Depressed Partner, don't know what to do, please help

[mrschigur]

I have been in a relationship with DP for many years. He periodically has periods of low mood and has told me he had about a year of being very low when a teenager, went to his GP who gave him to advice or treatment.

He has been unemployed for 2 years and his mood has fluctuated over that time, some periods of being really quite low. I managed to get him to GP 18 months ago. He was prescribed anti-depressants but would not take them as he is against medication..

Well it has all come to a head now. At the weekend (whilst very hungover after a rare night out with a friend) he was crying uncontrollably, saying he was useless and a burden, has no self-esteem and sometimes feels he would be better off dead. He sometimes feels like giving me the house and escaping, but also that I am the only thing that gives his life meaning (we have no DCs at present). He is also often irritable and unrealistic in his expectations of housework etc, though he does most of it.

My heart breaks for him as I love him so much. He is a wonderful ,supportive, loving person but he can't see the good in himself. His relationship with his family is OK but not great and he feels they don't love him (I don't agree, they just aren't demonstrative IMO). He has lost contact with a lot of friends. He is increaingly irritable and negative.

I don't know what to do. He says he isn't depressed, just that he needs to get a job and sleep better. I try not to use the word but obviously I feel that he is depressed. I asked him to go to the doctor again but he said no. When I leave for work I worry and the past two days I have come home to him still in bed. He says he isn't going to "do anything" (i.e. suicide)

Just for info, I have some physical health problems and he seems to feel very guilty about putting a strain on me, even though I want him to share how he feels.

I am so worried, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, what can I do for my DP?

I am at work so it might take me a while til I can reply to posts.

Oh gosh, poor you I really feel for you. It is understandable that you are so worried.

I am not generally an advocate of medication either, but there is a time and a place for ADs, and TBH it sounds like now is the time. He is so low. Staying in bed the whole day, talking negatively about everything, calling himself a burden, useless etc., sleeping badly they are all CLASSIC symptoms.

If he just took them for a little while they may just lift him enough to start getting a bit more motivated, then he might have the energy to start job hunting. He could get something just part time to start with? To ease him back in gently?

The other thing is CBT - if he didn't want to actually see anyone, there are some online courses which are free (not as good as "real" therapy but they are a no-risk starting point). Google "Mood Gym" and "Living Life to the Full".

The fact you clearly love and support him so much is wonderful, that will be a great source of strength for him I'm sure. If you can stick by him through this tough time, I'm sure he will come through it, but I know it is very hard for you at the moment.

Can you explain to him that if he had a bad back he would take painkillers so taking antidepressants is just similar?

Also - being unemployed is obv not helping. Can he look at retraining or studying something to give him a better chance and also to give a focus to his days?

all you can do is march him to the GP.

make the appointment for him and take him there. go in with him if he will allow you to do so.

as was said he has all classic smptoms of depression. needs treatment, therapy, something. if not meds then GP can prescribe exercise programme at local gym / self help books/online courses etc.

if he refuses this then there is nothing you can do - only he can do something for himself.

the belief that if only he had a job/slept more etc - is classic - but reality is even if he had those it would not cure him. a job can help give structure - but that can be achieved with courses/training/voluntary work too.

read some of the books - depression fallout anne sheffield;

sally brampton memoir shoot the damn dog

matthrew johnstone i had depression

speak to MIND and rethink for advice

he is putting a huge burden on you - his guilt, that you are the only thing giving his life meaning - it isnt healthy.

he needs other reasons to get up in the morning -for himself

Speaking from experience it is hard to be the partner of someone who is depressed. Have been one for 13 years now (and at the moment not well myself which is total fun and games).

I'm just going to write a few points that may help you:

There is a big difference between 'thinking you'd be better off dead' and committing suicide. Sounds like he's told you very honestly how he feels but that he's not planning to top himself. i find it extremely distressing whenever my DH says something like that but my attitude is that if he thinks it I rather know it too.

You need to talk about how you feel, with him and with someone you trust. I never told a soul of DH's patches, to protect him, but that is just too hard. There are a few friends now who know and it means i can say to a friend 'DH is havign a wobble and said x and x and I'm worried/upset etc'

Spending the day in bed is bad news and a definite sign that action is needed.

DH is now taking a very low dose of citalopram after 12 years of shouting never never never. All his worries (which had reasons I can't go into now) proved to be unfounded and he is functioning so much better.

Does your DP know what the root cause is of his depression? Does he need counselling? If he goes to his GP now that will be offered to him.

Hi everyone,

thanks so much for answers so far.

DP is so opposed to antidepressants, I really don't think he is likely to be willing to try them. He isn't really processing things logically. If I mention the GP he says "please, I don't want pills". So I can't really force it!

However I do agree that he has to do something. I will try to have a look at some of those books and websites. I think he might try a website.

He has done some retraining but has very fixed thinking. He feels the next thing he does has to be a success and wonderful or it will confirm that his life is a disaster. So I think he's scared to try anything in case it doesn't work out. He really needs to progress a bit in his mental health before developing a career, but he feels career would fix everything.

He says he has always been unhappy and felt unloved (even as a child) so I think psychotherapy would be great, if he will consider it.

Just wondering one thing. I tend to give him a fair amount of affection and compliments as I love him so much and it is just my nature. I don't usually have contact with him during the day but the past 2 days I have texted during the day to say I love him and am looking forward to seeing him. Don't want to make him feel under more pressure though, does this seem like a supportive thing or too much?

Sorry not have replied to everyone individually, just trying to squeeze this in at work. However the support and suggestions are so helpful. I do talk to friends and family a bit, but don't always feel I can say everything for his privacy. His family don't understand the concept of depression , loving though they are.

tell him GP can prescribe other things than pills ie talking therapies, exercise etc.

it is up to you. maybe "forcing" him is the only way.

but please dont consider having children with him unless he is prepared to do whatever it takes to get out of this. (well of course is up to you - but please do consider being in this situation and with dcs to look after too...)

it is ok to have dcs if you get depression - but only if you are prepared to do what it takes when it hits you, to get better.

and if you won't do anti depressants then you have to be willing to try other things instead... and sometimes, you might have to try the ADs...

i had dcs with a person prone to depression - and who refused to take ADs...(other stuff as well but i knew he had had depression and i didnt really think about what this might mean ...when there are other people ie dcs to think about too)

I just don't know to force him. Sorry if that sounds pathetic. But he is quite strongwilled at the best of times. Right now he is in bed and barely able to discuss whether or not he wants food. I feel overwhelmed because a few days ago he was just a bit down(it seemedAble to have a laugh etc. Now it is the worst I have ever seen him.

Hard not to take it personally when he finds it hard to register my presence

I know what you are saying about DCs cestlavie. I would need to see some progress. It is an extra worry because the reason I am hanging around mumsnet is that I have some fertility issues, waiting for advice from gynae, but no immedaite plans to TTC, especially with all this.

Can anyone tell me what it feels like to be depressed in this way? I have been anxious before but not depressed. Because DP doesn't seem engaged with the world it is hard to imagine what it is like to be him in some ways.

Also, I am thinking of writing him a letter. If anyone can survive the length of my postings I'd really appreciate any thoughts on if this is the right thing to do. I am finding all this really, really hard. Here is what I am thinking of saying.

I know you don't want things to be this way, you want to sleep at night and to do things in the day, to make the most of your talents. I feel like you can't get to the first step to get better and I know that is hard.

I have some ideas, please look at them:

a. Go to see GP. I will come if you want or go yourself. Tell them how you are feeling and see what suggestions they have. I think they will help you choose from:
Managing to do more in the day and using exercise.
Medication.
Talking things over with someone. I think that could really help.

b. Go to see a private therapist for a trial session.

c. Use a website or workbook for people who feel low. There is research to say these can help.

Let me know which idea you think is best to get things kick-started.

I love you and I am going to support you to get better.

i made suggestions verbally and in writing all modes for years - they either got shouted down or ignored. or he made promises but nothing was done...or eh took himself off to osteopathy, acupuncture, homeopathy ... but it did not help.

it will make you feel better so do it - but will it have any effect? dont know...will confirm that you care and he can can keep moaning to you/depend on you?

i did make him a GP apppointment, did make him go (he tried to pull out of it hlaf hour before saying "oh i feel better now let's not go") , i did sit there - but by then really it was far too late...he had to explode and it was many months of hell ...

later the husband of a friend told me: i hit rock bottom, my wife said - you go to GP and take anti depressants or you are out. i knew she was serious so i did... he is recovered and they still together.

you can try the softly softly approach - but how long will you give it to get a result?
a week? a month? a year?

you decide... it is fine to try the letter approach but you need to set a time limit on seeing a result.

and if no action then you need to up the ante, if you want some resolution.

I've alway taken a different approach - knowing that DH's depression and related issues had a deep and pretty serious cause I told him early on that I would still love him/stick with him even if he always stayed depressed. That somehow eventually gave him the strength to start sorting things out. He has never forgotten me saying that all those years ago.

BUT I have never treated him like the patient, never been his nurse and always fully expected him to be there for me and have never shied away from telling him after a bad patch how bl**dy hard I found it.

mrschigur ,my ex was made redundant 2 years ago and has been struggling to find a job. He now has very low self esteem and is constantly apologising for ,letting everyone down.I have told him many times that the redundancy was not his fault(his 3rd in 10 years) as he was a manager. The company was making cut backs and they got rid of the higher paid managers.

they get to a point where they are in denial about depression and dont want to go to the doc as it goes on medical history for future job applications.

mrschigur, I do not live with a depressive person, I AM one. I too resisted medication until my Doctor persuaded me to try it for a few months FOR THE SAKE OF MY FAMILY. She told me much later that it was the only leverage that she found to be successful, as the depressed person is aware that they are making life miserable for their nearest and dearest but cannot summon up the energy/strength/spirt/inner strength to change things for the better. To get up each morning, do some housework, make a meal requires the most enormous effort of will, is completly exhausting for body and soul. To try to present a reasonably cheerful and coping personna to the rest of the world takes so much effort - well, for me it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Virtually impossible, in that state, to undertake retraining or succeed at a job interview. Not much point in worrying about 'depression' showing up on your CV, if you are incapable of applying for jobs anyway.

Everyone here seems to be agreed that your DP is showing all the signs of classic depression. You want to help and IMHO the starting point has to be ADs. Exercise, therapy, reading books are all helpful for a mild depressive state but until your DP surfaces from the depths of his depression they will not help, will just be a further aggrevation, another failure on his part.

When my DM had depression many years ago she was given tranquillisers (sp?) which left her out of touch with reality. Today's ADs are very specific, they either replace, or hold on to Seratonin (the chemical that provides your joie de vivre). It is almost exactly like providing insulin for a diabetic i.e. simply topping up a substance that your body/brain needs to function well.
Lack of seratonin just occurs in some people it is not a sign that you are weak, useless, etc.

You know your DP best as to whether bullying, cajoling, appealling to his love for you, whatever, would work. I do believe though, that the only sensible way forward is to get him on to AD's asap. He will thank you for it when he begins to see light at the end of the long, dark tunnel.

Thank you everyone for your responses. They make a huge difference and have given me a lot to think about.

A special thank to Granny123 for sharing your experiences, it helps to see things from my DP's viewpoint as well. I wish that he was not so scared of medication, but maybe there will be some way he will consider it.

I know from all this that DP needs my loving support, hopefully together we will find a way through.

Alypaly hope things are OK with your ex, sounds hard, do we have to wait for the economy to pick up? Hopefully not!

Thank you everyone for your responses. They make a huge difference and have given me a lot to think about.

A special thank to Granny123 for sharing your experiences, it helps to see things from my DP's viewpoint as well. I wish that he was not so scared of medication, but maybe there will be some way he will consider it.

I know from all this that DP needs my loving support, hopefully together we will find a way through.

Alypaly hope things are OK with your ex, sounds hard, do we have to wait for the economy to pick up? Hopefully not!