I am feeling so confused and mixed up that any advice would be really helpful.
I had a baby 15 months agao - baby was unplanned, other children grown up (well next in line 16).I was halfway through a MA and looking forward to a new career, freedom etc and finally some money after giving up my job to retrain. After much angst we decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and felt happy this was the right decision though knew it would be hard. All went well, but knew within a week of having baby I was beginning with PND again i had expereinced it twice before. Talked to OH about my concerns but he got quite angry/upset and somehow seems to think it is withing my will to control it. The midwife done the Edinburgh scale questionnaire a few times and it came out high. I was consequently referred to counselling but had to wait almost a year. I had been on AD when I became pregnant but came off thenm no problem and don't really want to go back on them. They tended to make me a bit drowsy and spaced out but the way I have been I think I may have to reconsider.
I have been offered a job in a career I want but it is full time and I am having huge concerns about leaving my baby to return to work. He loves the nursery he goes to for 3 afternoons whilst I finish dissertation and also to let him interact with other children and I am happy with the staff. I just feel it is wrong to put him in 5 days a week, 10 hours a day. At the same time I am finding it so hard to adjust to having a little one dependent on me again. I could go anywhere I wanted, when I wanted, sleep when I wanted .... now I can't even go the loo on my own. I knew it would be like this but I am finding it so much harder than when I was youinger. I get depressed if it is me and baby in all day, but can't face groups. I know he need to start going to activities as he is getting older but feel so useless and it seems so much effort. I don't drive and it takes forever to get sorted to go out. I am crying more and more , I can't read to him at times as I am too choked and I don't want him to be surrounded by a mum who is like this. I have thought about adoption, running away and even suicide though I could never do any of theses things - it just seems impossible. I love him to bits and don't regret having him - when husband home to help it is fine and manageable.
My OH has to visit his sick mother who lives far away over a few weekends and I am absolutley dreading how I will cope with baby on my own day and night, it is hard enough in the day. How can I say this to him when he needs to be with his mum - it sounds selfish. He is a good husband and very caring, hands on with baby but he really doesn't get how I am feeling - he didn't all those years ago and still doesn't/. This is driving a wedge between us and I feel I have nowhere to turn. I am seeing a counsellor once a fortnight but have only met her twice - she suggested post traumatic shock therapy and watch, wait and wonder therapy for me and baby in addition to my one to one counselling. This all seems rather a lot and too exhausting and time consuming. I don't think I have any issues/resentment towards baby - just find it hard to meet his demands. I am suppoed to be working on my disseration which has already been extended twice as baby in nursery, but can't face it. I feel my life is out of control and I will never get it back on track. I have stopped caring about clothes, make up and do the bare minimum to keep going. As a family we are in a lot of debt and been advised to go bancrupt which we don't want to do, so I am dealing with all the admin this brings as husband no good with paperwork. We have no help from extended family as both my parents are dead and my husbands father is, my only sister is a carer for her partner and doesn't even know I am feeling like this - no-one does. I used to be a good mum to my other kids and got so much done in a day, I combined work, home and study and now I can't even manage one toddler. If anyone can help me see things more clearly it would be a great help.