly two hour visit of support helpful and an independent person, with no fixed agenda other than to offer support.

Hope you can get professional support for you.

Can you contact the people you were in touch with for your PND? Or did it all really fall through the cracks and you were untreated?

When I had mental health issues when I was pregnant, I told 2 different midwives, and a doctor at the hosptial, and they weren't interested. In the end DH marched me to the GP and the nurse there put me in touch with the perinatal team at our hosp who were fabulous. I also had support from teh psychiatric unit. No-one mentioned anything about SS at all.

I would urge you to ring midwife and tell them/do it at your next appt if it's not too far off. If that is no help then try your GP. Keep at it til you get some help - with a history of PND I would have thought they would fast-track you for support at this time.

I also think you need to have a proper talk with your DH about how you are feeling, and your concerns, and about your mum. If you can present a united front to your mum then maybe she will back off a bit.

There is a thread on here for people with toxic parents - something about stately homes - I will try and find it for you

here you go maybe you will be able to find some help about how to handle your mum/it might be good to talk about your experiences with people who understand, if you like

SS do not take peoples DC because they are depressed or anxious or having any other mental health issues.

I completly lost the plot when DS was born, I was TERRIFIED that he would be taken away. In the end I had to tell somebody and the GP sent the crisis team around to me. The lovely lovely lady said to me 'look we have no interest in taking yours or anyone elses children because they are having a hard time, if we had knocked on your door and there were bottles of vodka empty everywhere and hungry children it would be a different story'

They really really only want to help. Please go and see your GP, there are lots of anti-depressants you can take whilst pregnant and breastfeeding. You can get a plan in place for support once the baby is born. You will feel better when you start taking action to protect yourself from this.

What your DM did was awful and undermining but you have to let it go. You have no need to tell her you are struggling and SS would most likely laugh at her if she asked them what her rights would be to adopt your daughter

Honestly honestly this is a solvable situation. Dont forget that hormones will also be up and down like a yo-yo which won't be helping anything

Thank you all. I am going to talk to my Midwife this week. She had already flagged up my low mood and I feel ok talking to her. I did fall through the gaps with the last troubles in that I had some counselling and had a chat with the mental health team, but I was unable to attend appointments as my Mother would not babysit for me to go......quote " see you can't cope, you have to ask me to look after her so you can go off and talk about these problems". Also there were a number of people in the team who were old colleagues of my Mum, so it was impossible for me to feel free to talk IYSWIM? The support ended .
I am determined to be better prepared this time and see what help I can get. I was not even aware that such places as mother and baby units existed. I really wish I had known last time, maybe i could have got the help I needed.
I feel more positive today about it all today and it has really helped knowing there are more rational people I can talk to! Sad though that others have had to be where I am now (and worse). It seems such a sad place to be during what should be a glorious and happy time........... Love to you all.xx

Ask if they have a perinatal team - this is what I had and they were great.

Make sure you tell the midwife as well about your mum's mates and that you feel really uncomfortable talking to them so that she can sort out something suitable for you.

I assume your DH works full time hence no childcare? If you have no-one else to look after DD while you have appts then simply tell the midwife that and they will hopefully find a way to work around it. There will be many people without babysitting on tap and they will be used to finding ways around it.

I suggest you resist the urge to tell your mum about any of this. She sounds quite poisonous TBH sorry but she does.

Oh and good luck! And you know where we are if you want to talk more