It's some stupid hour in the morning and I'm wide awake and in pain. My back is locked up as per usual and stopping me sleeping. Right now it's only the fact I can't move stopping me from getting a knife and cutting. I want controlled pain not this incessant crippling pain.
What makes it worse is that my dad had a go at me earlier because he has to drive to me, because I can't drive like this. And he complained how I hadn't seen my ill grandad either. Like I've had a choice. He's made me feel like the worst daughter ever.
I've been struggling for 11 months now. I'm exhausted and tired of being accused of putting on the pain. I wish there was some physical sign. I want to bleed, I want to cut my damn spine out. If I had enough painkillers to knock me out entirely I'd take them. Instead I'm stuck lying here. My eyes hurt from crying. I've had enough.