Struggling - have no idea what to do

[drowning]

Oh God. Don't know where to start and have also name changed by the way.

I am really struggling to cope. I am feel so unbelieveably low at the moment - I'm worried about money, I'm unable to function at work, I am stroppy. I just don't know what to do.

I have always had moments of feeling down like this but at the moment it is particularly bad. There was a time at the later part of 2009 when I was struggling at work. Someone was basically bullying me. My self confidence took a real knock and hasn't recovered despite the problem at work not really being there anymore. It has got to the point where for the past two weeks I have been avoiding making phone calls at work. For some reason the very thought of it makes me feel sick. I don't know why - it is totally irrational and these calls I am scared of are a very vital part of my job so I just don't know what to do. The past two weekends I have spent the whle time worried about going back to work and making these calls. I have been struggling to get to sleep - quite often not sleeping until 1/2am and I keep getting awful stomach pains which I'm starting to think is linked to stress or something.

To top it off my depo injection was due this week. I had it and had a huge falling out with DP afterwards. I'm sure that it is because the depo makes me more emotional - I remember we had a huge argument on the day I had it done last time. It seems to make me more emotional/argumentative which ends in an argument. I'm doubtful I will have it again as I have been feeling so awful the past two days that I'm sure it must be related. But then that means I probably need to go back on the pill which I have avoided due to it not really working for me previously.

Anyway, I am ranting now. Don't really know what to do/how I feel - my head just feels all over the place. It feels kind of jittery, like it is rushing from thought to thought in a panicky kind of way. Oh God, I must sound so crazy. I just need to share this as I don't know what to do and could really do with some sort of support.

Thank you and sorry.

Sorry I'm going to add more as writing that has just upset me.

I don't know what to do at all. I feel constantly like I'm crap at everything then there is a voice deep down telling me that I can do all these things that I think I can't do but still i can't try and do them because I'm too scared.

If I achieve success at anything I get upset about it and really emotional because it is proving to me that everything that I do or everything that comes out of my mouth isn't utter rubbish.

I don't know why I feel like this but it feels like it is destroying everythign. I have to work and yet I know I'm not doing my job well at the moment because of this fear. I don't want to be irrational and nasty to be DP and I know that I do that too when I get stressed. If I'm not in a sad phase I'm in an angry phase. Sadly I take it out on my DP.

Thank you Verity!

At the time that the incident happened I sent a very long (and quite rambling email to my line manager). He felt he needed to pass it on to someone more senior as when he called me up to talk about it the only words I could get out were 'she has been absolutely vile to me' before trying not to blub! He is a great manager but not too good with the emotional stuff! The more senior person spoke to me about it and although it was dealt with and I believe words were had with the person, it was suggested that I probably needed a thicker skin - easier said that done as I have probably always had quite low self-esteem and take everything to heart! The problem wasn't really so much dealt with but pushed aside - it was arranged so we were no longer working with each other.

I don't think I can mention anything at work as my line manager is now actually going through some medical problems and because of the way it was dealt with I just don't feel I can mention to anyone. And don't get me wrong, the senior management person was supportive or trying to be but still..I don't know. Maybe it was just the damage had already been done.

All of my adult life something hasn't been 'right' with me. Probably since about 16 I have thought I was depressed but the label never really quite fitted. I had a few attempts of anti-d's but they didn't really work. I also had councelling whilst at University but one day things just felt OK and I didn't have anything to say at the sessions so me and the councillor decided to stop. The depression label hasn't ever really felt right. I don't know what does though. I know I'm anxious! I went though a period of having panic attacks but this seems to have stopped now.

It is like I will go through periods of feeling so, so anxious and nervous and worthless. But then there will be times when I'm OK. It's like something clicks and it is all OK again and I can cope. I wiill do well at work, I can even speak to people I don't know with ease! But then something happens and I end up feeling worthless again.

For more background I seriously worry about everything. Usually it is hurting other people. I worry so much about that. If I want to say something I think about it for ages and ages before saying it. Then I say it and I will get a look from someone as if I have just said something really shocking. It is like I always get it wrong! I will get that link and think 'oh dear - I have upset someone else' or 'uh-oh that clearly wasn't the sociably acceptable thing to say'. Sad thing is I know I'm not imagining it as DP has suggested that I might need to think before I speak sometimes. What he doesn't realise is that I over analyse everything I say and still it is the wrong thing.

DP does know that I struggle from these problems from time to time. After a real screaming argument on the night of my depo earlier this week we have only just started speaking again and haven't really spoken about the argument yet. We will do and when we do I'll raise it. He tries to be supportive.

Thank you for listening and sorry to type so much!

Thanks for replying Verity. I ended up falling asleep so sorry for the delay!

I don't feel I can contact HR. They aren't very helpful with most situations to be honest and I just don't feel able to. I'm tempted to go back to the doctors though but it always scares me slightly.

Funny you should mention Aspergers - it has occurred to me. Someone in my family was recently diagnosed with it. There are certainly a few personality characteristics that suggest Aspergers. I hate meeting new people and talking to them I struggle to maintain eye contact in certain (not all) situations. For example if I'm in a meeting with me and one other person, I start to get anxious and my eyes hurt to make eye contact. Also the fact that I don't seem able to say the right thing - what I say is always the unacceptable thing even though I think it is the right thing.

I don't think there is a trigger. I just seem to be constantly anxious until for some reason I feel better and I turn into quite a confident person for a while. Only then I eventually always go back to being confident. It's so frustrating. In a way it just sound so childish but I just don't know how to stop feeling like this.