I'm having a rubbish day / week

[LittleMarshmallow]

thats it really, feel really crap.

oh no, what's up?

life really, I am trying really hard to hold it all together but so far I have had to take ds to the doctors only to find out that they have lost all trace of him every being the care of a hospital then the gp questioned how you deal with food allergies . when i went to get his prescription food it was all wrong and when I called the doctors I got the receptionist who insisted on screaming at me down the phone.

Ds forgot yesterday his dad had died so I had to explain all over again to him what happened while standing in line at Sainsburys

I feel like crap, everyday is a struggle to get up, get dressed and get to work, all I want to do is cuddle up on the sofa and cry. I hate who I have become and this resentment is building up

how awful - you are going through such a tough time at the moment. Dr.s receptionists are jobs-worths, they are like rottweilers only with fewer teeth. Horrible woman (I assume it was a woman). Ignore her.
The food allergy thing must be v. stressful. I can barely get DD to eat anything, and I don't have any allergies to worry about on top of everything else.
Explaining about his dad over and over is so hard. And every time you do it, chips away at your energy and your happiness too. You have to be strong for him, but inside you are crying.

Please keep talking. I know things are bad right now, but I don't think it will always be this way.

night x

Thanks GetDown, I managed to change GP's last night so am hopeful that this time it shouldn't be a problem with the prescription. At least it is Friday so although I will still feel rubbish tomorrow at least I don't have to pretend to work that I am absolutely fine.

I am trying really hard to combat some demons, I admitted to the health visitor that I used to cut myself after a massive incident in my life but I had managed to stop before ds was born but now the thoughts have come back and I am spending all my energy fighting these thoughts

LM - I can understand the self-harming as I have been there myself, but it means something is not right, so are you on any medication?

Nope, I stopped taking it because it ran out, then when I was at the GP last week that because the HV thought I should have more put the GP just told me that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill that what I am thinking / feeling is normal and that was it.

She did ask at the end if I felt the need to waste more of her time by coming back which I clearly said no to. I managed to get to other GP practice where I live last night and have filled in forms to register there so I am hoping that it might help but my app with the new doc is Monday and I need to ds with me so I don't know if I will say anything in front of him as he repeats most things he hears.

Well, self-harming thoughts and tendencies is definitely NOT normal and certainly not "making a mountain out of a mole hill".
And the "did you feel the need to waste more of her time"... well, I am absolutely speechless. What an unfeeling miserable cow.

I'm glad you've got a new GP now. I really really think you need to say something on monday, I know it won't be ideal with DS there, but can't you take some favourite toys along and distract him in the corner for a while, and then say something? I don't think this can wait TBH. In fact, can you make a saturday appt and go tomorrow? My surgery have just started doing saturdays, so may be worth asking?

I need to go the app on Monday to finish the registration so I can't get one sooner. I might try the toy tactic but oh I don't know, I think my head is so screwed it can't be fixed.

Everytime (well 4 of them) I have told someone about my self harm it has gone wrong, the first time was a midwife when I was pregnant with ds at xh insistance who then tried to lock me in the doctors surgery making me too scared to attend another antenatal app alone. The second was my old GP who I trusted but he couldn't do anything as I was moving house and the third was the loon of a health visitor I have who they joked she would ds away, the last time was the GP who told me it went hand in hand with an eating disorder, who then proceeded to look up my notes and said oh yeah there is a letter here from your previous GP stating that you should be referred for treatment of that but I don't really think that is necessary as it is a normal reaction to what you have been through everyone does it .

As hard as it may seem (and you have had far too many knock backs - so I understand it will be hard) you need to persevere in getting help.

You're head is not so screwed up you can't be fixed. Come on, you know that.

You had a bad GP last time, but I think you were very unlucky. Hopefully this new one will be good.

How do you mean the midwife tried to lock you in? When I presented as "mental" at my GP surgery they packed me off to A&E - I think they were glad to get rid of me!!!

The midwife, refused to allow me to leave the gp surgery till I was seen, she didnt listen to what I had to say, and scared the living daylights out of me, so when the gp asked me what was going on, I never told the whole story and got out of there as fast I could.

The midwives never asked me again after that.

I am going to try on Monday I dont any expectations left, so can't really be let down this time.

Well, she was probably concerned for you and didn't want you to go home without seeing the GP. I expect they have protocols to follow etc. I don't think you should interpret it as aggressive... just wanting you to get help?

Maybe it might have been how I was feeling but it upset me at the time and stopped me for asking for help for a long time.

I have been good in that there has only ever been one instance of self harm since I had ds and he wasnt with me at the time, I know that I can't go back to that I need to stay calm but it is so hard that when everything goes wrong the person I need to take that anger out on is me.

That's a real shame it stopped you asking for help. What were you worried about, that they might question your ability as a mum? I can see from the other thread on here that there is massive fear about there about SS coming and sweeping DC away. But this fear is largely unfounded.

You are right that self-harm is like self-directed anger. Also an outlet of emotional pain through physical pain. I was deeply ashamed of my self-harming and never told anyone (I was 16 at the time) - although I think my parents suspected. Yet even though the pain was terrible, it gave me a release in some way, and for a short time I felt better.

You need to find another outlet for the emotional pain you are going through, other than hurting your body.

Yeah, I know. At the time I was deeply ashamed and the way the midwife made it like the world was crashing about her running around telling everyone scared me. Even now I am scared about being judged, or told off like I am some silly person wasting their time.

Well if you acknowledge that with them e.g. "look, I'm worried you'll think I'm wasting your time, but it's taken a lot of courage to come here today, and I need to say it. If you don't think you can help me please just say and I'll go elsewhere".

But, you have a right to be there. GPs are paid A LOT and are there to listen to you whatever your problem. I am shocked at the treatment you've received in the past but hopefully that won't happen again.

If you say how you're feeling and they do nothing, at least it is on record that you tried to get help. But I think they will do something, because you can't carry on feeling the way you do.

I know I hate how I feel, and exhausted from all the pretending that I am ok. Hopefully Monday will be better

I have the doctors at 5 tonight, and already I am panicking, I know I have to do this properly this time, but at the moment I can't find the words. I just wish I could be normal

Can you write it all down and take that with you? Even if you don't actually take it out of your bag, having it there will reassure you, and the actual process of writing it down will help cement things in your mind.

Hope it goes well. Post again tonight to let me know how it goes

xx

I was thinking about that, I managed to go get ds a bag of sweets at lunch to distract him while I do this. I have been so horrible to him this weekend, when all he needs is for me to be his mum not this horrible screaming shouty person.

I see if I can write down some bits incase I forget and see what happens. It cant be any worse than the last time right? well I can hope.

Don't forget to tell them how much courage it's taken you to get there.

Well it was interesting, the doc seemed really nice, although it was hard to talk as ds kept interrupting me. I did tell how I was feeling and have been told to self refer for counselling, and she is going to write a letter for someone, I don't know who.

The doc did reassure me that no one can take ds away as I was worried about that, she said he looks to be taken care of very well and he is absolutely fine. She was a bit confused as to why the health visitors have disappeared off the face of the planet especially when I do need some support. She did suggest that I try tracking them down but I honestly don't know if that is a good idea or not.

That was it no medication or anything. I feel a little better today but last night was pretty awful didn't get much sleep and then managed to hurt my arm. It feels like I am going round in circles but I am at work because well ds needs me to be and I don't think I could cope with him all day to myself right now.

Well done for going. That is really good that you have made that step. At least now you have acknowledged it to the GP and so it is on record, and if you need medication in the future it will be there that you asked for help. It is the start of building a relationship with your new GP. It?s good that the GP was understanding as well, hopefully it will have reassured you that they are not all like your previous one.
Did you want medication? I think it is really positive that you have gone away without it TBH. Sometimes they are so eager to shove pills at you but it isn?t necessarily what you need right now. It think this GP sounds very sensible, she listened to you and allowed you to say how you were feeling.
She was right to point you back to the health visitor. There are lots of services they can signpost you to, to help you out and give you more support. Is there a children?s centre near you? I think you should take the advice. Also if she can write a letter in support of counselling that's great, you may be able to get it free on the NHS that way which would be excellent.
I think it's great that you are feeling a little better today, especially considering you didn't have a great night. Just think, after a good night you will feel even better.
And well done for making it into work today. It will help you enjoy the time with DS even more when you see him later x

Thanks, I think I will try and call the health visitor on way to Uni this afternoon, that way I can say I tried, I am hoping that I will at least be able to understand my lecture today.

The reason I was shocked about no medication was because I was told that I should be on something at the very least to calm me down, but you are right it might not be correct at the moment.

I managed to call after finding the number, it appears she is on holiday this week.

I got home to find a letter from the focused intervention team, but i cant go when that appointment is as my boss wont allow me time off work for any more appointments and i need to move ds nursery.

I feel like I am falling into a brick hole, and that I am about to combust nothing seems right in my head and my heads hurts, I feel like I have failed in everything right now, especially ds