I'm going to wreck everything

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

I'm feeling under immense pressure at the moment because of work. Next year I'm supposed to be moving to a job at basically the best university in the country (although the other place might disagree). Everyone is congratulating me about it but I am absolutely shitting it. I have got the job, but if anything the quality of my work has been declining recently. Had two pieces of bad news last week about things I have fucked up. How am I supposed to be on form next year? Every time someone congratulates me I feel worse and worse.

I have issues around eating that I've discussed on another thread, which was very helpful. I'm on the waiting list for some counselling atm. I am still not eating properly, and can't seem to get my head round it. I think it is affecting my concentration and brain chemistry, and may have been a contributing factor to my recent fuck-ups. But I can't eat if I'm stressed and fucking up makes me stressed and not eating makes me fuck up, so it's just a vicious circle. Friends and family think I'm a genius, but sometimes I can't even remember my computer password because my brain is so fucked. I feel like rejecting the job offer now, even though I know that would be a big mistake. I can't tell anyone, they all think I'm perfect.

I think I have said fuck a bit too much there, but never mind.

sound like no-one else has noticed you're struggling. That's good in one way ( they offered you a great job) but not so good in another way (no-one giving you any support).
Sound like it's up to you to take action and get some support yourself. You're already on the waiting list for some counselling..that's a good step... but maybe you need to do some more to help yuorself... and you know already what that means... try one or all of the following...

• start eating a bit better

• get some time for yourself
• get some excercise.. yoga swimming, mountain climbing....
• get some counselling or life coaching.. even if you have to pay for it while you're waiting for your referral to come up ( I was on the GP's waiting list for years, and nothing ever happened...thank goodness I organised my own counselling)
• make sure you are getting all the right vitamins and minerals... do some research about which supplements can help with your mood. ( I found st john's wort a lifesaver when I was having panic attacks)

• go easy on yourself - it's tough being a working parent... we all have tough time, and being forgetful is very common. I think it's called overload.

Try not to panic.. obviously everyone else has confidence in you, you just need to work on your self confidence.x

So you've landed this fantastic job. well whichever of the two it is neither university is known for just hiring willy nilly - they can hire whoever they want basically so you must have done something right.

You seem to feel that you haven't been hired for who you are and that you now have to try to work hard to provide them with the person you think they wanted to hire - if you follow me. That's an impossible demand and a lot of pressure.

I can't tell anyone they all think I'm perfect - really? You have no friends? My friends know how imperfect I am but love me anyway. If they think you are perfect at work there's no harm in disabusing them of the notion and telling them you are sh*tting yourself. They are not your new boss, they are your friends who love you.

How little do you eat? It takes quite a lot to f* up brain chemistry. It is more likely to be anxiety of which you seem to have quite a lot. I'm normally highly organised with the memory of an elephant but anxiety makes me forget my name sometimes.

How much longer do you have to wait for counselling? Can you chase it up? And would you consider a low dose of an anti-depressant that helps with anxiety?

To be honest I think you would be totally fine at your new job, you have 'being-tapped-on-the-shoulder-and-told-aha-you-are-a-fraud-we-caught-you syndrome, a lot of people get that.

But it sounds like there are underlying issues that need addressing.

Brahms, you are doing ok. Take a step back and breathe. You are just experiencing the fall-out from realising that life is not all sewn up for you. You are no different from the person who got that job. You have just recognised that you need to look at how you see yourself.

Would it help to talk about the pieces of bad news?

thanks for replies

wst - no I guess my friends don't think I'm perfect, but they don't realise I have a problem with this. A lot of my friends are also in a similar job to me, and much as they are friends I don't think me saying 'I'm freaking out that I have got a job at X university' is going to make them feel for me, as they would feel I should just feel grateful for it. It seems like a very nice thing to be so freaked about. Maybe I am underestimating them.

this is the thread about my eating. I don't blame you if you can't be bothered to read all of it, it's massive. I know there are issues, but I'm not sure how much physical damage I have done to myself, if any. Am still menstruating etc. I only said the brain chemistry thing bc someone on that thread mentioned it. I probably eat enough to have not screwed it up. I am trying to put on weight bc of medical advice (half a stone is desirable). But I think I actually am putting it on, I can feel myself softening up physically and that is scaring me too. I have noticed that I've developed a habit of pushing my fingers into my stomach to see how much fat is there.

lou I don't think it would help much, they are finicky academic things and also I don't want to out myself! Basically, I completed some work which I thought was fine, and is actually not fine at all. It feels like what I thought I did and what I actually did are two separate things, iyswim.

This job is starting off non-permanent, but may move to permanent if I am good. This is what is putting the pressure on tbh. I would feel like such an epic failure if I basically got kicked out for not being good enough. The job was given based on potential (it is relatively quite junior), and I feel that they have overestimated that potential for whatever reason.