I think Im going mad.

[spookycharlotte121]

This probs sounds so stupid but my head just deosnt feel right. I feel..... well weird is the only way I suppose I can describe it.

I get rediculously anxious about stupid things and I dont feel like my head is working properly. I cant cope with life and everythings always a mess. I have been posting on here for years and most of my posts are to do with depression and not being able to cope. Im not normal.

I cant sleep properly and I cant even think. I just think theres something wrong with my head.

You need to go to the doctors, Spooky. The internet cannot cure you, only support you. promise me you'll make an appointment in the morning.

I have uni tomorrow and friday and I cant get out of going. Cant fail this degree again. Will go on monday but i dont know whaat to say. He probs thinks im attention seeking. Just think that the pressure of life has taken its toll....

I better go to bed.... i think being up so late is making the anxiety worse. I will call the dr tomorrow aand talk to him on the phone. I dontknow if i could saay it face to face.

Good idea about talking to him.

And depression is a defined medical illness, not sillness, or weakness, or any of the other shit that people used to think it was.

I know what it's like when you're sinking - the very fact that you're sinking makes it difficult to get help. So get help now before it becomes impossible.

Spooky - I think you know what's wrong with you - you are suffering from anxiety - which is another name for fear. That's what anxiety is - feeling wierd and afraid that there is something wrong with "our heads" - there isn't anything wrong with our heads. Anxiety (or fear) is a feeling nothing more and nothing less. OK the feeling can become overwhelming and extreme but that's what it is. GPs won't necessarily agree with this because they are medics and anxiety to them is a type of illness. However it doesn't much matter whether you call the feeling emotional distress of anxiety.

Some people swear by anti-depressants (because these treat anxiety and depression) and you can't really separate out the two really, but others prefer counselling. Sometimes a combination will work well.

Your GP probably sees about 40% of his/her patients with an anxiety/dep problem so it will be nothing new. SO please stop worrying you are going mad - you're not. Start with your GP who might prescribe for you and refer you to counselling. You are obviously at uni - surely there is a student counselling service you could access?

I think your right about the anxiety. It has been terrible the past few months and I blamed it on the AD's but actually I think its coming off of them that has caused it. Problem is I dont really want to go bk on them. They made me feel void of any emotion and I turned into a zombie.

Also agree with the counciling. I have been through an awful lot considering im only 22..... think it would help to have someone to talk me through it all. Think it would give me closure on my dads death too..... stupid really if you think about it. He has been gone 13 years. I've spent more of my life without him than I have with him but Im still not over it..... perhaps it was due to my age who knows. Chokes me up just thinking about him though. He would haave so loved being a grandad and would have protected me from my ex..... Miss him so much and keep dreaming about him. Its nice sometimes because I get to hug him in the dreams.... lasts nights was werid though. It was at our old house and there were millions of dogs in the bark garden all growling and snarling through the windows but he wasnt scared at all. He just carried on with what he was doing. Strange.... wonder what it all means. I hope he isnt too cross with me. He would be very disapointed about me having children so young and splitting with their dad. He wouldnt be happy about me messing my degree up either. I think about him a lot at the mo.
I think a councilor might help me work on my relationship with dd too. I do struggle at times still.... I love her with all my heart but sometimes i dont like her. I feel so horrible for sayaing that but her stubborness and lack of sleeping at night make me resent her. However she has been sleeping well this week and it has done her moods and our relationship the world of good. Tonight we snuggled up together in her bed and read peter rabbit and it was just perfect she really cuddled in and I felt like she liked me again.

SOrry im rambling on. I dont expect anyone to read this or think im sane. Have had a better day though today.

Thanks for the helpful comments above. Im seeing the Dr monday.

Sounds like you have had a lot to cope with SC, loosing your dad, splitting with a partnern and now being a mum AND studying for a degree.
It's no wonder things are taking there toll.
Try and be kind to yourself, it sounds like you are striving to be the best you can and that is a really good thing.
Go to GP and tell him exactly how you are feeling, be as honest as you can.
He should also be able to help you with some councelling.
Good luck for Monday, let us know how it goes.

spooky, I dont know if it is available to you, but at my uni you can refer yourself tp counselling

oh spooky - there is so much sitting around in your head from your past. The loss of your dad is playing a mega part in your present troubles and it doesn't sound like you have ever properly grieved - you are only 22 and you say it was 13 years ago - so you were just 9 years old.........and it certainly isn't stupid to still be thinking/grieving for him 13 years on - this can go on for a lifetime. There is no cure for this kind of loss but you really really need to find a good therapist who can help you unravel your feelings from the past. He/she won't as you say "talk you through it" - a good therapist will help you uncover the feelings of loss that you have buried and which are now troubling you - it's called being HUMAN By the way it isn't closure you need on your dad's death - this isn't how loss is dealt with and why would you want closure anyway. You need to uncover all the feelings and then learn to deal with them in a more manageable way so they don't overwhelm you. Your grief about your dad has been buried or closed down and needs to be unearthed and unravelled. It will be painful because loss is painful but you need to do it. I suspect the loss of your dad when you were a little girl is affecting the ambivalent feelings you have about your own child from time to time and again don't be too hard on yourself about this.

On top of all this you are a young mum struggling with a child and a degree - as topsi says you are being very hard on yourself.

Can you afford private counselling - if not get the GP to refer you or find a counsellor at uni) and remember that you are doing the best you can - there will be brighter times ahead.